Throwaway for obvious reasons. I’ll get straight to the point.
My (33M) wife (34F) will quickly shut down and refuse to talk to me when an argument starts. She will refuse to re-address the situation/problem for days or even weeks at a time, leaving me to become resentful about the unsettled issue. We don’t argue often but when we do, nothing gets resolved due to her shutting down and more and more hurtful words get thrown both directions – from me due to frustration that we can’t work things out and just talk about whatever it is we need to talk about, and from her for her own reasons, likely due to me not leaving her alone when she wants to shut down.
Now, I understand that she sometimes needs space during/after an argument – fine. But not talking for days, and in some cases weeks at a time and leaving issues just hung up in the air like that? It starts to become hard for me to be in the house, to sleep, to work, because she just ignores the issue and barely talks to me. She basically acts like I don’t exist when she’s upset and stonewalling, and honestly its actually painful.
What’s worse is that at work (I know from talking with her) she isn’t conflict avoidant and she is not afraid to hash it out with colleagues on the spot. Maybe it’s different with me due to the emotional side but I digress.
In any case there are other issues in the marriage that we need to work on (dead bedroom, share of chores at home, etc.) but if we can’t communicate and work through those issues then it’s not going to work. In addition we have a special needs child that has definitely taken its toll on our fragile marriage through the past few years.
In any case, my primary concern is her stonewalling/silent treatment. I don’t think it’s normal going even days without talking things out, and I want to see what r/marriage thinks on this topic. We happen to be one week into the stonewalling right now and I am on the verge of sitting her down and telling her: “If you do not start communicating with me then I will consider that to be your vote that you do not want to work on this marriage and that you have made a decision to leave.”
Obviously our story is a bit too long for this one post so if anyone needs details on something, please do ask.
Thanks.
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4 comments
Honestly marriage counseling with a person that stonewalls. They cannot get away with it with one and hopefully y’all can figure out what is going on.
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She can’t handle conflict in your relationship. She is emotional and you’re logic. She doesn’t have an answer that will satisfy you, so she avoids the work. Dead bedroom she probably doesn’t desire sex right now. She may have issues with her body, find herself unattractive. We men don’t care because it’s instinct for us, for them it has to be perfect conditions. Try writing to her through letters, since she can’t handle you face to face. Also try counseling, pastor or professional to get to the root cause…
I am so sorry for the difficult situation. Communication IS the key to a strong marriage, and the lack of it can be so frustrating, as you’ve been feeling. Perhaps the sit down you describe is warranted, but please consider something before calling it quits – couples counseling. It can help you both learn to accept and work on communication styles. Kind of like you agree to give her space of a set time without hounding her about it, and she agrees she has to not leave you hanging. There’s a set date/time to have the discussion, calmly, taking turns and listening to each other’s side carefully. This is just some of what a therapist would ask you both to agree and work on. I hope you find a way to make it work. Prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance.