*I’m using a Throwaway account for privacy reasons, please don’t post this anywhere else, thank you*
In recent months I’ve seen so many posts on this and other subs about arranged marriages that worked that I (29F) started to wonder what I did wrong with mine (because we had an arranged marriage) It’s not that it didn’t work out and we don’t get along, he (36M) just doesn’t love me and I do.
From the moment we met and decided we were going to get married we became very good friends, and we also liked each other and had good chemistry, and that somehow gave me hope and I thought that one day we would be another of those couples with an arranged marriage who love each other madly and spend the rest of their lives together, but it wasn’t like that because the only one who fell in love was me. And it’s not like he doesn’t know because he knows, I’ve told him many times and never gotten an answer and I can no longer pretend that it doesn’t hurt me.
Last month we went on a trip while my mom stayed with the children (5F, 2M, 4 moths old F) and the truth is that I didn’t enjoy those days at all because most of them I was thinking about what I’m doing wrong. It’s not that he is cold or something like that, because he is a person who likes to hug me or kiss me at any time, he tells me countless times that I’m pretty or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, etc. He basically always shows me affection but it’s not enough for me anymore.
On one of those days we went to a very nice restaurant for dinner and I thanked him and told him that I love him (again) and he just hugged me and said something like I deserved even more, and that phrase was really sweet but I wanted to hear something else, and his lack of response made me feel different for the first time, it made me feel humiliated, I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that since then I’ve been distant and he noticed it.
Two days ago we were having sex and I always tell him that I love him during that moment, it’s something I’ve done for years but the last few times I didn’t tell him anything and he noticed. He asked me why I was acting strange, if he did something wrong and I didn’t say anything, I just told him that I wasn’t feeling very well, and he believed me but this morning he asked me the same thing again. And this time he didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t feeling well, he just told me he knows something is wrong but he doesn’t know what. And the truth is that I’m embarrassed to tell him how I really feel. It makes me feel very humiliated to have to tell him that it hurts me that he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to have to beg for a little love so I don’t know what to tell him because I don’t want to humiliate myself anymore.
I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help but wonder why can’t he love me? We are best friends, we have a beautiful family, he’s an amazing dad and loves our kids, our sex life is amazing, and we are very compatible as a couple in so many ways so I don’t understand what’s wrong. How can I confront him? Can a relationship like this survive if love is one-sided?
tl;dr “husband (36M) never told me (29F) that he loves me in ten years of marriage and I can no longer hide that it hurts me”
35 comments
Ask him. Why have you never said “I love you” since we got married?
This would have been me if I had stayed with my ex. I had an abortion, tried to work on the relationship, and left. 3 years and it definitely affected other relationships and areas of life. But it was all his a$$.
Just tell him and have the conversation. Might be a cultural thing, might be a family thing, some people just don’t say I love you. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t, he notices changes in you, he tells you that you deserve more than he’s treated you to. He might think he’s showing you he loves you, you want to hear the words. Have the conversation and get your situation sorted out, cause there is no point in suffering through this if you can try and discuss it with your best friend.
Then don’t hide it. You need to tell him that you feel humiliated and upset that he’s never bothered to say the simple words ‘I love you’. I can’t even begin to fathom his reasons, but you need to talk yo him.
It sounds like he does love you, the questio is if he is in love with you. And I think that’s the confusing thing. Loving someone is easy. It is often so easy to love someone as a friend, as a partner in crime, as family. Actually being in love is a different thing.
I think you just tell him, you’re in love with him. You gave him children, I’m sure you guys have struggled together and maybe starved together. You had uncertain times and difficult days, but you never minded because you were in love with him. You need for him to say that he is in love with you too. It doesn’t matter why you feel that way, you just do.
Not to defend your husband, because you are 100% in the right here. But do you know if the issue is that he doesn’t love you, or he is just uncomfortable saying “I love you?” That may sound like a stupid distinction. But I have a family member who is like a father to me. He supports me in every way, is kind and loving and shown how much he loves me time and time again for all of my 42 years. I regularly say “I love you” to him and I don’t think he’s ever said it back. I know for a fact that he loves me, and that he just can’t express it. He is my uncle and from a very repressed family, so I can live with it. But it would be a different story if it were my husband. Just saying, maybe the issue is not one of feelings, but of expressing them. If it is, that may or may not make a difference to you, but to me, that would sound more fixable.
Why on earth are you not telling him!?
A conversation can clear up everything. If you can’t talk to him after 10 years of marriage, then it won’t ever get resolved.
Well, you mentioned several ways in which he regularly SHOWS you that he loves you, so this is hardly a question of what does he love you, but why doesn’t he SAY he loves you.
You’re not begging for love, your begging for communication.
I’d just say “I know that you love me, but I’d really love to hear you say it sometimes. Is there a reason why you don’t?”
And just see what he says.
Because your marriage was arranged, not one out of passion or choice. This seems extremely obvious.
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I have always believed action speaks louder than words but that doesn’t mean he can’t say it for you but it may also be just different for him. Read about the five love languages.
I always feel that, if you can love someone so much, you’re just hoping they do so also so you’re expecting an affirmation of love back but I think if you can let that affirmation go, it could be more powerful. Let him show it to you in his own way, if he wants to tell you or show you, he will. It’s also not bad to just ask him.
It’s not one-sided love. Based on how you described your marriage you are a wonderful couple, both loving each other and showing it in many ways. What you are lacking is communication. You have a hard time expressing yourself to him, perhaps he has the same problem. So perhaps this is a good lesson to you as well. Don’t ignore something that bothers you for 10 years until you’re about to burst. When you feel like there’s an issue, just bring it up to your husband.
Not sure what you expected out of an arranged marriage..
He knows. Him not telling you about his love for you is a control move… It is also maybe he really didn’t want to marry you… maybe it is his form of protest, who knows. If you met to be married that he didn’t need to win you over, so him not telling you have no consequences. Stop telling him you love him until he talks to you. You guys really don’t really communicate much
How can you expect sth from him when you don’t communicate?
The way you describe it, he does love you but has a hard time sharing his feelings. You should be honest. Even if he tells you something you don’t want to hear, it’s better to have it out in the open. But I suspect he loves you.
I’m sorry but how and why on earth did you get married AND HAVE MULTIPLE kids with a man who has never uttered the words I love you to you? How does that happen and if you need that VERBAL confirmation of love why did you put up with not getting it for a DECADE? And you end it off by telling us he shows you he loves you, the sex is amazing and you’re compatible as partners. At no point do you actually mention him being a great father by the way which was interesting. I’m sorry but this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. If he is so amazing why can’t you tell him after ten years that it hurts when he doesn’t say I love you back? Like I said. I don’t buy it.
I think you have the wrong impression of him. You are hanged up that he does not say “I love you” but is completely ignoring his actions. Is he dependable, consistent and involved otherwise? Maybe he is uncomfortable in saying it because it is not his love language and he comes from a family that does not express love verbally and have never or regular heard it from his own family growing up? You are also being unfair and faulting him on something you yourself are guilty of… communication.
He tells you that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him? Girl, I’d take that than any old I love you’s any day.
I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about emotions. I cannot recall my parents telling me they love me but I have never questioned the fact that they do. They are supportive and caring. They show up for everything and are always there to listen or help out. They just aren’t emotive people. I’m the same way with my husband. I absolutely love him but saying the words feels weird. Thankfully he understands and is similar. I feel like we have a very secure attachment to each other and don’t feel the need to put feelings into words. If hearing the actual words “I love you.” is really important to you have a conversation with your husband so he knows how you like to receive love. Chances are he loves you but just isn’t used to putting emotions into words.
You’ll need to talk to him about it. There’s a number of different things that could be going on, the only way to find out is to talk.
Do you know about love languages? Maybe yours are words of affirmation while his are physical touch or acts of service or whatever. If your love languages are misaligned, it might seem like your partner isn’t communicating their love to you, when in reality they are but just on a different frequency, metaphorically. You can discuss this to align them, if this is the case.
It’s also possible that he’s happy in the relationship and committed to it (from what you’ve described that seems to be the case), but doesn’t have romantic love for you. It’s possible, because you can’t really arrange love. That seems like an inherent risk in an arranged relationship like yours.
I mean, he’s your husband. A quick convo would prob clear this up. It’s concerning about your relationship that you don’t feel comfortably enough to even broach the subject…
I’d assume that after 10 years being married you should be able to talk about issues like that
You allowed it for ten years why change now !
I have so magic insight but a recent post here has me thinking about love.
A man posted about how much his wife loved him and he had only married her (like 10 years earlier) because he felt obliged to. Various Reddit comments soon teased out the truth. He did love her – he deeply loved her. But he had never thought about love as anything but the fireworks of movie depictions. Without the Hollywood script he had missed the truth.
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You need to learn to communicate with your husband. He clearly cares about you in some capacity and is worried about you. TALK about it.
I’m sorry but that was extremely frustrating to read, why on earth have you not said anything? He clearly loves you if he’s said all that and shows you he loves you in different ways.
He’s probably not used to saying the words. It’s been fine all this time so how is he supposed to know that now you have a problem with it? He can’t guess what the problem is, you have to tell him. To him all it looks like is you’re upset at him for some unknown reason and you refuse to say what it is.
You’ve just assumed all on your own that’s it’s one sided, you could save yourself all this anguish by just telling him what’s bothering you.
Arranged marriages are stupid, wish they stopped doing that shit. Let people marry whoever they want
Just talk to him.
Some people NEVER feel comfortable saying “I love you.” Does he tell your kids he loves them? Does he tell his parents he loves them? Do they tell him they love him?
I read a thread here a while ago where the husband wasn’t comfortable w stating “I Love You” however they developed a signal – three hand squeezes. Suddenly the wife “hears” it all the time. YMMV.
OP: are you sure you love him? Or are you just saying it because you want to hear it? Have you thought about what you love about him?
What answers do you think a bunch of strangers can give you? TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.
Op, I think I can relate a little to your situation. My partner has cptsd, ocd, anxiety, depression, and it morphed into this horrible mental health cocktail that made him feeling or expressing emotions… very difficult. He was already in therapy when we met, and immediately I was smitten with him, but for a long time it was me feeling like I was more invested in our relationship than he was. It was a horrible exercise in humiliation. The absence of the I Love You was eating me inside out.
I thought of ending it a fair amount of times, just to put myself out of my misery. And I wanted to shake him by the shoulders, don’t you love me? You act like you do! Your actions say you do, why can’t you say it?! But the idea of ASKING – the chance that he will say “I care for you, but I’m not in love with you,” the possibility of hearing that seems 10x more crushing than just trying to be happy with the piece of him you have. I… very much understand that.
But after years of therapy, he’s getting a lot better. He loves me. He’s loved me for a long time, but only in the past few months was he able to tell me how in love with me he is. And the start of him being able to tell me so… was me telling him that it was important to me, that I didn’t want to be in a lopsided relationship where he didn’t want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I needed to be with someone who felt the same for me.
You husband loves you. Be brave, op. Don’t force him to say it, but comunicate that you need him to WANT to tell you how much he loves you. I believe in you!! You’ve got this!!