I’ve been with this guy whose about 20 years older than me for about 9 years. I’m pansexual and he’s always known that and has made many many comments and suggestions about threesomes and what not, which I said that I wasn’t really into but he carried on, he also completely disregards my gender identity (non binary) – these have gotten worse over the last couple of years. He bought a house and I moved in about 4 years ago (we have a lodger agreement in place and I pay towards the house upkeep). He’s never been great with my mental health problems which got worse during lockdown. In October 2020 I lost my dog suddenly (no she wasn’t just a dog, she was best friend who I got just after my type 1 Diabetes diagnosis) and he was not great with me about it, the night after he randomly said woof at me.
I had a cervical cancer scare around the same time and had to have a colposcopy and then pre cancerous cells removed. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend as a teenager, and the colposcopy and stuff really triggered me and I lost my interest in sex. He would try but he’s never really done foreplay for me, it’s always been me pleasing him so I never got in the mood and when I said no he would roll over and pretend to sniff and sulk like a 2 year old (he’s in his 40s). I found messages and pictures he’d been exchanging with local escorts and he completely denied it and told me I was crazy and clearly hallucinatating again when I confronted him. The whole relationship has basically broken down.
I’ve mentally checked out of it really. I have started the process of finding a flat to buy for me and my cats and I’m quite excited for it. I just don’t know how to leave, I want to have a definite out plan before because he has previously gotten emotionally manipulative about things before and I’m pretty sure he’s going to this time too. He also yells and throws things – he hasn’t hit me. I don’t know how to approach the conversation or how to make sure I get everything. It makes me really anxious. I wish I could close my eyes and open them and it’ll be over.
TL;DR my relationship has broken down because of cheating and just duff stuff and I don’t know now to start the conversation about moving out and leaving him
Any advice or guidance? How should I approach the conversation?
2 comments
There doesn’t need to be a conversation. In relationships where your partner acts violently (like yours) it’s actually best for your safety to not say anything at all. You already know he’s not going to take it well, so why put yourself through that?
If you can, move in with family / friend now. Focus on buying your flat, collect your important documents and possessions, get your cats chipped and registered as belonging to you if not already, then wait for a day he’s at work/away and get a moving van. Leave a note saying simply that you’re not happy, you’re breaking up and he’s never to contact you again. If he’s never out the house, ask for a police escort to be present when you move.
Make sure you block him on all socials and warn your family/friends that if he contacts them to tell him nothing because you’re broken up.
I second the letter thing. You are sure of your decision and don’t need to be manipulated. You could also have that conversation with him and have a Friend waitint outside for you to pick up your stuff ? So he knows you’re not alone but also it’s not as cold as a letter.