Original: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16ssm0a/when\_do\_i\_disclose\_to\_her\_about\_my\_lack\_of\_sexual/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16ssm0a/when_do_i_disclose_to_her_about_my_lack_of_sexual/)
Update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16vqm6r/update\_i\_disclosed\_my\_lack\_of\_sexual\_history/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/16vqm6r/update_i_disclosed_my_lack_of_sexual_history/)
As you may recall, I had recently disclosed to my friend that I hadn’t been sexually active in a long time and was quite anxious about it, but she had been very supporting and open about it. She finally came to visit this weekend.
The good news: we had sex on our first night together, my first time since I was a teenager.
The bad news: I had ED, and then became insecure about it for the rest of the weekend. I went limp the first 2 attempts. I stayed hard for maybe like 3-4 minutes on the third attempt, but I was having a hard time feeling it happening. She eventually told me it was hurting her (quote “you’re too big” haha never would have thought that), and she encouraged me instead to finish myself onto her stomach. A little anticlimactic (no pun intended), but I was still very attentive to her during foreplay and she told me she really enjoyed everything.
I became very self conscious about the ED and possible death grip issues. She put off having sex the 2nd night, but we did cuddle and make out for awhile. On the 3rd day, she started touching me again. I was afraid that if she stopped I would lose my erection and not get it back, so I didn’t stop her as she finished me. I wanted to reciprocate, but she said no and clearly looked disappointed. She would still talk about wanting to try again before she left, but then continued to put off sex for the rest of her stay (though we did keep making out several times).
We talked about it at length. She expressed that she thought we were about to have sex again, which in my inexperience I had not realized. She told me she put it off the rest of the trip because she felt we rushed in. She typically used sex with guys to cover her own insecurities about men, but she said she really liked me and was hoping to take it slow. She said it had nothing to do with me.
I expressed my insecurity about not keeping it up the first time, and how it flared my prior anxieties about my lack of experience. She was very understanding and reiterated that she enjoyed the first time. I told her I had already been working with a sexologist about my anxiety issues and now would continue to work with her about my physical issues. She encouraged me to keep doing so.
We discussed seeing each other again, but she wanted to go home and think about it. While we had a great time on the trip, sex is clearly a big deal to her and I wasn’t able to show that I could overcome my inexperience level and insecurity. I can now understand how sex alone can derail an otherwise great relationship. That said, I am hopeful she will look past this and see each other again soon.
In an ironic kind of way, I spent 16 years anxiously waiting for the next time to have sex, and then even after it happens I’m now even more anxious about waiting for the time after that. I still feel like I need to prove that I can do it the same way everyone else can. Hopefully I get a chance to do that sooner than 16 years.
11 comments
>In an ironic kind of way, I spent 16 years anxiously waiting for the next time to have sex, and then even after it happens I’m now even more anxious about waiting for the time after that. I still feel like I need to prove that I can do it the same way everyone else can. Hopefully I get a chance to do that sooner than 16 years.
I feel the more you think about it, the worse it’s gonna be…then you worry about having problems again, and think about it. So it’s like a catch-22.
But you have to try your best to not focus on the orgasm or getting hard, and instead focus on the connection with her and pleasing each other through foreplay. Hell, might even want to take sex off the table for a few times, then just see how things play out.
I’ve dealt with ED for a while. At first, it was due to my split up and me feeling guilty/knowing the woman wasn’t my ex, and not being able to stay hard. Then, after I did get over my ex, it still being in the back of my head and coming to the forefront when things started to get sexy. I’ve found the previous process to work best for me. Once I started dating someone I care about, and the anxiety was in the past, ED wasn’t an issue.
Do yourself a favor and get some cialis. Take a small amount, the full dose will make you not able to come and give you a headache. Half a pill is the sweet spot. I’ve been in your shoes. Take cialis. Until your comfortable with the person
Honestly as a woman, if a man was so dedicated to improving his performance over a little ED jitters, I would be SO turned on by that.
Like you’re literally investing time, energy, and major vulnerability because you reeeeeally want to give me orgasms? You’re a keeper- hopefully she’ll realize that.
I feel like first and foremost getting out of your head would be helpful. From a woman’s perspective it seems like you have someone willing to support you through any challenges. Give it a chance.
You can’t make it over the finish line if you rush past check in.
I think you’ve handled it well, I personally feel it’s a lot of pressure to be expected to have sex with someone as soon as you meet, I mean what about the theramones.. I would prefer to get to know someone and trust them before getting in the sack so hats off to you
Read She Comes First by Karner.
Focus less on yourself and your erection. Focus on getting her off via oral sex.
It seems that you’re both coming in with mental blocks, so it’s good you’re working with a pro to manage through it.
My recommendation would be to take sex off the table for a while. Not necessarily in an official capacity, but remove the focus on PIV intercourse and discuss with each other that you’d like to explore sexual intimacy without sex being the immediate goal.
Instead, for both of your sake, focus on emotional and physical intimacy. You can get erotic with each other without intercourse. This will allow you both to open up and become more comfortable with each other without the expectation and possible disappointments that can come with intercourse.
Since she’s coming to the table with some sexual baggage too, this will also be a good way for you to demonstrate your desire to support, please and emotionally invest in her — and hopefully let her get comfy with the idea of her own pleasure + the experience vs using sex as an insecurity bandaid.
Go heavy on the foreplay. Ask your sexologist about resources that teach you about non-intercourse sex. Mouths, hands, making out, everyone loves a dry hump! You can even introduce props for sensory exploration — feathers, ice cube in the mouth then kiss a nipple, sensual massage with warm oil, etc. Discuss, explore and discover each other’s erogenous zones. Genuinely *talk* each other through the process — don’t just initiate sexual contact and sort of bumble through it with each other in silence. I mean really TALK, instruct each other, ask questions, give feedback.
At some point you’ll be comfortable enough with your own and each other’s bodies that you won’t be so in your head about *finally doing it*. What I’m suggesting, essentially, is creating a familiar map and experience so that you can eventually allow your body to go on autopilot and get to PIV intercourse without a bunch of interference from your conscious brain. Think about when you’re driving a familiar route and you realize you’ve driven 5 mins without really noticing that you’ve been driving. At some point, you want to get a level of comfort that your bodies will guide the way without you having to think about and pay attention to every little detail/decision of how to get there.
I feel like it’s incredibly common for this to happen the first go round with a new partner! And saying this as a woman, we really need to get better about taking ED personally.
Just because he doesn’t cum, doesn’t mean you haven’t turned him on! Us getting upset and assuming that it’s us only exacerbates the problem and really adds even more pressure.
You did not take my advice on the first post so I doubt it will be different now but you really need to get out of your own head. You could be the poster boy for this sub since almost everyone on here is way too in their own head about some minor issue related to dating. I don’t think you need a sexologist, you need a general therapist to help you with your general anxiety. I imagine that once your hang ups about sex go away you will obsess over some other issue. I have anxiety and that’s how my brain works, but I am aware of it and have been in a whole lot of therapy for it.
What else did you guys do during the weekend? You have only written about sex and cuddling.
Did you guys go to dinner? Grab cocktails? Go on a hike? Did you like her as much as you thought you would and do you actually want to see her again for any reason besides having sex again? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself.
As you can see, women are pretty understanding when it comes to ED, so don’t get so in your head next time you have sex the first time with someone and you can’t keep it up. Because I can promise that it will happen again. Just say that it’s you not them and it happens the first time with someone new. They won’t care and will probably want to see you again anyways if they are already willing to let you stick your penis inside of them.
Regarding the actual sex stuff…did you guys use condoms? If so you gotta make sure you get good condoms. Bad condoms are bad for good sex. They might be too tight, too thick, not lubricated, etc. For the death grip, if you masturbate with your hand without lube then you just gotta take a break from that. Give yourself a week or two with no masturbation. Then start using lube. Or a toy. Fuck it go by a bunch of toys. Leave them in your night stand. That’s what I do. Most women you will date do the same thing. Unless you start dating conservative religious women or start dating young 20 something year olds, then nobody is going to judge you for having a sex drawer. All the women I have dated the past few years actually see it as a turn on because it shows confidence that I’m not treating it like some taboo thing, it shows I know my own body, and that I am willing to experiment with them.
No wanking for at least a week. You have clear motivation here. See how it goes next weekend I guess. That should solve things. Also, stop asking her so many questions about the experience. I remember saying you could talk yourself out of this whole thing. She seems nice so far, but at a certain point, she’s going to start severely questioning herself (she might be getting there now). Just enjoy your time together and communicate in the moment.
No wanking for a week or until the next time and it should be better.
Stop masterbating.
I can guess you likely do it too much.