I still don’t get it. If someone asked me if I wanted to hang out I’d feel praised and would say yes and if I wouldn’t have time I’d propose another day. But if I ask someone if they wanna hang out, they just say they don’t have time or some shit and don’t even counterpropose. This makes me sad because 1. I’m alone 2. I feel like people will only want to hang out with me when I’m succesful, but I want real friends that I can say I knew from day one. I feel pressured because I’m 17 already and I don’t really have friends. Am I doing something wrong? Are there possible things I do that repel people? I just want to hang out with people and make connections.

31 comments

  2. Likely you’re acting too keen to befriend them and it’s making them uncomfortable, or it’s an issue with your appearence

  3. Do you ask to hang out or you ask them for a particular activity?

    Some people refuse the hang out because it’s too abstract. And they don’t want to commit to a hangout just to later find out that it is an activity they don’t like. Example: “wanna hang out?”, “Sure”, the day of the hangout comes “so what are we gonna do?”, “oh, we are going bungie jumping”, “no, i don’t like bungie jumping”, you get frustrated/dissapointed because your expectations for the day was ruined.

    Being alone, and feeling preassure can make you be desparate (which is a tuen off).

  4. Because they already have other things they wanna do. Nothing to do with you. Join a club if you’re lonely.

  5. People can smell your desperation. The key to getting people to hang out with you is not needing them to want to hang out with you. Ground yourself in your own sense of worth, establish some hobbies, and like minded people will gravitate towards you.

  6. Well how are you meeting these people? A lot of people you may talk to at school or at work only talk to you cuz they kinda have to since you’re around one another constantly, but dont actually view you as a friend.

    If you dont have anything in common, and are not being a good conversationalist then that’s usually the big smoking sign that the friendship isn’t actually a friendship in their eyes.

  7. I think it’s better to actually go do an activity with new (potential) friends. Like go to an event together, watch a movie, hang out in a group.

    If someone I don’t know well asked me to just chill and talk I would panic because what if we quickly find out we don’t mesh well together? What if it’s awkward? What if I don’t know what to say and we just sit there?

  8. Usually at that age you’re doing classes with people and then there’s recess and lunch – do you ever talk with anyone during class and then when the class ends the conversation keeps going as you leave the room to recess/lunch?

  9. Don’t use the term “hang out”, propose doing a particular activity and phrase it as “Hey, I’m gonna be minigolfing with some people on saturday at 5. You’re welcome to come along, just lemme know.”

  10. A couple of things.

    Lighten up on the “Always”and “Never” talk, even if it seems that way. A therapist might call it black-and-white thinking or thinking in absolutes.

    Think of invitations as requests, not mandates or ultimatums. If they accept, cool. If they don’t, no big deal. Something else will come along…

    Keep activities in the hopper. And make a point of going by yourself even if nobody can join you this time around.

    When you go out and go do activities on your own, it does a few things: builds self-confidence, you gain a new experience, and you have something to talk about later. The key here is to actually go out somewhere. You don’t always have to spend money or have an itinerary. Just be open to a new experience.

    Good luck. Explore the world!

  11. Honestly, I’m 24 and I don’t really have any friends. Well I have friends but they aren’t what I would consider good or close friends. I actually lost my best friend since middle school in a drink driving accident this summer. Which ever since I have been alone. I’m an only child and have a really close relationship with my mom. Which I enjoy that we can talk about any and everything and we do lots of things together. I’m still at home since I made the decision to pursue my bachelor’s degree now after completing my associate degree.

    I know how it feels when you ask someone to hang out and they just decline the invitation. I’ve had some friends in the past where they would ask me to hang out and I would pretty much say yes every time. However, when it came to me asking them to hang out or do something I wanted to do it was like a chore to get them to do it. Which in my opinion those aren’t great friends. Now I have a friend who used to ask my every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night if I wanted to go out to the bars with him. This is because I used to go to the bars all the time with him until I got tired of doing this. He eventually finally got the message that my saying no every time he asked literally was because I told him I didn’t enjoy going out to the bars like that anymore. I said I’d be glad to do anything else but I don’t want to do that. He was just so obsessed with going to the bars to get shit faced that he wouldn’t want to do anything else. I also realized it seemed like he was just using me to get a ride to the bars because he really only stopped asking me to go out once another guy started going out and driving him to the bars.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is just make sure the friends you are asking to hang out are truly your friends or good friends that have respect to hang out when you’d like to as well.

  12. I need to know **WHO** you are asking to hang out? When you say they refuse to hang out are you talking about friends you have know for years or a possible new friend you just meet? Are you asking only in your school? do you only ask to people that look lonely? Do you consider online activities hanging out or just physical activities?

  13. Instead of trying to make people hang out with you, try to be someone who people want to hang out with.

  14. They probably don’t feel comfortable enough with you yet, so you should take it slow by asking for their social media instead. That way you can casually text them and eventually ask if they’re free in the weekend or something.

    Like others said, it’s usually the desperation scaring them. It happens to all of us all the time, we just don’t always notice it.
    If a person feels like you need them, then they will subconsciously question if they need you.

  15. do u like these people or are u just looking for junk volume? ppl have a right to reject ur invitations just like u have the freedom to decide if u actually wanna meet that specific person or not or if u like said activity or not.

  18. A few questions:

    1. How are you asking and in what scenario? I text my friends to see if they want to hang out all the time. Sometimes they do say “hey sorry I’m busy this weekend” or something, and that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to another time, even if they don’t immediately counter propose. If you give up after one time because you think they don’t like you, you might want to try again. If they reject you a few times in a row, then take the hint and find people who are excited to hang out.

    2. Do you have any interests or hobbies? I do agree with some of the comments here that making it more concrete would be more exciting (although these people could also ask what you had in mind). Ideally you already know something the other person likes doing. Ideas might be playing video games, a walk around the park, getting bubble tea or coffee. If you’re at school, you could say something like “maybe we should grab lunch sometime” to gauge interest.

    3. Do you actually like the people you are asking to hang out with? I think it’s cool you’re actively looking to make plans with people, so keep trying. If they say no then maybe they aren’t meant to be your friends. Lots of other people around and some of them will actually want to hang out with you.

  19. That’d depend on how often you ask to hang out. As an introvert, I love having some space for my solitude time, and there’s only so much energy I can spare on social encounters, especially if they last for hours.

  23. Do you ask people you know and have clicked with somewhat, at least once or twice before? Or just random classmates that you want to get to know? I’m so curious to help you figure this out. You deserve to make connections with people who like you for you! We all do.

  24. You are asking the wrong people. You probably have a preconceived notion of the type of friend you want, real friendships are very rare and genuine people scare away fake people – keep trying and be selective with who you try to hang with. Real friendship takes time and usually cannot be forced.

  25. Hey OP, I don’t really agree that merely self-reflection alone will solve your problem. Yes, it will help, but know that it’s not completely your fault that people don’t put any energy or effort into getting to know you or being friends.

    In my(admittedly limited) experience so far, the people I’ve met, usually form friends fast, and stick with those people. It’s not like they don’t talk to new people, but they prefer to hang out with their “group”. It’s also not a very conscious choice many a times-many people have a limit as to how many social interactions they can handle. On a busy day they fall back into the routine they already have, and unintentionally come across as aloof.

    Some people don’t want to be friends with you and don’t say it outright to be polite. They reject you without ever getting to know you, based on superficial reasons like “His hair isn’t great” or “he comes across as needy”.

    I’ve been told by many people that they were surprised by how easy it was to talk to me, despite me seeming unapproachable and quiet-that’s just because I’m comfortable with silence and I have a bad resting face, plus I suck at initiating conversations, but I believe I can carry one pretty well. But they judged me too early and were surprised when their judgment proved to be false.

    The point I’m making is-people resort to acting based on impressions and you can’t expect people to overlook these small things, because they won’t. The best you can do is shrug off the rejections, carry on, give yourself the love and respect that you deserve, genuinely enjoy your own company, cultivate your hobbies, and be patient. Hope that somebody comes along who doesn’t just “tolerate” your little quirks, but actually likes them.

  26. If they’re your classmate first, hang out with them at school, talk to them. Once you get closer then you’ll ask them to hang out.

  28. Because something about you is different, they might like you, but since they are too mentally limited, they are ashamed of what others people think of you and how it would affect their own ego. Basically, you are a worthy person stuck with a bunch of insecure people that probably want to show themselves around « cool »people. If you have any mental trouble or facial disorders, don’t look further.
    Just find some people that would accept you as you are, they exist, it might be a lover too

  29. Without knowing you it’s difficult to know why, but I struggled to find solid friends before 17 because i hadn’t really met a whole lot of people with similar interests as me. Once you’re on your own or especially if you go to college for a specific subject it’s easier for you to find more like minded people. If you’re not planning to go to college then maybe it would be good to join a club in your area- like a sports club, reading club, boardgame club…

    Oh also! When I moved to a new area I used Bumble BFF and found a few friends that way too.

    Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time finding friends! It will get better, just takes some time. Finding friends as an adult is hard AF.

  30. There’s nothing wrong with you and you do not need to change or fix anything about who you are. I think the reason you’re experiencing this problem is because you’re one of the very, very few people in your generation who have a genuine desire to spend time with other people and engage in real relationships.

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