We’ve been together for over a year. Bf was staying with his family for the weekend but came home early. I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks (pet death, my period, just feeling not good) and I was sad.
He offered to come to my place (closer drive). He has this quirk, basically if I ask him to do something for me he will accept but then get defensive about it? I was hesitant, but he was offering so I said yes please. Sure enough he immediately gets a tone and says “okay but I’m leaving IMMEDIATELY in the morning so don’t expect me to hang around because I’m not going to” to which I replied “Okay. I wasn’t even asking for that, I understand that you want to go home.”
This made him angry and he said “JESUS CHRIST (My name) IM JUST EXPLAINING THE SITUATION” and then a small rant about how I always do this to him. Except I don’t, because I know he does this and I hate asking him to support me because of it. We stayed on the phone and he apologized for getting angry, but tbh I’m aware that he isn’t or he wouldn’t do this every time. I told him he had seriously hurt me, that I was exhausted and in pain and I’m tired of feeling like I need to defend myself for things I haven’t even asked for. He went silent for a while and then just changed the subject.
I told him he should go home and that I would be fine. He said “Do you not want to see me??? It would make you feel better to sleep with me tonight.” and acting very sad. I eventually wore down and he came over. We didn’t address it, but he kept reiterating that he loved being there and wanted to support me.
We had sex in the morning and he ended up staying until the middle of the day. He was very sweet and loving but now I get this feeling that if I bring up what happened he’ll just hold this over my head. Should I even bother to continue this conversation? I’ve recently realized this isn’t going to improve but he’s great most of the time.
**tl;dr bf saw I was having a bad night and offered to come to my home instead of his. I reluctantly agreed because I knew he would get defensive. He immediately did and then yelled at me over my response. I told him not to come, he convinced me and did anyway. We had a good night and he stayed until the afternoon despite that being what the whole thing was about. Not sure how I should approach this because now I feel he has this to throw out as what he’s done for me.**
9 comments
If you’re in an rlship where you’re being conditioned to not ask your partner for support, it’s not going good places. Probably take a few years to get bad though.
This is not a good relationship for you. He has made everything an emotional nightmare for you. You never know if he is going to get irrational upset over nothing. And when you stick up for yourself, he turns it into a conversation where you have to prove to him that he is a good boyfriend.
He is not a good partner for you. You deserve better. I am sorry for the loss of your pet, and I hope you start feeling better soon.
So you expressed a boundary, he “agrees” but talks out of the side of his mouth, if you get upset with it he blows up, and then he pushes for what he wants completely breaking your boundary.
Sounds like you can’t converse with him. I know some people aren’t for it, but if someone is truly toxic a text break up is best
This person sounds like they don’t have what’s best for you in mind. He actually has some classic emotionally abusive tendencies, possibly even a narcissist, based on what you described. It seems to be wearing you down too where you’re starting to question even communicating your own needs. I’ve been in many relationships like this so unfortunately I know how this will probably play out. I’ve gotten help and was single for awhile and I’m in a healthy relationship now and it’s a night and day difference. Your partner should want you to be happy and healthy because they love you. Your joy should be their joy. Imagine if you were having a hard time like you were and your partner responded with something along the lines of “Oh honey I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I’ll stop by. You shouldn’t be alone while dealing with this” and you said “Yes please” A healthy response would be “Of course. Is there anything else you need from me as your partner?” You should always feel safe communicating your needs to your partner. You should always feel valued. And you should never feel like you need to apologize for something he offered in the first place. You shouldn’t need to apologize even if you were the one to ask him to come over if you were struggling. That’s a normal request between partners. I know it’s easier said then done, and I’m usually against reddits view of “just breakup with them” but I think you could have a much more fulfilling and loving relationship with someone else. Someone who doesn’t give you emotional whiplash. Really consider if this is something you want to go through over and over again because you said this was a repeated behavior of his. You’re young and there are many people who would treat you better than this man. Wishing you all the best OP.
He’s only with you for what you provide for *him*. “I’ll come over because it suits *me* to do so, but don’t think for a second I’ll inconvenience myself in any way for you.”
He is training you that only *his* needs matter. If you advocate for yourself, he will rant and yell. If you try to push him away, he will fight until he (in your own words) *wears you down*.
> I’ve recently realized this isn’t going to improve but he’s great most of the time.
I hear Ted Bundy was an absolute delight when he wasn’t murdering women, but that was just a little thing he did on the side, it’s not like he did it every day.
Anyway, with abusive partners (which is what your boyfriend is), they’re always nice “most of the time” at the beginning. Then once it’s harder for you to get away (either you’ve moved in together, or feel like you’ve invested too much in the relationship), they drop the mask and are just their asshole selves most of the time.
End the relationship. Block him. Be prepared for him to make a HUGE deal about how heart broken he is, how he never meant to hurt you, how he’ll change, I promise baby, I was going to propose to you and spoil you for the rest of your life…
No. Remember how he treated you when you needed love and support and kindness, AND you should both still be in the honeymoon period:
> bf saw I was having a bad night and offered to come to my home instead of his. I **reluctantly** agreed because **I knew he would get defensive. He immediately did and then yelled at me over my response. I told him not to come, he convinced me and did anyway**. We had a good night and he stayed until the afternoon despite that being what the whole thing was about. Not sure how I should approach this because now **I feel he has this to throw out as what he’s done for me**.
So the thing about relationships is that 99% of them are great *most* of the time.
It’s easy to be sweet and loving when everything is going your way.
A relationship *should* be judged by its worst times. Life is stressful, and you’ll experience many times of high stress in a longterm relationship. If your partner is a terrible partner under stress… **then they’re just a terrible partner**.
As a one time thing, this would likely be recoverable. But I suspect you’re feeling like this isn’t a one time thing. The year mark is usually where the novelty of a relationship starts fading, and you get a better look at who this person is going to be in the longterm.
Girl, he’s too old to be acting like this. Life’s too short for these bullshit games. He sounds like an asshole, and you’re conditioned to accept it. Simple things like this shouldn’t be so complicated, and you’re probably getting addicted to the highs and lows of this insane relationship.
Come back and read this in 10 years. Young people put up with the craziest shit. You couldn’t pay me to be in my 20s again.
I hope you end this soon. This guy’s a dramatic dick who, at best, has a lot of growing up to do.
why are you with someone in their 30s…
This is a common manipulation tactic of abusers. It makes you feel indebted to them, it trains you to be grateful and agreeable, it keeps you on eggs shells, and it teaches you to fear “rocking the boat” while managing *his* emotions