This might sound kind of unhinged, and I accept that. I have had wine, sorry.
Over the summer, I made a decision to stop dating, like, forever. I mostly stuck to that, but then this guy asks me on a date out of nowhere. I thought, “wow, that take guts and i respect that, and he’s cute” so I said yes. I didn’t know what to expect, but I really liked him. Which, naturally, filled me with a sense of dread.
I have never had a good romantic relationship. Like, really traumatic stuff, usually lasting at least a year, all getting super serious really quick. The last relationship I was in was with a guy who was 11 years my senior and lasted years. I have no idea how to date because I did the math and I’ve been single for a total of 18 months non-consecutively since I was 15. I also have some weird family trauma, but with all that said it’s just the weird effect on my brain and relationships that matters, not the details. I’ve also got the neurodivergent brain weirdness. (I do not usually have wine.) I promise every detail of this is relevant, and I’m much more normal than this is coming off irl.
I want to be able to ramble about this guy this much, but he’s just kind of normal, in the best way. He’s compassionate, funny, good with people, artistic, all the trope stuff, but genuinely. He’s also the first romantic interest I’ve felt safe with in a really long time, and I’ve seen enough between myself and his friends and family and complete strangers to actually believe it. We’ve been together in some form for a couple months (casual, then committed) and it’s just really nice.
So here’s the advice/situation bit: I don’t feel like I deserve him.
Couple points on that: 1.) I am a very anxious person. He is not. This causes me to feel like I’m being clingy but also that I’m pushing him away but I can’t talk to him about it because that’s weird. I’m gonna see a therapist about this; like, I have appointments soon.
2.) I feel so old. I’m a non-traditonal college student so that’s a pre-existing feeling. I did tell him up front. I genuinely feel like we’re peers, but also his oldest friend is 23 so yikes. He’s straight edge so that’s not a problem, but I still feel so guilty. 4.5 years isn’t 11 years, but like, still.
3.) Brain weirdness and its effects on relationships. I’m just so afraid of hurting him, or causing him brain weirdness of his own somehow, or ruining his life. I sometimes catch myself making mistakes that I think I’ve learned (example: I used the 4 letter L word waaaayy too fast and inaccurately, which, yikes; it was not said back thankfully); its not intentional but it’s still bad. I have OCD (really!) and the big sticking point for me is that I have to get him away from me before I can hurt him. I’m not going to do it on purpose, but I’m so afraid it might happen, and the logical brain part says little emotional hurt for him now is way better than big emotional hurt for him later. But the emotional feelingsy part really likes him. I’ve heard the whole ‘you wanna give someone the world just to do see what they do with it thing’, but I actually feel it. I’m so scared I’m gonna hurt his brain or his future or dim his light or something poetic like that that I feel like his future’s gotta be brighter without me in it.
4.) BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM :(. I’ve been thinking about this ‘break his heart to save him’ bit for like two weeks now. I don’t want to. My emergency interim therapist doesn’t want me to. My friends do, because apparently I’ve “turned into a crazy person” and I’m “no fun anymore :(“. *I’m seeing a therapist over this*, so they’re probably right. But I feel like continuing to date him is selfish, because crazy person :(.
So the point is I want to keep dating him, but I feel like that’s bad. If you see a disaster coming, aren’t you obligated to prevent it? But also like, what if I’m wrong? I like him. I think this is okay. But the fear of doing damage is so strong that it feels like I have to save him from it. Is it okay to keep dating him? Is it like throwing a match at a gas station, or is it like checking your phone at the pump? Is it probably gonna be bad, or is it probably gonna be fine?
TL;DR: Brain is weird. Guy is normal. I want to continue to date the guy, but I also feel like I have to break up with him to prevent him from getting hurt. Is it okay to keep dating him?
1 comment
Neurodivergence isn’t contagious lmao. Do you mask because it almost sounds like you’re scared he will reject the real you. You shouldn’t make a decision until you’ve spoken to a therapist but most of what you mentioned doesn’t seem problematic aside from being too clingy.