First off, I’m in therapy. But probably not a good one honestly. So, without suggesting therapy, how do you guys keep from being bitter?
I’m asking for some practical ways to help myself. I find myself ruminating over conversations that me and my ex have had or ones I want to have. I pace back and forth and have to make myself sit down. I really need it to stop.
I have a hobby, I play the guitar and sing. But I forget to do that because of this stage I’m in.
We have joint custody, so while they are with her I plan on getting out and trying to have some fun. Meet new people.
But I really have to get past this bitterness. Maybe suggest some exercises or something? Maybe how you dealt with it? Thanks
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Learn to actively practice acceptance. The things you cannot change are things you cannot change, like the weather or the seasons.
That mean thing your ex said to you that time?….It’s just like a rainstorm: It affected you, but you can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s not about you. Either accept it, or futilely try to change the unchangeable forever.
When I got divorce I went to so many parties, it was an amazing to close that chapter.
Speaking for myself: you take whatever lessons you can about your own bad behaviors that contributed to the divorce, and work on that. Then you find someone new who is a better match. And you stay with them and thank your lucky stars you got divorced do you could be with this better match.
keep doing things that you enjoy, and let *time* do it’s job.
check out [this community](https://reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men) for more support.
Some of the happiest men I know *are* divorced.
Time to find an 18 year old
I think you just let yourself be a bit upset for now. You seem like a reasonable person. This time and those feelings will pass.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up.
I found a much better model. Makes more money encouraged me, helped me attend college and helped me raise my kids. And she is loyal. She is my best friend and will calle on my bullshit when I need it.
Seeing my cheating ex married to someone she thought was rich, but after getting married discovering he was up to his eyeballs in debt is a nice little bonus. The camper, boat and travel were nice little shiny objects to attract her.
Also, her struggle with prescription meds has made it really difficult on my adult children to have a relationship with her… which is sad for everyone.
Bitterness is a feeling toward others….concentrate on feelings toward yourself. When I got divorced I realized how I felt about her and the situation was valueless. The only thing of value was how did I feel about who I am as a person.
Divorce is a time for self assessment and self reflection and self evaluation. If you’re bitter, ask yourself why. Its probably because you’re hurt. And ask yourself why you feel hurt. It’s probably because you saw the relationship differently than she did. Then ask yourself why that was…and so on and so on. Until you find out how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about her
No time for it. If I fall into bitterness or despair I am surrendering to something that already wasted my time and emotions.
I think I’m still bitter. I’ve made it a vow to never let my boys know about my real feelings. The real thing I’ve accepted is that I had warning signs and I ignored them. At least I learned something.
Pretty simply we weren’t right for each other and all of the yellow and red flags I ignored reminded me that I can do (and did do) better. Being bitter wasn’t hurting anyone but me, so really didn’t see the point in letting things fester
Sounds pretty fresh, give it time. Holding on to bitterness is a choice that you make. When I got divorced I was bitter af. I put myself out there and found a divorcee group on meetup .com; one thing, the about the only thing, I got from that was the idea that forgiveness is for you not them. It isn’t saying that what they did is okay or even that you are okay with it but rather that YOU aren’t going to put energy into holding on to what they did to you.
You have to make the choice to not hold on to it. They don’t owe you closure, they don’t owe you an explanation, but you don’t owe them anything either. Don’t “let them live rent free in your head”. It may take time but accept that you can’t control them and you can’t change them and they are doing or did what they wanted. Also, it takes time – weeks were together 16 years, 9y married, 3 kids – it took me 1-2 years to really be okay in my head and not constantly think about what could/‘should’ have been. Now I am very happy and looking back see how bad we were, how shitty she was/is, and how I settled (for reasons). I’m 5 years out, my ex cheated on me, she wanted the divorce, but she still talks shit about me. Everyone is the hero in their own story, so she has to tell people what she has to tell people to feel better about her decision. (E.g. just the other day I heard that she was upset that I didn’t tell her I started dating someone about a year ago; why funny? Because she got engaged and then married and never told me a thing. He’ll even for her wedding she asked me if she could have the kids on my weekend because she had “a family thing”, but never 1 word about getting remarried.)
Point is about my ex, I’m still bitter because she is a piece of shit, she took advantage of me, she prioritizes her and her husband over the kids (takes 3 vacations per year with her husband and no kids, 1 with the kids or she sends them to her parents house for a week; then she constantly tells me and the kids how she can’t afford anything to help with sports or whatever). My goal is to not keep people in my life that act like her. Once my kids are older and we don’t have to joint-parent I will never talk to her again if I can help it. All women are not my ex, thank the heavens. There are some like her but many not; if you find one that is like your ex then move on.
tldr: being bitter and holding on to the past is a choice you make. Let go and look forward instead of behind you. Know it takes time.
Transform every misfortune into a learning opportunity, once you find the wisdom you can become grateful for everything that happened. Everything can be seen as growth this way. The question then becomes, where did you get hung up? Usually there’s empathy needed for your felt misery before you’re able to continue your growth and attain this everything as growth (healing) perspective.
I am way happier now than I was when I was married to her. I got in shape, learned to cool, have a great relationship with my kids, a new and wonderful wife. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with my ex lol.
Were you happy before the divorce? I guess your relationship had been going downhill for a while before it happened…so imagine for a moment the divorce never happened and you and your ex are still together in a situation that’s no good for both of you and only getting worse as time goes on. A prison every day
Now you are free.
In navigating the complexities of divorce, it’s natural to confront emotions like bitterness. The nondual perspective you’re perhaps open to offers a lens through which one can interpret life events not as isolated misfortunes, but as parts of a larger flow. In this view, the emotions you’re experiencing are not enemies to be defeated but instead messengers to be listened to. They point you toward parts of yourself that call for healing.
Firstly, let’s acknowledge that the ruminating mind is often trying to solve a problem, however unproductively. What if, instead of pushing it away, you gave it space? You could set a specific time each day to allow these thoughts to surface, jot them down, and then refocus on something else once that time has passed. By doing this, you’re not fighting against the thoughts but setting boundaries around them.
You mentioned you have a hobby of playing the guitar and singing. Perhaps, you can channel the emotional energy you’re currently dedicating to rumination into your music. Art often serves as a non-linear form of expression that bypasses the intellectual mind, allowing for healing in ways that cognitive efforts may not.
As for exercises, consider grounding techniques to calm the mind and connect you with the present moment—deep breathing, feeling the texture of objects, or tuning into bodily sensations. These help to break the loop of rumination and bring you back to the here and now.
With joint custody and time to yourself, you have an opportunity to rediscover aspects of yourself that might have been dormant. Meeting new people and experiencing new things aren’t just distractions; they can be part of a broader healing process. In each interaction, there’s an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and how you relate to the world. There’s a potential for healing there.
In a way, the concept of “bitterness” itself can be viewed through a nondual lens as another aspect of experience—not good or bad in itself, but a part of the human condition seeking integration. With this perspective, even your bitterness is not “other” but another part of you asking for attention and healing.
Lastly, while you mentioned your therapist may not be a good one, consider the possibility that the therapeutic relationship is a mirror. The discord or lack of progress you’re sensing could be a reflection of the very issues you’re seeking to address. Whether or not you choose to find a different therapist, this could be a valuable insight into your own inner state. It’s another facet of the therapeutic potential within all interactions, if we allow it to be so.
One strategy that helped: remembering that you no longer need to solve any of the problems from the relationship. All of the things you were frustrated by and grinding your gears on during your marriage?
No longer an issue. No solution needed. 🤷♂️
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Time and living well. When I realized I no longer wished her ill, I knew I was better off. (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wish her well, either. Just no feelings.)
I worked through the tough feelings after my divorce but writing down the story of what happened. My first draft was 15 pages, mostly about the things she did and painting myself in a better light. A year later, I read through it and updated it to reflect a more accurate story of events and my mistakes. The second draft was almost 50 pages and took me nearly 4 months to finish.
Once I was done with the second draft I felt like a lot of the pain had been processed and no longer hurt.
Why let your ex live rent-free in your head?
I’m out of a toxic, abusive relationship and with a better woman now. Wtf is there to be bitter about? Life goes on
I left which I’m sure helped the mental aspect. For a few years I very deliberately had to choose to positive. Positive music, movies, no politics. Met a great girl and life is great.
It takes a lot of time. Therapy too. If the current therapist is no good, try to find a better one. And as others said, acceptance that everything changes and ends. That life is not fair. That people are not loving and loyal all the time. That suffering is part of life. All of these are from author David Richo, whose books I highly recommend. But it’s not easy or quick. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself. Try not to dig a deeper hole. That means not indulging in addictions, mostly.
I am bitter. I hate my ex wife and rightfully so if you ask me. she lied to me for years and wasted the best years of my life. Istill feel used and abused by her even though i havnt spoken to her for years. I dont think i will ever not be bitter about her, she did me dirtier than anyone else ever has and thats hard to reconcile with when she did she was the person i cared for more than anyone else. Now i have trust issues that didnt have previously, i look at everyone like they are out to use me like she did, because to be frank, if she could then anyone can. ive had to learn to put up a shell i didnt have up previously. so yea, i dunno, maybe time? i just try not to dwell on it.
I got married when I was 25, and we didn’t make it a year before we separated. I applaud you for getting into therapy; I wish I did it sooner. After my divorce my focus turned to finding wife #2. I became jaded and a lot, and I ended up in some really toxic relationships, but I never got bitter.
If you don’t like this therapist, you can find another one. Keep it up
For me it was just about working on improving myself. But also I was miserable in that relationship and I was just so happy to be out and enjoying my new freedom. It was like I had my life back and could do anything I wanted.
I was really mad, really mad. Enraged.
I had always supported my partner and when I finally needed her, she abandoned me completely. I fell down a deep hole of drinking and addiction. She lost her business due to COVID and I lost over 100,000, debt i’ll be paying off for 4 years.
None of this would have existed if she just had a normal job like me. I even paid for marriage counseling and did a bunch of work and she still didn’t want to try again, making me wonder what love was ever worth in the first place. I gave her everything and anything and her love was worth less than a bogo deal at mcdonald’s.
My rage was eating me alive, I tried to kill myself and left her a note that she will have plenty of life insurance now so she can have all the precious money she could spend and finally have her two true loves, money and herself. At the time I did all of that, I actually believed it was true and she felt that way.
We’ve been separated two years now and I now have mostly forgiven her. I don’t have the anger I used to have, not anything close to it. I even love her still, in my own certain way.
How did I get here? I quit drinking and drugs and went to rehab for 30 days and did the whole AA thing. I also got into intensive therapy and took time to find a therapist who really understood me.
I also started eating well and getting in really good shape. I took better care of my face and got a new haircut and even got my hair lightened. I updated my wardrobe which has increased my confidence.
Through all the work I’ve done, I’ve been able to see more of her perspective. I was also able to look at how I was and how hard I was to be with. I was a downer, depressed for years and drank too much. I didn’t have any passion for anything. I had no goals for the future, I wasn’t passionate with her anymore, even though she is almost 40 and her body blows me away, I just got lazy and stopped appreciating her. She always wore nice underwear, dressed well, had great hair and was a giving lover and I didn’t appreciate any of it.
It took a long time for me to take accountability, something that we don’t see a lot of in this world. I blamed so many people in my life for my circumstances and problems. Even if they are to blame, the blame wasn’t going to fix anything and by taking accountability for my feelings and actions, I was finally able to start moving my life in the right direction.
I try more things now, I feel happy most days, I appreciate the small things in the world and have hope for my future. I started working on being comfortable with discomfort and trying things even though I may fail at them.
I know this is all a jumbled mess, but I just had to figure out myself and stop blaming everyone else. I’m about to get out there dating again and feel good and know I’ll meet new women. I am a catch, I have a good job and take care of how I dress and really try to appreciate women and connecting with them (and other humans). I think my life will be great.
I did learn that love isn’t what I thought it was, though. It won’t be there for you no matter what and I will protect myself and demand more for myself in any new relationship. I will have more boundaries and prioritize what I want, this time around.
This is way too long but I don’t really know how to be short on such a huge subject. Take a year off, work on yourself, get to know yourself and face the hard realities of who you really are and start facing what raises fear in you. We can spend our whole lives hiding from who we really are and can live a whole life not facing our real self as the truth is too scary.
Read some / listen to some / learn some basic philosophical concepts.
The best thing I did around the time of my own divorce was go back to university in my 30s and get a humanities degree. You don’t have to go that far to get an actual piece of paper on the wall, but reading some of that stuff helps you learn how to learn from a conceptual standpoint.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLpO_X3dhaqULiItXg84O97OD6nPbLWH9o
This guy’s whole youtube channel is a good intro. He’s a Literature professor in the pacific northwest.
There is no right answer. There is no way to undo and redo the past. It’s called the past for a reason. No one ever changes anyone’s mind. All you can do is go forward and choose more compatible people to be around in the future.
The most important thing to ask yourself with any of these things is: “and then what?”
Most people can’t think that far ahead, to consider “and then what.” They live their whole lives without that simple basic human ability. And by the time they’re half dead they’re just a random assortment of compulsive behaviors, most of them detrimental, that are aiming them down the winding road toward their graves with nothing to show for it all.
It took a long time. You have to let that stuff all go. You’re getting divorced for a reason, cut them out as much as possible.
Meditation worked a lot for me, especially when I started to pace around the house alone, doing half a task but really just running through imaginary scenarios in my head.
Focus on the kids and what’s best for them. Think about how much less anxiety there’ll be if you and your ex can be courteous, even friendly with each other?
Also, it definitely takes time mate. It’s a process.
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