TLDR : i am not sure if i am deeplt in love and just going through a difficult time or if my BF is being hopeless and manipulative
Hi community
About 5 years ago, I 32F, met a guy, 35, at work. He was charming, cute, funny… we started dating and we quicky ended up spending all of our free time together. We had a great relationship, best sex ever, strong connexion.
Six months after the relationship started, he went clear and revealed some secrets. We spent the whole night talking and i discovered that his personal story could be turned into an Hollywood movie. I’ll try to keep the story short. Thank you very much for reading it and your kind advices. Also, English is not my first language, my apologies for the mistakes.
What was a huge and unpleasant surprise for me that made me end the relationship is that he sells drugs. I never suspected anything like that. His neighborhood is well known for its high level of trafficking. However, he has a correct full time job with an average salary (I have seen the payslip), he spends money wisely, does not seem to be wealthy nor in need, he smokes tobacco, not weed, does not drink and I have never seen him doing drugs. He seemed to be a serious man, able to take good care of his house and daily life. He started trafficking as a young man when he had to run away from family abuses and was left with no shelter and let me understood he is not ready to stop as he loves the game.
That was a terrible shock for me. I do not tolerate consumption of drugs, needless to mention my disapproval on his activity. I also felt stupid to be so naive and put myself in a situation that could have been dangerous. I told him I could not accept what he does and even if i had strong feelings for him, I will leave and wont come back.
I did not come back. He did. Five years later.
He randomly texted me one day as he needed help after being released from jail. He has been in jail for almost two years and was left with nothing else than 500€ and major health issue as he needs kidney transplant. In my country we have awesome health system so he does not need to pay for anything.
However, he lost all his savings after getting sentenced, he only had very damaged clothes and a friend to host him.
My heart sank.
I am doing good for myself and could not help to assist him with anything he needed : I gave some money, bought clothes, shoes, food, during my free time i would drive him anywhere he needed to go. I basically accepted everything he asked for. I helped with basic needs, nothing extravagant.
Obviously, by spending a lot of time together, the feelings came back and we started dating again. At that moment, I was single and eager to build a strong relationship and family with a man.
We had an ambiguous time as I was reluctant to be in a relationship with him again and he was very gentle and caring with me.
After two month, he asked me if he could stay for three weeks at my place as his friend was having his parents over. I accepted and things turned not very well as we would fight all day long over insignificant details and it got worst when his friend called to explain he could not come back to his place.
I was not ready to be with him 24/7 as I deal poorly with conflicts. His conditions requires him to go to hospital three times a week, he also have plenty of medical needs and I start beleiving that he is facing a bad depression. His mood switches quickly, he can be the most charming man and next morning very mean because he didnt like the way qincook breakfast.
At the same moment, my tenant left so I offered him to take over the lease and rent the apartment I own. He managed to borrow first rent and deposit to a family member and will be able to cover the next rent with government subsidies. I think being apart improved our relationship, I felt he was more relaxed and peaceful for a while but the old habbits came back and we started arguing over stupid things again.
Now subsidies are very long to be processed and he is late to pay the rent which makes things worst.
I feel lost, I dont know what I should reasonably expect from him. I see in him a father for my children and I would not mind being the breadwinner, keep working while he takes care of our future family.
On the other side, he has a lot of health issues, 2 kids of his own to take care of (both kids are staying woth his mom), he has strong ups and downs and I cant help but wonder if he tries to manipulate me. Now he has not talked to me over the weekend because I refused to drive him to a place that he can reach within 20min with public transportation.
Any advices ?
3 comments
So… You left him because of the drug dealing. He faced the consequences of that choice and went to jail. And now you’re helping him, and he’s not even nice to you..?
I’m unsure why you took him back. It seems he never changed, and now he doesn’t have a job at all and very few prospects. And of course, it’s nice of you to help him but like, he’s not even nice to you.
Toxic all the way. He is definitely using you OP. He knows your weaknesses and is playing on them to get what he wants. I guarantee he called everyone he could and found (and I hate to say this but..) a sucker in you.
Nothing about this is lovely.
I understand you wanted to help him. He was in a very rough place. You offered him charity, and that was kind of you. Here’s the tricky thing about being a kind person — if you fail to be kind to yourself, you will eventually become incapable of kindness to others. This man is draining you financially and emotionally. He is taking little to no responsibility for himself. He uses dirty tactics (silent treatment) against you. He has the emotional control of a toddler.
This isn’t going to get better until you get him out of your life. He will not make a good father to your children. He will not make a good house husband. He will drag you down, further and further.
My advice is to start the process of removing him from your life. There are halfway houses and shelters out there. He was a drug runner, that means he’s resourceful — he will find a way to survive. It is **not** your duty or obligation to provide means of survival to him. He is not your child. He’s a grown man who has misused and abused the charity you provided him with.