Is my relationship toxic?
Warning, very very long read
TLDR; the last part is a good summary i feel.
my girlfriend (23f) and I (28m) and I have been dating for almost two years now. We have similar goals for the future, have a lot of fun, and help each other out every single chance we get. But ever since her (ex)best friend [lets call her X1] made a shit show of my friend group and my relationship (she slept with my married best friends, both of them) [the important one is called X2]it’s all been down hill. X1 and X2 both started dating while X2 was still legally married (sure his marriage was having major troubles but still :/ ) and this really bothered my gf. She has very strong morals and X1 doing this without caring about how it made my GF feel made my GF spiral and come to the conclusion that X1 never gives a f*ck about her and is hella selfish (which really is hard to argue against). At this time X1 and X2 kept jabbing at her and doing small things that would irritate and piss of my GF. I decided I wanted to stay out of it. I told them all there problems are theirs and they need to solve them. And I couldn’t look past the fact that X2 was my best friend hands down. My GF absolutely hated that I didn’t choose a side and she’s been carrying this for the past two years. Every single argument we have had (which for the last two months is nigh on daily) ends coming back to me betraying her by not picking her side indisputably. I couldn’t choose a side because I wanted them to figure it out, she would stay at my place everyday, and I would see him at work every single day (Navy, small ship, same berthing, racks were 3 rows away from each other). So I could never just have taken a side and not face immense backlash from either one.
FF two years later, we’re arguing every single day/night and yesterday night she admitted she’s taking it out on me cuz she’s still upset. I told her she needs to work on getting past that resentment cuz it’s not fair that I keep stepping out of my very small comfort zone and end up upsetting her regardless of my efforts to fix the relationship or make amends. She said she’ll forgive me when she can or if she can. What does that even mean? I’m so mentally tired of walking on eggshells every day and still breaking the whole crate regardless of how careful i am. Are we toxic then? Are we just not meant to be?
2 comments
You had your reasons for not getting involved, and they were good ones. If she doesn’t see that, then she’s demanding control over you and this isn’t about morals.
I’m leaning towards something being wrong with her, but tell us more about her if you can.
So sorry about this long answer
So every time we argue about the two exes, it kind of stays unresolved. Ever since the whole problem went down my relationship with X 2 deteriorated more and more every day until the point that it’s been seven months since we’ve even talked. But she holds onto the notion that it’s too little too late, and I wouldn’t mattered. I didn’t choose her.
Yesterday we argued because I had told her I wanted to be by myself and play my video games after a long 15 hour shift at work. Usually when I’m tired after work I’m a bit short and cranky, so I just wanted to be alone to evade any problems. We’ve discussed before me having days where I can be alone with no expectations whatsoever. But every time I let her know, she gets visibly upset or changes the way she’s texting me completely. Mind you this was her birthday week and ever since Sunday. I’ve been working my ass off to try to make sure I gave her a better birthday experience than last year because I definitely fumbled the ball that year. So yesterday once I told her I wanted to be alone, she stopped replying immediately, and was answering with very short replies. I am a very anxious person so I asked her if she’s OK if I had angered her, and she only replied with “not really”. I tried again to get answers, and she answered very short reply. I replied with. I’m sorry and she didn’t answer again up until I fell asleep. she replied, good night at around 840, and 10 minutes later, she said you can’t even reply to that?. I guess around 1030 or 11 I woke up to turn off my phone(I was watching videos) and I must have opened the Facebook app. I woke about 30 to 40 minutes later to a bunch of messages woth her being angry that I could be on Facebook, but not answering her. And truth be told I get it. It looks bad. But after trying to explain to her everything, we were going in circles and the conversation ended with her saying that she was still giving me a hard time because of X’s situation. And she cant get past the resentment.