I’m (F26) from a blended family and this is about my ex-“sister”.
Background: My parents divorced and I spent the majority of my childhood with my single mom.
My father met my (ex)step-mom when I was 2 y/o. She already had a daughter, 2 years older than me, Susie. Susie and I grew up together every other weekend for 12 years.
My dad and (ex) step-mom had my brother (M19) and through him, Susie and I indirectly became sisters.
They had a nasty divorce approx 10 years ago and since then, Susie and I have not spoken. No bad blood, we just didn’t have anything in common besides our brother and memories, kinda.
Through the grapevine (brother) I heard Susie had a baby a month ago and that the father isn’t in the picture, or that it’s complicated.
I don’t know this for sure though and it’s not my business either.
However I do want to congratulate her and also offer my help or support.
I still care about her and her baby and I know motherhood and single motherhood especially can be tough.
At the same time I don’t know anything about her situation, only rumors. I also don’t want to risk overstepping or accidentally belittling her.
Maybe she tells me to f-off because we’re basically strangers but I still want her to know I’m here, should she want/need it.
How would you formulate a text message that communicates my offer to help as a pure intention, while not indirectly insulting her?
TLDR: My ex-“sister” just had a baby and I wanna offer help without overstepping
Looking forward to the replies!
15 comments
Why not just be honest?
Dear Susie, I know we haven’t spoken in a decade, but I heard from our brother that you’re a mum now and I wanted to offer my congratulations. I know new parenthood can be tough in those early days especially, so if you need anything, I will try and be there for you. I’d love to visit you and the baby if you feel up to it, but understand if you’re prefer to let sleeping dogs lie. Love, Happy_Signature6087
Then you can tell your brother you sent a message so he’s aware of it. She’s either going to ignore you or respond. You can take it from there. It honestly doesn’t need to be complicated. Perhaps she’d love to know someone supports her.
Hi! I heard through the family grapevine that you’ve got a little one and wanted to congratulate you and see what you would be able to use the most as a new parent. I can send you some pre-made meal boxes, pay for a Saturday sitter so you can sleep and let someone else care for your baby for a few hours, or just send a huge box of diapers. I know we haven’t kept in touch very much but I have a lot of fond memories of weekends with you and would love to reconnect a bit. What would you like or what do you need most?
And then send a gourmet chocolate bar or something really nice JUST FOR HER too.
Love the answers here! My daughter’s brothers sister gave us a bunch of baby clothes and diapers when she came home, her daughter is a few months older and it was much appreciated.
I’d definitely offer diapers or food delivery or something from her registry if she still has one. if you’re going to drop something off food is always nice to bring too.
“Hey Susie. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, but brother recently let me know you’re a new mom! I’m so happy for you and was overjoyed to hear the great news! If there’s anything, and I mean ANYTHING at all that I could do to love and support you and your new baby I would love to hear from you. I’m sure I’m not your biggest priority right now so if I don’t hear from you no hard feelings, I’m sure being a new mom is overwhelming enough without practical strangers reaching out, but I just wanted to reach out to let you know I still love and support you and wish nothing but the best for you!”
Is it possible to send her a text that you’re gonna call her, and then just call her and listen? There’s a lot of nuance that can’t be communicated via text.
Something along the lines of “hi sis! It’s been a while. I heard you’re a new mom and I’m so happy for you! Congrats on the little bundle of love. I’d love to see you and meet the little one whenever you feel up for company. Let me know if you need anything! I know sleep is scarce the first few months and I’ve heard that the best gift most new moms would love but don’t get often is an extra hand with the dishes or laundry, so don’t be afraid to ask :)”
Hey, this is OP. I miss you — and have always thought of you as a sister. I heard you had a baby and would love to see you and meet the new baby (and maybe be an auntie to them). Would it be possible to meet up? I’d be happy to have you over to my place for lunch, or if it’s easier for you, I’d be happy to bring lunch to you. Can we set up a time?
Send a text, say congrats, and offer to bring her a lasagna or some such. Don’t make it a bigger deal than that.
Congratulations on your baby! I just found out from brother. I’d like to send a gift; what do you need?
Depending on how she responds, you can take it from there.
I’d say… hey suzie just heard you had a baby. Congrats how’s you and baby doing. If you need anything or just want to catch up sometime feel free to message.
I personally wouldn’t mention in the message about offering her help or offering to buy or give her things. Not in the first message as she could take it the wrong way and believe you think she isn’t coping as a new mum.
It really doesn’t need to be anything complicated. Just see what she replies and go from there without mentioning any of the gossip you have heard let her tell you herself if she wants to. Offer and Build up a friendship and hopefully she wants the same.
If not then you know you tried and just it with her she may change her mind in the future.
Just reach out. Instead of a text, call her. Tell her you care about and lobe the baby and are willing to help. Leave it in her court.
I’d wouldn’t launch yourself right into inserting yourself in her personal problems or assuming she needs help.
I’d start with a basic congratulations on the baby and invite her to meet up where is most convenient for her right now. Catch up and reconnect. If things go well you can indicate you’ve missed her and would like to be more in contact.
If she’s receptive then you can start hanging out more and with time, offer your support baby wise.
But don’t just reconnect because you want to play with a baby or play savior. Only bring yourself into her life if you genuinely want a relationship with her first and foremost. Becoming a part of her support system would come naturally after that.
Offer to bring over a casserole (something she can pop in the oven from frozen) and this way if she needs it now cool, later cool. You are really sleep deprived in the beginning, people who dropped off food and left were great. Or someone to hold the baby for 20 min so you can get a shower
It’s hard to go wrong just speaking from the heart, you know?
Sit with it a bit. Maybe draft a text. Sit with *that*. Revise if it feels right to, and then just hit send.
Susie, it’s been a really long time. I think about you and want you to know I’m here if you’d like to reconnect. Or some variation that feels more ‘you’. Short and sweet, no need to say everything or say it perfectly, you know?
I love your heart, and trust it to give you the right words. And as a single mom? Just hearing from an old friend can make everything feel more doable. Don’t be afraid of messing it up. You got this.
Send her a text saying what you just said here. She tells you to f-off, that says all that needs to be said