Hi All! New here. TLDR: my husband of 9 years went to a strip club with buddies at his college reunion after I asked him to watch his spending. He is 39. I’m mad that he spent money on a strip club and that he went in general as I think it’s skeezy for his age and martial status. He doesn’t even like strip clubs. I’m looking for input on whether I’m overreacting and how I should further address this with him when he comes home.
My husband went to a college reunion this weekend while I stayed home with our kids. We are 39 and 40, have been married 9 years, and are in savings mode to pay down a few outstanding debts and try to ramp up our investments. The debts are primarily because he overspent last year (I’m a saver), but I never make him feel bad about that and he knows he needs to be smarter with money. I asked him before he went to please be conscious of how much money he spends because I don’t want to derail us and we are in a critical period (he covered the airfare with miles). He was going to be meeting up with a few guys from college who despite being married with kids can still get pretty wild so I was especially concerned about things getting out of hand. Like they can never just have a couple drinks, catch up, and call it a night. It’s always over-the-top.
Well fast forward to last night as I’m getting into bed, I look at his location (we share locations due to something that happened to a family member a while back) and it says he is at a strip club. I immediately text him that i think that’s gross and he 100% agrees and says they are leaving soon (he is not a fan of strip clubs and never goes). Then I realize he has withdrawn $100 from our shared checking account to go to said strip club. I immediately text him and tell him I don’t appreciate him spending our money to go look at naked girls when we had a specific conversation about this. He immediately apologized and agreed it was stupid and hurtful. When specifically asked he clarified he hadn’t paid for a lap dance or anything…that he had just spent $10 mostly on beer (hope the rest isn’t on $1s to toss at strippers but who knows). He then stood outside for 20 minutes until his friends were ready to go.
I think he did all the right things, but this morning I woke up still feeling kind of angry that he went to a strip club in the first place. I know it wasn’t his idea and he was going along with what someone in the group wanted to do, but I just feel like it’s juvenile. There is also something so gross to me about a 40 year old man going back to his college town and going to a strip club. Seems like the adult thing to do would have been to say “hey I’m good. I don’t like strip clubs and don’t want to spend my money going to one. Text when you’re done.”
Anyway, he is coming home today and I’m sure we’ll discuss it and I’m not sure how much to further address it with him. I feel I have to because I’m still so irritated, but I don’t want to be unreasonable. Looking for advice on how to raise it without being over-the-top. Again, his reaction was right when I expressed concern and I’m glad he didn’t spend our money on a lap dance (that would be a whole other level of angry for me), but I’m still annoyed that he went at all. Admittedly, it’s both that he spent money on it and that he didn’t have the class to say “I find these seedy and don’t want to go” so it’s not just the money.
I generally don’t want to control WHAT he spends money on as long as we stay on budget, but this felt different somehow to me.
Welcome thoughts!
29 comments
He took out $100 to only spend $10 on a drink? Not a cover charge? Not to toss it at dancers? He waited 20 minutes outside? None of this is believable.
He’s seriously downplaying this
Girl, he didn’t take out $100 to buy a drink and sit outside. You know better
Based on the comments, just reminding you that you’re mostly getting responses from younger men as a reflection of the general user base here. It doesn’t mean that your expectations and disappointments are not valid – just that these men are seemingly not in long term committed relationships and are choosing to frame your perspective as “mean old hag wife who won’t let her husband out of the home to have fun with ~THE BOYS~”
It sounds like you are reacting to the disrespect to you. Yes, it is gross, he is probably old enough to be their dad. When you talk to him you will be able to tell if he is lying about his actions. You are not overreacting. Additionally, stripper are much more aggressive in their push to sell themselves then 20 years ago. A lot more physical interaction is acceptable between the stripper and the customer.
Comments here are fucked. Everyone is allowed to decide their own boundaries and your HUSBAND spending money you don’t have at a titty bar while you stay home with the kids is most definitely worth being pissed off about.
There are two issues here. One is financial, money is tight, and he blew money on a whim after you mentioned concern about it.
The other is that he went to a strip club. I personally wouldn’t like it if my husband did that. Not out of jealousy, but it is cringe behavior. Really, bud? You going to pay to look at naked women at your age? I bet he also thinks they were into him.
I personally think you can’t win in this situation. He knows to expect fall out, and he is going to twist it into a jealousy/control thing. Which to me isn’t the issue. You thought you knew him, and he does this. That’s the issue. I would say you dislike he wasted money. As for the strip club thing, I personally couldn’t be cool about it. I’d probably ask my husband, “how’s the midlife crisis going?” Or perhaps “do you enjoy purchasing access to women’s bodies, or are you that easily pressured by your friends?”
Wait, you believe him? Lol.
Wait until he sells you oceanfront property in Montana!
OP, you’re too experienced and old to be this gullible lol.
That’s silly. You can use your card at the bar and usually for the cover if there is one. It’s certainly not 100 bucks for a cover anyway.
You can’t use your card to tip the women or get dances.
He 100% took the cash out to get dances or tip on the stage (or both).
He’s lying to you.
I seems like you have two separate issues here. One is he spent time looking at naked women with the boys in a strip club, and the other being he used money from a shared account for personal use. You’re using one issue to justify being mad about the other, so the first order of business is to separate them and tackle them one at a time.
One, the money. Explain in plain language that for every dollar you contribute is one less dollar you have to spend on something you’d enjoy like a new haircut or whatever creature comfort you enjoy. For every dollar he takes out it burdens you more, and sets you both back from paying off the debts. He needs to double up on this month’s contributions to pay that back and make it whole. This would apply no matter what he used the money on.
Second, the strip club. If he used *his* money for that, would you still have an issue? This also needs to be explained. Lay out whatever insecurities you may have, and he needs to listen and understand. $100 isn’t an outrageous sum of money for anything and that amount honestly gets you nowhere in a club (gets you nowhere in a grocery store either in 2023). I’m thinking this is the issue at the heart of this and it’s going to take honest talk to get past.
He went because he wanted to go. Full stop. Was he aware of your stance on strip clubs? 9 years, there’s no way he didn’t know. He just didn’t care and knew he could make up some lies and you’d eat them up. He willingly went and enjoyed it. I doubt it was his first time, just first time being found out. So now what? Be mad awhile and then move on. Or be mad and end the relationship. Whats the other options?
As a former stripper, I assure you your husband is lying to you.
If my husband went to a strip club we’d have some serious issues happening here.
He has disrespected you and damaged your trust. That’s something so incredibly difficult to gain back in a marriage. I don’t know how you can deal with it because I don’t know your relationship but you def should do something about it.
>are in savings mode to pay down a few outstanding debts and try to ramp up our investments. The debts are primarily because he overspent last year
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>he has withdrawn $100 from our shared checking account to go to said strip club.
You need to separate finances and keep the joint account for joint expenses only.
The debt from last year is his debt. Why are you paying for it together? And he needs to put the 100 dollars back into the joint account.
He sounds irresponsible. Are you sure you want to be the saver and investor in a relationship when he spends on whatever he wants? He is the one benefiting from the relationship money/finances wise while you are not benefiting at all.
I want a world where women stop making up excuses for men. He is an adult and if he didn’t want to go a strip club, he wouldn’t have. Yes, it’s that simple.
Girl I don’t wanna be harsh, but he OBVIOUSLY does not find strip clubs gross like he’s telling you.
Why would he even go? And why would he be taking out 100$ in cash if it wasn’t for the dancers?? There’s NO way that he anticipated needing that much for food and drinks, and what bar doesn’t take card these days?
He chose to go to a strip club with a full wallet of cash for the dancers. Don’t let him convince you he was just a poor guy who had to be subjected to that environment
OP, do you have separate bank accounts? If not, I would advise to get one. He doesn’t sound like he’s all that concerned about paying off debt or controlling his own spending. I’d hate to share an account and all my money with some guy who lies and can’t control himself.
I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t like strip clubs, didn’t get a lap dance, and waited outside for 20 minutes for his friends.
Looks like I’m in the minority here but as another married female with a significant other who has a spending problem – from the money perspective, I think $100 for a night out with friends is reasonable. If you didn’t want him spending money, he probably shouldn’t have gone to the reunion at all. From a relationship perspective, are you upset that he went to a strip club, period? Would you have been as upset if you had the money to burn? If so, why? Because he is looking at other naked women? For $100, he likely isn’t doing anything more than that. Is it because you’re stuck at home being responsible and he gets to do what he wants? Your feelings are valid but I would suggest getting to the root of WHY you really feel this way. You cannot control him, ever, but you can control yourself. If you are upset because you are tired of being responsible, maybe it’s time for a friend night or weekend of your own! If it’s the fact that he might be looking at naked women, you might want to consider why that bothers you so much. Etc.
He doesn’t even like strip clubs – hahaha
Unpopular opinion apparently but as a married woman my boundary is that there are no strip clubs in our relationship. To me, it’s infidelity. My husband has always respected that. He didn’t go to one for his bachelor party because he respected my boundary. If your husband respected you, he would not have gone. I’m sorry you are going through this.
The financial thing is a dealbreaker to me. But the strip club? Id roast him for the rest of his life over doing something so trashy.
I (43M) personally hate strip clubs. I went to one in my life during a friend’s bachelor weekend. I bought drinks, because of course. I sat with my friends, because of course. I threw some money at the girls, because I would be an asshole to sit there and not.
Is this guy the same? I have no idea. But there’s at least one person in the world who would fit this story.
Except the part about waiting outside 20 minutes, which would just be weird. (But possibly believable if he felt obligated to after talking to wife?)
“I hate this strip club so much! I’m gonna stand outside for 20 minutes! Ick!”
“Oh, that hunnid…well, a drink was $10. I had the bouncer walk it outside to me because that place was so yucky!”
“The other $90? Well, I had to tip several of the women to direct me how to get out of that disgusting place!”
Where are you guys located? In some places $100 is barely enough to get in and buy a few drinks. Even if he threw some dollars all the girls do is dance in front of him. Getting a lap dance is at least $80 by itself.
I’m a stripper and I can assure you the small percentage of guys that actually do not like strip clubs and were dragged there are NOT the same ones who use the club atm to pull out money 🤔🤔🤔
If he says he withdrew 100 and only spent ~10, ask to see the cash when he gets back. I’d say there’s a possibility he isn’t bullshitting you and he got pressured by everyone to go, which doesn’t mean it’s fine and you shouldn’t be upset about it, but to recognize it was probably something he wasn’t stoked about either. If he can account for what he spent that cash on or has all of it then I’d be more apt to believe him.
>He then stood outside for 20 minutes until his friends were ready to go.
That strikes me as unlikely.
I don’t like strip clubs either, but if all my old mates wanted to go then I wouldn’t make a fuss about it.
Sorry, but no part of this is acceptable. He could have just said no. He could have not pulled out $100 if all he wanted was a beer. Even if he did both of those things, he could have turned around and walked out before his wife found him and texted him. He made not just one bad choice, but a whole heap of them. You have every right to be upset by this. He can’t be trusted because of the choices he made. How do you know he didn’t get a lap dance? How do you know he didn’t throw the money at strippers? It’s cash. There is no record of the transactions. *That’s why he took out cash.*
He needs to do a lot of work to make up for this. You have to figure out what that work will be, and his job is to suck it up and do it. He needs to be 100% willing to rebuild trust with you again.