So, I’ve been best friends with this girl, let’s call her Lexi, for around 3 years. She had never been with a girl before or ever expressed interest to me in woman. Anywho, Lexi and I started hanging out every single this past year. It was like clock work. Every night after her serving shift, she would come over and either stay over or we would stay up talking super late. There was times I would walk her to her car so she could go home, but then we would end up talking for hours in her car.
Low and behold, I found myself falling in love with her. We would call each other multiple times a day, spend every moment we could with each other, text constantly, call each other goodnight, basically acting like a couple. I eventually realized I couldn’t keep this up, so I told her I had feelings for her. I was worried of ruining our friendship, but I realized it was sort of already ruined if I couldn’t be honest with her about how I felt. What’s crazy is that Lexi, with tears in her eyes, had feelings for me too! We took some time after that, but we ended up dating for about 8 months. I was happy. She loved me, and I loved her. Her family loved me, my family loved her. I started saving up money for a future with her. We both dreamed of having kids in the future, and artificial insemination is not cheap. I saved up to $50,000 in a separate savings account for our future home. I had mentioned this to her in one of our conversation, and she didn’t seem to be fazed.
A few weeks after this, she breaks up with me because she has always wanted to conceive a child naturally and doesn’t see herself with a woman because of this. She told me that she has never loved anyone the way that she loves me, but her dream is to be a mother and because I’m a woman, I can’t impregnate her. She says this all with tears in her eyes, and I’m incredibly heartbroken. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I can’t help but still have a hope for us. She wants to remain best friends, and I honestly don’t want to lose her. I don’t know what to think or do. I love her so much, and I know she loves me. Her last statement to me was “I’m scared that I just lost my soulmate.” That broke me.
I’m conflicted. I know being friends with her long term is probably not going to be the best for me, but I really don’t want to lose her in my life. Reddit…what should I do? Should I create some space between the two of us, or continue in a friendship with boundaries that give me reminders that I can never be with her?
28 comments
So she wants to remain friends while you watch her go on her merry way and meet and date men, possibly marry one, and then have a child. She gets what she wants and you get left by the side of the road.
Of course, anyone has the right to break up with someone for any reason, but do you really want to remain close friends with someone who in the future is going to view you as nothing more than a “phase” they went through?
Hmm… i think its her loss tbh. Why would she want some hypothetical guy to possibly impregnate her one day when you both can choose someone whos genetically superior by sperm donor.
Maybe this can rekindle but it seems to me the mentioning of the money saved made it a bit too real for her and maybe she was conflicted as you are the first female relationship shes had… i would still be friends but with clear boundaries like you said. Maybe even a month of waiting before hangingout or talking again.
Just tell her its you shes talking to. Someone shes never held back sharing her feelings before too, so to just speak whats on her mind. If she cant find herself to confide in you anymore as a friend then i dont think it will be as healthy to keep the connection going
Distance yourself for right now, because you can’t separate romantic feelings from platonic ones right after your relationship ends with someone.
She’s made her choice, and you have to let her live with it. It’s what she wanted.
On a side note tho, what is your profession that you can save 50 grand in less than a year and how do I get one?
She sounds too emotionally immature to have a relationship with honestly. I lost my soulmate, but I want a p*nis to impregnate me. Are there other ways you have seen emotional immaturity with her?
I only want to ask one question.
How was you able to save up $50k in just 8 months?
You should put some space between you at least until you can get beyond your romantic feelings for her.
I was in a situation just like this :(!!! I was best friends with a girl for years, and was afraid to admit my feelings for her in case of ruing the friendship. She had also never been with a girl or given any indication of being gay. But, after a while, she admitted her feelings for me! I was on top of the world! We started dating, and things were a little tricky at times because of our homophobic families but between us everything was amazing. But, eventually she approached me and said she couldn’t do this anymore, basically for the same reasons you mentioned in your post. She had a religious upbringing, and so subconsciously she felt very pressured to make the “right” choices for her future- marry a man, have kids, etc etc. I was heartbroken, and couldn’t understand. And here’s where my advice for you comes in— Just like you, I desperately wanted her to remain in my life. She was my best friend after all! But every time i saw her was SO painful. Literally ripped my heart apart again and again. Finally, I realized as much as it hurt, I needed a boundary with her in my life. I just couldn’t have her in my life the same way she used to be, as hard as that was to here. So, Id recommend adding some distance between her and you. Eventually, you might even heal enough to be able to see her more and have her in your life more. But for now, having her in your life will probably hurt a lot more than it would help. With distance, you will be able to sort through your feelings better and focus on healing. Anyways, sending so much love 🩷🩷🩷🩷 I know how rough this is and i am SO sorry.
Sorry you had to experience this OP. You seem like a great partner. I’d distance for the sake of your own mental health. Will make it way harder to move on otherwise. Don’t put yourself through that torture
I mean there are donors and surrogates. Come on now. I know a married lesbian couple, they each had a kid by the same donor so that their children are half-siblings by blood. You dodged a bullet, that was super shitty of her.
you need to take a break from seeing her and think about everything. your feelings for her are NOT on the sane page as being just friends. of course you dont want her out of your life, but are you sure you can stand by and watch her date, marry, and have a family with someone else? would that other person be ok with you being around knowing your history together? i think for the long run you dont have to cut her out of your life completely (unless it becomes too painful or its all around not good for you mentally and emotionally) but its gonna be awhile until you’re actually ok seeing her.
8 months and you saved up $50,000? You really need to take a creative writing class because this sounds as if it were written by a 13 year old. Which you likely are.
I can’t fathom how difficult this is for you. I’m truly sorry for the pain and betrayal you’re feeling. I think there are cases where getting a counselor is beneficial and this is one. Maybe start journaling and getting all of your thoughts out and ask yourself if you can handle seeing her trying to find a man to date/marry/have kids with. I don’t know you so I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, maybe start out not talking/unfriending from all social media. Then start out small with occasional communication and see how that feels. If it feels okay, keep going. If it hurts go backwards. If she’s dating see how it feels knowing about it. Give yourself time to recover.
That is really an incredulous excuse. It’s more likely that she wants to try a relationship with a man now. There’s nothing wrong with that, but her making you feel inadequate and still trying to be friends is not proper and considerate. And she is going to be in a world of hurt if she thinks it’s going to be easy to find a good man.
Breakups are incredibly hurtful but you will heal. But if you really want to, you can try some couples counseling with her. The sessions may help indentify if there are some other reasons. Also not recommended but you can try polyamory with her. It would require strong communication and boundaries though. Best wishes.
It may not feel like it now, but I think you dodged a bullet. This girl is immature and honestly selfish. She needs to figure herself out, and she shouldn’t get to drag you down in the process. Leave her be, and go your own way
Is she open to sperm donation, and she can carry the baby? Or is she dead set on having her partner be the other “half” of her babies DNA? What happens if she meets the “perfect” man who can’t have children “naturally”?
She’s not your soulmate. You dodged a bullet. Do not sacrifice your mental health to stay friends with this selfish woman. Get alot of space from her. She is clearly the type to keep you hooked to her emotionally if you stay in contact with her. Staying friends with her will only benefit her as she does not want to give up your emotional support, however this will harm you because it will keep you hooked on her. Do you really want to be her emotional support ex while she starts pursuing men to impregnate her?
Honey, just walk away. You can’t salvage this friendship. Either it’s done forever and you will be torn up as she moves on, or you will be the side piece forever. If you end things and aren’t there there are two options for her and you – get over the ended relationship or she realizes that’s a reason she is not actually committed to.
Best case scenario is she says what she means, worse case she’s been cheating with men and had a pregnancy scare – would 100% be an excuse why she came up pregnant after you break up. Seen it happen too much. I’m AFAB nonbinary asexual bi romantic.
She was dipping her toes in the Sapphic water and now wants to keep you near in case a man breaks her heart. Back way up, protect your heart.
Does she realize that even straight couples use IVF to conceive? I imagine they love their children no less than if they had been conceived “naturally”.
What any kid needs, regardless of how they were conceived, are two parents who love each other and share the same values. You deserve someone who is all in and would see you as an equal parent, regardless of gender.
You saved $50,000 and your 24? I call bullshit.
Dumb shit happens. You are young. Move on.
You are a dream for someone else. Walk away. Keep your momentum. The next catch will also be trying to catch you too. You got this boo. And stand your ground. Stop responding if you must. The sooner you let her go, the sooner your forever person will walk around the corner.
Sounds like she has a lot of things she needs to work on within herself, and it’s the best thing to do for the both of you, step back and let her figure her own self out, otherwise she will just keep hurting you over and over while she deals with it all.
If you remain friends, you’ll most likely have to witness her dating men, possibly falling in love and having a family without you. But she’ll get the best of both worlds because you’ll still be there. Distance yourself; she needs to realize her selfish decision has consequences and that you’re not disposable. Give yourself more credit.
First experience lesbians or bisexuals can sometimes be experimenting and unsure of their real preferences for one gender over the other. Or have goals they didn’t know they had and can’t wrap their head around other ways to reach those goals. It’s best to let them figure that out on their own.
My ftm trans son, before he started, transitioning, was dating a woman. It was her first lesbian experience. She kept going back and forth to her husband she was divorcing and my son. One day, my son, still, my daughter, at the time, told me he was wanting to transition. Knowing what was happening in his relationship, I asked him to step away from the situation and put his plans on pause. I wanted him to let the woman make her choice Without putting any stress on him about how much she might still love her husband. I was concerned it was that back-and-forth that made my son feel like this was the appropriate time to make this decision.
Within a month they broke up. My son had not moved forward on his decision. He moved states and made new friends. About a year later, he told me he still wanted to make the transition. At that point I was very supportive and excited about getting a son . I have never called him his dead name sense. When he came to me this time, I truly felt he was doing it for himself. And so did he.
The point is, she could not decide where her comfort place was. It was affecting the emotions of my son. Once they broke up, he had to step away in order to figure out his real emotions. So did she. As much as he would like to stay friends with her , it didn’t work that way.
Hey um so . . . There’s also home insemination, for your future family planning. Not with this woman. It’s LOADS cheaper than artificial insemination, and loads less physically invasive.
How is anyone in a same sex relationship having a kid “naturally”? Getting inseminated is natural?
The idea that artificial insemination has to be expensive is so misguided. My siblings and I all exisy thanks to turkey basters. Lesbians in the 90s did it different!