TL;DR My boyfriend is having trouble communicating with me and may have some unrealistic expectations.
My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been arguing a lot since he stopped going to therapy. We have been dating for 6 years and living together for 4.
One such argument is over my lack of a career. I did have a career but I moved with him for his career. I have been trying to break into UX/UI design after moving to a new city but with the tech layoffs I didn’t have much luck and settled with working at a grocery store for the time being. I haven’t applied to any UX jobs for a month and a half and this frustrates and worries him (keep in mind that we aren’t having any particular money issues). He says that we have enough money but the one resource we can’t get back is our time. How do I show him that I’m not ready to explore careers until I settle into this job?
On top of this, his therapist told him to express his need for sex and intimacy which I respect and understand. What I don’t understand is how he wants me to initiate this while feeling under pressure and my body is hurting a bit from my new job. He will say things like, “It’s really important that we have sex this week.” or “I’m starting to feel disgusted with myself because we haven’t had sex”. This gives me the totally wrong feeling in my gut. I’m not sure how to approach this and we haven’t had sex in over a month. I also have absolutely no desire to. How do I work on this without making him feel ashamed?
4 comments
I feel like the way he is expressing himself around sex is really messed up. You’re obligated to have sex with him, in his mind, because he feels disgusted with himself when he goes a while without sex? That particular emotion is his problem to deal with, not yours. It’s fine for him to want sex and ask for it, but fixing his disordered relationship with his own body is not your job.
I would tell him that the pressure he’s putting on you makes you not want to have sex, and ask him to stop pressuring you.
“I’m starting to feel disgusted with myself because we haven’t had sex” –sounds manipulative and like he’s guilt tripping you. His self worth and image shouldn’t be rooted in whether or not you sleep with him.
You’re 29, **gave up your career and moved for him to better his career**, have been together for 6 years, lived with him for 4… is there a ring coming? **What is he doing for you** in this relationship aside from dictating your career choices which he has little right to do as a BF and guilt tripping you?
You’re not his wife, what is he providing that he gets to guilt trip you/expect sex and make you feel bad about your career? You get to play house and give your time, exclusivity, your body, emotional support, career support, and he gives you…? A hard time? I hope he is at least taking care of you financially in this case smh.
Reading through reddit is depressing. When did women start settling for so little.
Wait, I swear we’re living a similar life what the heck? Lol I guess many of us are going through this type of situation. I wish I had more advice, but I’m in the same situation as you. You’re not alone. As for me, I’ve decided that once I establish my career, I’m going to leave my boyfriend because there’s no way I’m marrying someone so self-centered. Maybe plan to do the same in your situation would be the best option for you too. Best of luck to you. We’ve got this.
You could remind him that you would love to have sex with him next time you’re turned on and in the mood.
But you’re not available for sex just because of some timeline he made up or because he’s feeling shame. Those are his issues, and nobody owes him sex for having them.