**Background:**
My best friend and I, who basically is a sister to me now, have been best friends since 2nd grade. We are extremely close and tell each other everything. My best friend also happens to be transgender, which isn’t important but is important because of her decisions.
**2021:**
When my bsf met her bf (25M), he didn’t have a car nor a license. This is a problem because we live in SoCal where there is no good public transportation. I told her that was kinda weird for a guy (at the time he was 23M) to not have a car or a license. She agreed with me but continued to talk to him.
From October- the middle of January
My bfs and her bf only talked on the phone and through text, b/c she stated she was going to wait until he got a license and a car.
However, every time her bf stated he would do his test he pushed it back. My bsf finally got fed up with this and decided to drive to see him (btw this is a 50 minute-1 drive), which she stated should only be for a little bit of time as he’ll get a car soon…well he never did. (I do want to state as well that he has a full-time job, but his mom will drive him to work or he will Uber to work, also nothing is stopping him if he wants to get a car because his little sister got one after working for a year. So…)
**(Skipping a lot of 2022- early 2023 b/c this would be a lot longer than it already is, but the only thing to mention is his license after failing four times w/in two years. He also told my friend getting a car isn’t a priority for him, even though he initially promised that)**
**September-present day 2023:**
She asked me in September what my honest thoughts were on her bf, and I asked her why she wanted to know. She told me because one of her other close friends basically said that he isn’t a good bf and doesn’t deserve her. So she wanted to know my opinion.
I told her, I felt the same way and that a lot of the behavior he had done in the past was questionable. She agreed with me and stated she loves him so much, but she thinks she deserves better sometimes as well too. I asked her so why not break up? She stated she think they can work things out.
This whole point comes to this point, where they got into an argument this past week. He feels his family is treating him badly because he hangs out with her too much, so she stated she won’t pick him up and hang out with him this week.
He didn’t text/call he from Monday-Thursday, then when they talked on Thursday, she asked why he didn’t talk to her at all that whole week, he proceeded to mock her and was rude to her on the phone about how he had a schedule (apparently he didn’t work this whole week, so he did nothing the whole week and ignored her).
She hung up on him and he texted her “goodnight” and ignored her text and calls the next two days. Which made him sad and she cried to me on the phone about it. I wanted to make her feel good she I invited her over to my house to play video games.
Finally, after almost a full two days, he called her and she went into a different room talked to him for 40 minutes, and came back to tell me he was mad and didn’t want to hurt her feelings so he didn’t respond to her for almost two days. She stated she forgave him and was going to talk to him more about it later.
I don’t know if hearing that last situation was my final straw, but I feel like I am completely over hearing about their relationship and holding back about how I feel about them. I love my bsf so much, but I cannot stand to see her again and again forgive him for things that shouldn’t be forgiven in my book.
I have tried to be as neutral as possible. I just feel disappointed in her, because only she can decide what she wants to accept, but I believe she deserves better, and that she shouldn’t let her being transgender stop herself from finding a good partner.
My question: How do I tell her I don’t want to hear about her relationship anymore and the reasoning is because I truly think she deserves a better partner? I ask if I should because I feel like this might now be in my place.
**TL;DR** My bsf comes to me with all of her relationship drama. She forgives her bf for things that are not okay. She feels like she can’t leave him because she is transgender and doesn’t feel like she can find another bf. He doesn’t have a car and barely got his driver’s license at 25 years old. Last week he ignored her for a whole week because they got into an argument and she instantly forgave him. How do I tell my best friend I don’t want to hear about her relationship anymore and that I think she deserves a better partner and I can’t stand to hear her be treated not the best?
Thank you to anyone who reads this. Sorry, it’s so long, thank you to anyone who reads this, and sorry for any grammar mistakes!!!
1 comment
This scenario happened to me, but I was on the receiving end of a friend saying, “I can’t anymore.”
It really woke me up, I took it well and I was grateful my friend spoke her mind. Otherwise I would have lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had.
You need to speak up, and couch it as what you can handle and what you cannot. Don’t make it about the asshole boyfriend. Always use ‘I’ Statements.
Some things to think about:
1. Hearing about every text or lack of text or what happened between Tuesday and Wednesday is exhausting and suffocating. You cannot be that person to her. She needs to manage this two/three year relationship on her own (for the most part). If not on her own, find a therapist.
2. Speaking of therapists, say that you are not equipped to support her with this. You are not a therapist; this is above your pay grade. You also have your own issues and struggles and you cannot take on hers too.
3. The constant hand-holding and angsting and shoulder-to-cry-on is clearly not helping. Nothing is changing! Point out that all this dumping is making zero difference in improving her relationship with him, but it IS eroding her relationship with YOU.
Draw some lines, draw some boundaries. Now when this happened with me, we were in our 30s-40s and much more mature. I can’t say how well someone in their 20s will react, but this is a conversation you need to have. For BOTH of you.