How do you deal with offhand remarks that are offensive, supposed jokes? e.g. random racist or sexist comments that are meant to be taken half seriously and jokingly. Not aimed at me, but still affects me somehow, e.g. race.
In the moment, I’d just half agree with them, or half laugh with them… Just ‘let it slide’.
But at night when I”m trying to sleep, I think, “I should have said something or corrected them” or “That was BS and just plain wrong, they’re a bad person”, or “I can’t change who they are, so why bother, let them be” etc.
I would like to not be so affected by those kind of hurtful random comments, maintain ‘personal peace’.
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Very relatable.
Things like “That’s not a very nice thing to say, Tom” can work very effectively, but you need to have the social standing in whatever group this happens in for it to have the effect you want.
And quite often the problem is that you do not, in which case you don’t stand much of a chance. Especially when you kind of know that most people in the group actually have no issues with those types of jokes, using the rationale that “it’s only a joke!”.
Find different friends. If you can’t take stand dark jokes don’t be friends with people who make dark jokes it’s that simple
“Haha. Oh wait- that was racist. Watch it.”
My therapist says to say to these remarks
“I don’t appreciate that”
Otherwise a witty counter joke will shut them up 🔝
Pick your battles. You’re not a bad person for not confronting every a-hole in the world. You also don’t need to pretend to laugh or placate them in any way. You can express your feelings that way, and try to minimize your contact with them, if you can (say, if it’s someone at work).
A lot of people have cruel and juvenile “humor” and think being mean or offensive is funny. You’re never going to change those people, so do what you can to avoid them.
Context is everything here, and we don’t have nearly enough to give you appropriate advice.
For instance, I’m white, I can make racist jokes about other types of white people, around my friends, and it’s socially appropriate.
If I want to make a joke about how Irish people love potatoes, I can do that without issue in my friend groups with other Irish, they won’t be offended. Idk why it works that way, it just does.
Now say one of my Irish friends had family who were personally affected by a famine or Irish Car Bomb and I made a joke about one of those. Even though I’m Irish and that’s history it’d still be inappropriate *IF* that friend was sensitive about those topics.
You’re not always going to know what’s appropriate ahead of time. Part of what makes confident people attractive is that they’re willing to take that risk and just make the joke, knowing it is unlikely to offend.
You just have to get to know the group over time and gauge their humor and decide if they’re right for you.
Another example: I grew up around black people who regularly used the N word as just part of their typical everyday vernacular like it wasn’t a big deal. I’m very white. Through hanging with them I learned to say the N word regularly at an early age before I knew it had a dark history, and none of my black friends ever called me out on it or said it was offensive or anything of the sort. I was told “you’re the only white guy allowed to say that” at one point.
I eventually learned that it was inappropriate and offensive and stopped saying it. That simple.
So you see how this is ambiguous. Social skills to clarify this ambiguity are learned through practice. You won’t get black and white answers.
You can choose to be offended by whatever you’d like, whether or not that offense is rational is subjective, but if for some reason you’re offended by that group’s vernacular, but the rest of the group is okay with it, then you’ll either have to talk to them about why you’re offended and see if you can reach common ground, or you’ll just have to abandon that group.
OH HELL NO!! I call a mothafukka out on that shit. This is how I see it… Racism, sexism, ageism, (even they claim to not be that way in general, cause they’re joking) is not okay in any way, right? People don’t change because someone they hate told them they’re wrong. Same for politics, etc. You are in a unique position!! If you want the world to be different, then you have to be the change that you want to see. Actions (words) start with thoughts. Being complacent about biased behavior helps perpetuate them. Someone overhears someone say something racist, and all the people around not calling them out are just as bad. Either you’re grouped into that, or someone else is going to think it’s okay to follow suit. Words lead to actions. All that shit is ignorant and you’re better than that. You’re not a bigot, but we are always providing the public an example of what we think is acceptable.
How I deal with it depends on the scenario. There’s the real biases, the language people utilize to describe other groups, and the jokes. To get to the real biases, it takes time and long open conversations (education). Jokes REALLY depend on how much you know the people. If they’re doing it at work they are wrong. If they are doing it at their home and you don’t like it, you got to go if they don’t care about your opinion. When it’s language, you’ve probably made some progress, or actually know they aren’t seriously biased. You let them know that their words don’t match what they stand for. That “we are living in the year 2023 and we can be better than that. Don’t say anything at home that you can’t say in mixed company. So just break the habit.”
Hope this helps. I’m very willing to elaborate on anything.
I call it out and refuse to hang out with ppl like that unless I have to for work, etc.
If you keep hanging out with them you are enabling the behavior. Bigots should be ostracized,
If they are true, why get mad?
If they are not true, why get mad?