My girlfriend and I have known eachother for about two years, in a relationship for a year and a half give or take. Lately she’s been constantly bringing up how she wants for us to move in together despite me telling her I’m not ready for that move in my life. I just graduated college and recently began working in my career field. I got my first apartment to myself a few months ago! She is still in college and lives in her own home. She spends a lot of time by my place which I’ve always told her she’s welcome anytime.
My thing is I’m just not ready. Mentally I have not crossed that threshold to where I want to live with my lady. She’ll ask the question and I’ll give her the same answer causing her lil feelings to get hurt again. I think she purposely wants to make herself angry because she knows my answer will not change within a few weeks time. I can bet I’ll get the question again. Don’t get me wrong , I love her and I’m not against making these changes in the future but as now I need that space to myself for ust once in my life.
I don’t usually look for outside advice on my personal life, but am I missing something? Are there some red flags in there? How do I go about this? I’m pretty nonchalant about things but I hate for her to make this in to problem on a bad day and I snap.
Just throwing this in there, she said I have until she’s 25 to propose. Man get out of here. She’s also been mentioning promise rings, I don’t believe in this by the way I guess it’s a girl thing. These are just factors that I have not yet figured out. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the idea of marriage I’ve heard of the problems that it can invite into a relationship. Id like to hear from some people who have been there and done that if possible. Thank you
TLDR: My girlfriend wants to move in with me but I’m not yet ready. I’ve been putting it off but it seems as if she can’t take no for an answer. I’m not sure how to handle this.
2 comments
Lots of red flags. She is in on a very strict timeline in her mind, and you’re not. That’s normal, she is being extremely aggressive.
Just have to try and sit down and talk with her. It’s hurting *your* feelings that she’s not being reasonable and that she doesn’t seem to care about your opinion here. It’s not like you have been keeping her waiting for 5 years, you’ve hardly been together for 2 years. She needs to respect that this is what you want, and if she can’t respect that or stop pestering you about it, maybe she needs to think about what she wants in life.
If I could, I would like to illustrate what is going on with an analogy…
Most people have had this experience. Do you remember as a kid going on a road trip with your parents? Then, after a certain amount of time, you start to get restless and say “are we there yet?” and the answer is “no”. Then, 5 minutes later you ask again and the answer is “no” again. This is incredibly frustrating for both the driver and passenger. The driver just wants the passenger to shut up – you will get there when you get there. The passenger just wants some kind of idea of where we are going, when are we going to get there, how much progress have we made – so they can kinda measure where they are at.
This is what is going on in your relationship.
Your GF has a goal of marrying in the next 3 years – but she is the passenger. She has NO clue where you are going, if you are even going in the right direction, when you might get there, etc. So she keeps asking.
You are the driver. You are just trying to enjoy your drive and just want her to stop asking!
I think you need to sit down and really think about what she is asking. You know her goal (marriage in 3 years). Is that something you want to work towards? If so, what would that look like to you? Do you want her to finish college first? Do you want to save X amount of money? Do you want to live on your own for at least a year? Talk to her about what the milestones are that you would need to achieve to be ready for that. Or – like your post suggests – are you just not ready to think about that at all yet? (Which suggests a 3 year timeline is unrealistic). If that’s the case – that’s ok too – but then you need to let her know that too. That way, she can decide whether she wants to move on in order to achieve that goal with someone who is on a similar trajectory as her.
Being the driver is frustrating. Being the passenger is also frustrating. The only way out, IMO, is to figure out if you are on a similar path and if not to go your separate ways.
Keep in mind that she has no idea if “I’m not ready” means “I’ll never be ready”, “I’ll be ready in 10 years” or “yes, I understand your goals and I want the same but I just need to enjoy my own place for a year”. They all look the same from the passenger seat which is most likely why she is pushing for some milestones (moving in together or getting a promise ring, etc). She is looking for an indication you are on a similar path.