My husband was a porn addict and I think that really skewed how he thinks women are able to finish. We’re also each others only sexual partners, so that probably doesn’t help in terms of experience.
Yesterday he attempted to give me oral and gave up after a few minutes because I was taking too long. I didn’t really feel anything from it, besides wetness. Then he tried to finger me, which made me really uncomfortable, similar to getting a pap.
Since I have no other sexual experience, I don’t know what feels good. I don’t know what fingering or oral should feel like. I feel nothing when I finger myself. I do love having PIV sex with him, but it’s never made me orgasm (and I am 100% okay with that). He also lasts usually an hour in PIV without going soft.
I’m questioning whether I should just fake orgasm so he’ll get excited about having sex with me and actually initiate sex. If I try to initiate sex (which used to be everyday), he will just tell me “what’s the point, you don’t finish anyways.”
It’s discouraging, because I love us having sex even if I don’t finish. I don’t crave needing to finish, I also don’t masturbate. I have a sex drive, but only for him.
48 comments
You should not absolutely not fake orgasms.
Do you masturbate?
Lacking sex isn’t a good thing in marriage. It’s common to fake orgasm. He is very good that he is trying to impress you. Maybe you guys can use more communication. Maybe explore each other together
Oral and being fingered feels great. More than wetness. It’s a great turn on. It should make you want more, both his attention and sex with him
I don’t suggest faking orgasms. It is misleading to your partner and inevitably hurts both of you.
As for your partner. He wants to please you and having sex is pleasing to you. He needs to not worry so much about the finish. As you said you enjoy the piv sex, that should be enough to continue.
Finally, I suggest you discuss bringing toys into your sexual experience together. Things he could use on you to help you try to orgasm. Discuss if that would be something to try that you both might enjoy.
Good luck!
Don’t fake it. Perhaps try to masterbate and explore yourself. Hell, buy a sex toy (vibrator) and ses what you like vs what you don’t. Your husband also needs to get off the porn. Perhaps see a sex therapist for the both of you.
Do NOT fake it. You need to figure out your own body and then teach him how to get you off. If you don’t have a vibrator, start there. I’m so annoyed for you that he stopped trying after a few minutes.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has a LOT of learning to do, and otherwise generally sounds like a moron. I think his preoccupation with porn, as you mentioned, has been extremely detrimental to his approach to sex and intimacy.
1. experiment by yourself and try and figure out what feels good to you personally. you csnt help him if ypu dont know your own body.
2. tell him that porn is NOT reference material. AT ALL. literally he should forget basically everything he has ever seen in porn.
3. a percentage of women never experience orgasm, but there is more to sex and intimacy than just the orgasm. also. i very high percent of women cannot achieve orgasn with just PIV, and there is often a sometimes very specific chain of events that will allow them to orgasm at all. including them being in the right head space about it. if youre feeling pressured to get off, its highly unlikely that you will, regardless.
If he is able (considering his addiction) your husband should watch some Kenneth Play videos – some are available on the Hub (perhaps you do the search and play the specific videos for him). Also, Nina Hartley “How to East P*ssy”. There are are iinstructional videos for both of you. A lot of women take considerable time to get off and need to feel 100% safe, cared for, and desired.
This is a time to learn about yourself and for the both of you to learn how to please each other.
I’d just be honest and tell him what you said on this page. Lying is bad and would hurt both of you. Telling him you love sex for said reasons is the way to go. Maybe incorporate some dirty talk to show him you’re into it?
I’m strongly against faking an orgasm. Generally speaking, sex should be fun for both parties and it sounds like you two could use some experimenting to find out what floats your boat. One thing I’d recommend is a multi-speed vibrator he could use on your clit during PIV. That might help but I start with low speed, see how that feels, maybe vary it. I’d also encourage you to masturbate, to learn how you like to be stimulated, and then teach him. He, frankly, also needs some patience–him giving up after “a few minutes” of oral is his failure, not yours.
Sounds like the two of you would benefit from some therapy, btw. I think communication is key here.
Last but not least, I’d actually encourage you to check out some porn as well–you might find something that interests you. Plenty of amateur stuff here on Reddit that can introduce you to new things.
Have you ever tried a vibrator? A lot of women don’t cum with PIV only and need clitoral stimulation. I’m not a fan of fingering or oral on me either. I prefer PIV or a vibrator. But, you definitely need to explore your body, and learn what you like. And he can help you with that too!
Have you tried using a toy or rubbing your clitoris while having PIV sex?
Porn is not sex ed. It’s entertainment. The women there are not showing an authentic or realistic experience.
If he doesn’t turn you on with foreplay or petting beforehand, it’s not gonna feel good. It’s gonna feel clinical and weird.
Foreplay is: making out, rubbing each other’s bodies, taking it slow yet sensual. I also have a reactionary libido. If my bf jumps straight into oral or fingering with me, it does nothing for me. I feel awkward. If he makes me horny first via rubbing and dry humping, it’s great. I feel pleasure.
Due to the fact I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 14, it’s hard for me to orgasm like the way other women do. Also due to my addiction to syntribation aka I don’t masturbate normally either lol.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had an orgasm. Start by masturbating and learn how you orgasm. I can understand he feels defeated so you have to work up his ego somehow. You can get past this but you have to know your own body!
Honestly I don’t like fingering or oral. I like lots of kissing and choking and spanking and like moans and stuff all before he puts it in. I honestly don’t care about orgasms but have you tried getting an orgasm while riding him?
Even though I think he is being a bit immature, i would also feel a bit insecure if my partner couldn’t cum so it’s coming from a place of insecurity and if you could find an orgasm or close to it from riding that’s what I would suggest sometimes.
It took me till 35 🙈 to have amaxing orgasms with my now partner, i used to fake it with my X more for his ego i think as he couldn’t give me an orgasm after 14 years 🙄
You promb need to exsplore your self more in mastbation get u know your own likes & dislikes , buy a few sex toys 😉
And talk as a couple & experiment togeather.
Porn def gives a false expectation on sex & orgasms.
Good luck & have fun! 🤗
Never fake. Both of you need to sit down and talk about sex, get a book or something like “Come as you are” because you both need some education.
Draw yourself a nice bath or shower with nice lighting, music, maybe some calming incense, and start exploring your own body by yourself. Caress your nipples, your stomach, inner thighs. Explore yourself and see what’s areas feel good to touch. Try to find your clitoris, touch it lightly, then more firmly, see if any of these areas feel different sensations from others. If you something that feels good, keep going! Use your saliva or lubricant. Once you learn yourself you can teach your husband. Please don’t fake it!
It takes women up to 22 minutes of foreplay to be able to orgasm. A few minutes is not sufficient for almost women. Give your husband a copy of the book “come as you are”. Sounds like he has plenty of free time to learn since he’s not spending it going down on you
Porn addiction changes how men think women should behave during sex. You should talk to him about the reality of sex. Explain that what he is seeing is false. Tell him what feels good and reassure him that he is doing it right. I experienced some of the same feelings that your husband is when I was first married 25 years ago because of my own struggles with Porn but we were able to work through it. Good luck.
Get a vibrator and learn to orgasm alone first.
How the fuck do you people marry these people you clearly don’t talk to or know. Are all these for attention or does no one know how to communicate?
It’s not that you don’t know how to orgasm. It’s that he doesn’t know how to make you orgasm. It’s not your fault he doesn’t have the skill…
Here is my response to a similar post a few months ago:
I know your situation. My (54) wife (53) and I have been married over 30 years. She has never had an orgasm. And God knows we have tried. The thing is, she can’t orgasm from masturbating so how can I unlock the mystery if she can’t figure it out herself?
Bottom line is this. We have realized that trying to get her to orgasm puts pressure on her and gets her farther away from any potential orgasm. She enjoys sex. Is often horny and is satisfied when we do it. She loves to make me cum and that is her goal. We have a rich and wonderful sex life. I’m able to do things that give her great pleasure. We have just taken the “Big O” off the table and she enjoys what she can without the pressure of needing to cum.
I’ve offered therapy, sex toys, I’ve bought her books that I’ve read and she didn’t. At the end of the day she isn’t all that interested or motivated, so I followed her cue and backed off. Occasionally she seems frustrated and I try extra hard to get something to happen but she quickly gets over stimulated and makes me stop.
So, yeah, I know what you are going through, but sex is more than achieving an orgasm. We love each other and have sex multiple times a week. It’s good. We are connected and feel close and I satisfy her to the extent she can be. And that’s good enough.
Try getting on top, the closest I’ve come to orgasming during PIV is when I’m on top.
Can we stop normalizing LYING to our MARRIED PARTNERS?
That lil line about “should I just lie about my orgasm” is fucked and if I heard my gf casually think about lying to me I would be heated.
Learn how to please yourself on your own time. You’re lucky you have a man who badly wants to make you feel good. He might not be good at it but you literally don’t even know your own body. wtf?
So I see masturbation as important self care and knowing your body and what brings in both pleasure and pain are equally important. Particularly in sharing with your partner. How can the partner know what to do if you can’t show them what you like? Every body is different. I think it does a disservice to the relationship to not express to your partner how you feel pleasure with them.
Obviously there are trauma related or religious related reasons people have for not masturbating. I’m talking about outside of those groups self love I think is just part of life and learning oneself.
But that’s just my two cents and what your post made me think of.
>gave up after a few minutes because it was taking too long.
Wow 😮
I’m speechless.
Just curious. How long does it take him to come from oral?
Honestly you need to start with yourself. Get a toy to start (something easy like a rose clit stimulator, you hold it and move it around). From there figure out exploring your own body. From there introduce a toy in the bedroom (maybe get him to finger you, start slow with one finger while you use a vibrator). Don’t fake an orgasm, you both need to learn your body because if you don’t know your own he can’t help you. He also needs to realize not everyone orgasms during sex that’s normal.
Your husband sounds like a gem, blaming his inability to satisfy you on you.
IMHO that’s bull shit.
So firstly, just having him as ur partner is no excuse to not knowing what u like
U should explore urself without ur husband to learn what u like, because if u don’t know, it’s going to be hard for him to know too.
Do not fake orgasm
Just explore more. Buy sex toys and stuff
he’s mad at you because he’s bad at sex? WTF?
You need to make yourself orgasm before you can instruct anyone else on what you like. You don’t necessarily need penetration to masturbate but you really should get that part sorted.
The fact that he doesn’t even care enough to try or to ask you what feels good but would rather BLAME you for his inadequacies speaks volumes. This guy is a jerk.
don’t fake it.
Read the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. Then read the book “Better Sex Through Mindfulness.”
You could buy your partner a copy of the book “She Comes First” as well
You definitely need to masturbate … if you can’t figure out what makes you “tick, so to speak, how can you expect your husband figure things out. We need clues, as everyone different!
Good luck!
Your husband sounds like a child. Maybe you need to bring him back to reality by telling him that if he can’t make you orgasm, maybe you should find a person that can.
Oral and fingering has never and will never make me finish. I have to use toys
There are lots of great documentaries about sex and pleasure online, Netflix has a few. Watch them together.
Sounds awful
It sounds like you guys are understandably frustrated, most likely due to lack of sexual education and you’re realizing that sex is not necessarily going to be like how it is in porn.
I’m getting the vibe that you were raised in a sheltered environment, possibly religious, like I was –and I may be projecting here but I have a feeling you’re not masturbating properly. I used to think masturbating was fingering myself and I of course got nothing out of it. Masturbating as a cisgender woman means rubbing your clitoris. Take some time to yourself to learn how you like your clit to be touched. Look up a photo if you’re not sure whre it is, and If you’re not able to make yourself come, then thats okay, lots of women struggle with that 🙂
Do you live in a country where you can buy a toy? I would try one out (by yourself for the first while) and when you’re ready, see if your husband would be open to incorporating it into the bedroom
75% of women can’t orgasm from PIV sex
Also, this is why I firmly believe in sex before marriage. Because if you get married having never had sex with the person, and end up being totally incompatible, you end up with 2 miserable people, trapped in an unfulfilling relationship that they feel that can’t leave because how are you going to tell everyone you’ve left your husband coz the sex is shit? 😏
You should learn how to masturbate — think of it as an exercise in how to give your body pleasure. Don’t focus on an orgasm, just find out what feels good/sexy to your body. And get a good vibrator.
I’ve heard fabulous things about OMGyes.com, a site that focuses on female pleasure and orgasm. It sounds like it could help you a lot.
Some women have a really hard time reaching orgasm, tell him you need to experiment and see what works for you. Look up different techniques and see what feels good for you. Every woman’s body is different and porn isn’t a realistic idea of what to expect from sex, your husband doesn’t seem to understand what actual sex is supposed to be like either. My ex was like this, absolutely no patience (which you absolutely need when it comes to making a woman cum) so I was responsible for my own orgasms for 6 years, but I have experimented with my own body in my teens so I knew how to get myself there.
I’d highly recommend you try to get yourself there and then show him how to do it
Real sex is nothing like what porn stars do; who would want to watch porn if there was no “money shot(s) occurring every few minutes? Your lover is selfish, only wanting his pleasure. As others have mentioned, acquire what ever devices you need to “train” or experience your own pleasures. Do it now! 👍😬
It’s not just that he’s not doing his part, and they are incompatible as is, and they both would benefit from working together. She would 100% benefit from self exploration to find what she likes, but no, I wouldn’t say she’s lazy, for not doing it, that’s mental.
But he’s basically saying he sees no point in having sex with her because she doesn’t cum the way he’s used to seeing women in porn acting. He went down on her for a couple mins and stopped coz it was taking too long! How does he expect her to cum if he stops after a couple mins?
They both have work to do if they want it to work, as there is faults (or issues, whatever word you want to use) on both sides. He needs to reign in his expectations if he really does think that all women behave like porn stars.
And no, nobody is entitled to sex from anyone, I didn’t even suggest anything of the sort, but the title of the post is about him refusing to have sex with her because she can’t cum. If he wants her to cum, he can’t be stopping after 2 mins because it’s taking too long. There needs to be effort on both sides here. He would benefit from her giving him direction, and to do that she needs to know what she’s likes.
If this was a guy saying his girlfriend refused to have sex because she can’t make him cum, I’d be saying the very same thing. It’s not his fault she can’t make him cum. Just like I said in my first comment it’s not this ladies fault here. They both need to put the work in, because refusing to have sex isn’t going to make one single thing better.
The point is not to stop until you do, right? That’s what my first lover did.
Haha your husband is dumd , that’s not how it works
This is why I believe in sex before marriage