How do I stop taking sexual rejection from my partner so hard?
I’m trying not to take the rejection so hard but it feels like I’m constantly being rejected. I understand that I should take her “no” for what it is. And I do but it’s hard to not let the rejection get to you. I’ve communicated my frustrations and all she says is “sorry” it doesn’t feel like there is any efforts make it better. She acknowledges that I’m “getting the short end of the stick” and that’s where it stops. Any advice?
4 comments
Either figure out how to work on it with her or break up.
Leaving.
I’m all for communication but I find it really hard to talk about it so what I suggest is writing a few notes on how it makes you feel when she rejects you and sit back to back or where you can’t look at her and she can’t look at you. Make it when you guys aren’t doing anything that could cause a distraction. Sit down and basically vent a little but don’t make it to where youre just telling her how she makes you feel. Ask her if there’s an underlying reason to not wanting to have sex like if she just doesn’t feel confident or if she wants to have sex different or if she thinks that you don’t like her a lot. Ask her why. Sitting where you can’t see each other gives both of you the opportunity to react how you want to without worry of the other person seeing you and perceiving you. I honestly like to talk in the dark because if I need to cry I can cry lol. But just ask her if there are times that she does want to have sex and why in those times like does she just feel it or is there anything you do specifically that turns her on or anything of the sort. Now I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with you but ask if there’s anything that you do that makes her not want to have sex. It’s hard as fuck but it’s better for you to know. Talking this way turns it into a conversation rather than just a vent session. Now if after all this she is truly not opening up then it’s really either couples therapy or breakup because she’s emotionally unavailable in this way.
My most recent talk with my girlfriend was because she never makes a move first and I felt as though she didn’t want me as much as I want her and it made me insecure and feel ugly. Then we talked and she said that she’s scared of being rejected and scared of doing the wrong things and overall scared that she’s not mentally or physically prepared in that moment. I told her that there are no wrong things and that we can stop and do something else or just move on if either of us wanted to but when I always make the move first it makes me feel that we’re not on a similar level of attraction. She understood and told me the ways that she’d like to move forward. We settled on having a bit of a schedule which people would think is boring but it gives her time to prepare in any way she needs to and not be scared of spur of the moment things and it gives me satisfaction knowing that we have both sort of made the move.
Accepting it gracefully and not feeling undesired is hard.
Assuming you live together you could see if she would propose an alternate time if she can think of a better time if she isn’t interested when you ask— e.g. “I am really tired, how about tomorrow night?” —of course this only works if tomorrow actually comes.
You might want to read *Come As You Are* and see if it applies? It talks about spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and if one or both partners have mostly responsive desires then you may need to do things like say yes when you aren’t horny (yet) or schedule sex.