I(30M) am a horrible person who was in a relationship with a single mom 35F, all i have is guilt, shame and regrets, any honest advice ?

Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I am just in pain, guilt, and shame. I am an awful, horrible person, and I know I am facing the consequences. I can’t stop thinking about it.

My one-year single mom girlfriend (35f) and I (30m) broke up two months ago because I didn’t treat her right. She said she can’t do it anymore and went back to her ex-boyfriend after three days of the breakup.

Some Things I did that show I don’t care about her or treat her right; I feel awful and horrible:

1. We were supposed to go to a movie together with her friends, but I bailed out on that and went with my friends instead. At that time, she said it was fine, but later, she told me I had ditched her and gone with my friends. She said I don’t care about her. Here, I apologize.
2. I asked her to drop me off at my friend’s house at night when she was tired from work, and I took an Uber instead since she said she was tired and couldn’t. Later, she told me I should have asked her to drop me off, and she felt like I didn’t care about her. Here, I apologize.
3. We went out together at a mall, and I didn’t hold a door for her when leaving, and the door slammed on her. She didn’t get hurt, but she said I wasn’t mindful, and she felt like I didn’t care about her. Here, I apologize again.
4. We went to a bar with some friends, and she was talking to her friends, so I talked with my friend because her friends were not leaving her. Later, after quite some time, her friends left, and one of my friends dragged me onto the dance floor, and I went for like 5 minutes, leaving her alone at the table. She got mad later, thinking I didn’t care about her and had left her alone. Here, I apologize.
5. We went to a restaurant, and when leaving, I didn’t hold the door for her, and it slammed into her again. I wasn’t aware of it again. This time she got really upset. I tried apologizing, but I guess that was too many apologies. She said I do the same thing again and again. I told her let’s meet and talk, but she didn’t want to see my face right now, and she gave a hint of breaking up. I sincerely apologized and told her I understand, let me know if you want to see me. I really want to see you.
6. I used to do house chores, but sometimes I used to miss some spots, and she used to freak out if she saw some mess, especially when she had to work all day and come back home. I used to apologize all the time.

These are just the basic things I didn’t do, and yeah, I regret that now and feel like shit.

I understand that it’s my fault because I didn’t give her enough of my time and attention and wasn’t a good partner. I also feel like I didn’t measure up to what she expected from a partner. The first 4 to 5 months of our relationship were wonderful, and I really loved that time.

Around 3 months into our relationship, I met her 6-year-old child, and things were going really well. She wanted us to move in together, but I was hesitant because I started feeling stressed and anxious, even though I still loved her. I found it hard to spend time with her when her child was around, so I tried to meet her when the child wasn’t there. This made her feel alone and neglected, as I didn’t text or call her very often.

She ended it because I didn’t give her and her kid time and attention. She asked me to meet her kids a few months into dating, and during the first few months, things were going well. I was getting close to her daughter as well. We used to dance, sing, and go swimming together. However, down the road, I had one talk with the kid that was difficult. She used to be loud and sometimes hard to communicate with. So, I casually mentioned something about the kid to her mom, which upset her. After that, I wasn’t able to hang out with her when her kid was around. I worried about saying something wrong and upsetting her mom, so I distanced myself when her kid was present, even though it wasn’t the best thing to do. This led to anxiety when spending time with her kid, as I didn’t want to make mistakes with someone who wasn’t my child. Because of this, I tried to hang out with her mom when the kid wasn’t there. I still hung out with the kid occasionally, but not as much as before. This made her mom think that I didn’t love her kid and only wanted to spend time with her. Her perspective was valid since she wanted someone comfortable with her child. While I was comfortable in the beginning, things changed over time.

Although I loved her, the presence of her ex and their co-parenting dynamic was causing me immense internal distress. I believed I could handle it, but my anxiety about being involved with someone who had a child gradually overwhelmed me. I chose not to share these feelings with her because I didn’t want to hurt her or be seen as a heartless person.

I never expressed how anxious I became when her ex and child were mentioned. I realize now that I should have ended the relationship earlier, but I also felt immature and incapable of handling the situation. I convinced myself that I could treat her child as my own, but deep down, I couldn’t let go of the fact that the child wasn’t biologically mine. Whenever the child mentioned her dad while we were together, it only heightened my anxiety. I acknowledge that my behavior reflected immaturity in dealing with the entire situation.

At the beginning of the relationship, I believed I could manage the circumstances since my girlfriend and her ex were no longer together. It seemed fine for a few months, but gradually, it started affecting me mentally. Despite my girlfriend being wonderful, the mere thought of her ex’s presence and her child created intense anxiety within me. I would make excuses to return to my apartment just to have a moment of freedom. She wanted us to live together, and the thought of it caused even more anxiety. Instead of having the courage to discuss breaking up, I distanced myself, didnt pick up the phone or text her, hang out with friends instead and pretended not to care about her.

She wanted more of my attention. She began to think that I didn’t like her child and that I didn’t want to spend time with them.

Initially, I told her that if she got pregnant, I would be there for her, but she said she didn’t want a child and would have an abortion. I agreed. However, later on, when I mentioned abortion again, she got upset and called me a bad person.

I did help take care of her child by dropping her off at school when her mom had to work early in the morning. This was tough because the child would cry for hours and become upset about going to her dad’s place. She would eventually calm down, but it was really difficult to handle.

I tried to meet my girlfriend when her child wasn’t around because it was hard to communicate with the child directly. The kid seemed to like me. I mentioned the child’s behavior a few times, and this made my girlfriend think I didn’t like her child. She reminded me that the child is just a kid, so how could I say those things.

My girlfriend told me that if I didn’t give her the attention she needed, she would find someone else who could. I understood where she was coming from, and it led to many arguments between us. She began to feel like I didn’t care about her or her child, and she doubted my qualities as a partner.

We were on and off for a year. Our relationship had a pattern of breaking up and getting back together because I kept reaching out to her to get back; I just couldn’t let it go, and she gave me chances. She used to scream loudly and lose her patience when breaking up every time. She used to tell me I am a boy, not a man. Her exes were way better than me. She used to initiate the breakup every time and go and meet her guy friend after that. Her guy friend used to call her all the time, telling me he treats her way better than me. He is a man. The guy friend is 23M. Her friends advised her to end things. I know it was toxic, but I still got addicted to toxicity.

The last fight that triggered her to finally break up: I was looking at her dog, and the dog peed inside. I did clean it but missed one spot to clean. She saw it once she came back from work and started cleaning right away. After cleaning, she got mad and upset that I didn’t stop her from cleaning since she was working all day, which I should have. Instead, I got pissed as well since she used to get upset every time if she had work and came home to see some mess. I told her I am not a perfect person, I make mistakes, and that triggered her way too much. I know I should have cleaned it or just said sorry. I never yelled or shouted at her. The next day she went on her trip with her guy friend and her girl friends. Once she came back from the trip, she ended it and told me she is going back to her ex-boyfriend, who was the friend guy the whole time.

Once she went back to her ex-boyfriend, I again begged her to come back, I will do things right and all sorts of stuff which I really wanted to do. At that point, I had realized what it takes to be with a single mom, so I wanted to fix the things I didn’t do, give her more time and attention. But she told me she is already dating her ex-boyfriend now, and it’s too late. I texted her that I miss you, want to be with you, etc., but she had made up her mind. I unfriended her on Snapchat; then she sent me a Snapchat request after 2 days and uploaded a photo with her new boyfriend. Seeing that, I got pissed and told her that she monkey-branched to a new guy. I told her I didn’t expect her to go into a new relationship so soon, and she told me that she gave me chances, but I didn’t treat her right.

After a few days, I again texted her saying I am sorry, begged again, and told her that I lied about the income I made. I told her I make more than you and I’m sorry I lied about that in the hope that she might come back, but that backfired on me. She got upset even more seeing that I never told her how much I make in reality; I used to tell her we both make the same amount. She called me and started yelling for 1 hour. I guess that makes sense since I lied about that. She told me I am a liar, used her money, which I never used her for money. I used to ask her to pay 50/50, and sometimes I used to treat her, and sometimes she used to. She told me she was going through financial trouble, and I still didn’t help her and lied about my income. She could have bought stuff for her kid and told me she’s glad it didn’t work long-term. She told me I am a walking red flag. She told me I am not a boy and not a man. I apologized at the end, told her sorry, and I regret lying about my income and not treating you well. I said sorry again, told her it was never my intention to use her for money, apologized again. Later, she texted saying, “Hope you find happiness.”

Then, I texted back again saying happiness was you, which I lost, and I regret it every single day. Texted her I still miss you, wish I had done things differently, said I wanna fix things, etc.

The next day, her new boyfriend texted me and said, “Grow up and leave her alone. She is depressed because she thinks it’s her fault that she broke up, instead it’s my fault.” I got pissed again seeing the text from her new guy, told him to stop texting me, and said, “You guys do whatever you want.” Told her that I am a walking red flag, but you also have some flaws which I always accepted. I am guessing she got even more mad that I was trying to blame her for the breakup. At that point, both of them pointed out how immature I am. Later, she called me and told me her new boyfriend has every right to ask me to stop texting her. I texted her saying that she lied about her friend guy when, in fact, that dude was her ex-boyfriend. I texted her saying here I feel shitty lying about my income and not being a good boyfriend when, in fact, she was lying about that guy friend. Then she tried to call me, I didn’t pick up because my hand was shaking, couldn’t talk to her. Later, she texted me saying if I ever text or call her, she will report me for stalking. I stopped texting her after that. It’s been like 10 days of pure no contact.

Now, all I have are regrets, shame, guilt, thinking how horrible a person I was. I should have just let her go when she broke up; instead, I kept texting her and begged her to come back, tried to blame her. Every day feels like a challenge; I keep thinking I should have done this, should have done that. Should have never told things like that after a breakup. I keep getting flashbacks of good memories; my chest hurts; I get heartache, and that doesn’t seem to go away. I just can’t seem to move on.I keep thinking about I could have had a family with her, a house. I keep thinking i missed out on so many things. I feel like I am an awful, horrible person who doesn’t know how to treat a girl and lost her. All I have is regrets, pain, shame, guilt. I am just a messed-up person who can’t seem to be in a relationship.