I (F30) have been with my boyfriend (M44) for 8 years. We have a business together, a house, dogs and every other commitment together except marriage or a child.
I’ve been unhappy for a while as we don’t spend quality time together, our communication is little to non existent (feelings and deep things we generally talk to each other of course). We bought a house 3 years ago in a pretty remote area 6 hours away from where we work for a ‘holiday home’ or somewhere we could maybe build a life as we were both unhappy with our careers.
Hes been away for a month for work and I’ve been out of work due to strikes in my industry. I’ve come to a conclusion that I have been unhappy for a while within the relationship and everything we have added to our lives has just been me trying to make up for this.
There is rarely time for a deep conversation seen as we are currently long distance and I don’t want to start bringing this up while he is working as it seems unfair. He’s not the best at taking criticism or negative feelings hence the reason most of the time I have learned to bottle these emotions up and act like everything is fine and dandy.
At this point I want to move back to my home town to be with friends and family and actually have a life but I’m 99% sure he does not want the same and I’m worried that if I was to tell him this is will be out of the blue considering I’ve said nothing of the sort to him previously.
How do I explain to him that I feel unhappy where I am and in our relationship without it being totally unfair and out of the blue to him?
TLDR: how do I tell my boyfriend I’ve been with 8 years I’m unhappy with our life.
9 comments
This post is really well written and level headed. Can you take aspects of it and write him a letter/email to express how you’re feeling to your partner? I know I find it easier to communicate hard things in writing as can evaluate what you say before sending it and make sure you’ve said all you need to.
Being unfair is not being honest. Every one works, you have to allocate time for communicating about everything.
He works, you work. You need to say hey we really need to talk we are going to have to put time aside on Thursday.
You’re not a mind reader and neither is he.
We trust our partners to voice feelings/ worries. We trust them to put us first no matter what it is.
Every good relationship has difficult conversations and this will be one of them.
He has to know why you feel alone. He has to know you need more quality time. He has to know you need intimacy and touch. He has to know that you need and are craving in depth conversations.
The bigger you let this gap grow, the harder it will be to fill.
It’s very unclear from your post if you even like him.
Your conversation needs to be about clean break, how to split up the assets, and moving on. You run a business together but it seems “your” industry is on strike; he is out doing business and keeping money coming in for both of you and you are complaining. These things don’t add up – it seems he runs the business and does all the work.
Your proposal seems to be making things more complicated, demanding changes to suit you (where you get to uproot everything and move closer to people you can rely on but may leave him out in the cold as he still needs to go and do his work)
It doesn’t matter if it is out of the blue. He will deal with it. Agree the split and then you let him carry on his life, find someone else or live an unchaotic bachelor life.
The beauty of your post is you don’t feel there is any hate there. That’s key. There isn’t enough time in life for that.
22 and 36. Yep that’s all I need to know.
You just gotta tell him. What else are you gonna do? Be unhappy for another 8 years?
You need to try and reconnect. Maybe a little vacay.
Then proceed from there
How do you tell him he was a creepy 36 year old going after a 22 year old who didn’t know any better?
You don’t. If you aren’t happy and you’re realizing this isn’t working you pack your things and you call a divorce lawyer. You don’t need to tell him anything, it’s over.
There is no: marriage or a child. So you have a ” business together, a house, dogs”. Sometimes it remote (he is gone for a month). You want us to tell you how to end the “business together, a house, dogs”.
Well, you can get rid of the house and dogs (but you are prob emotionally attached to them”. Not enough info about if you end the business your source of income will crater. And you have a house together.
I guess this comes down to the calculus of selling him the 50% of the house or selling the house and the business and you moving back home.
No marriage and kids, so no heavy lawyer stuff involved. Really just figuring out how to off load the biz and house and move back home.
Not enough info, but if you give up or close your biz, what are you going to do for Income?
I moved states at 30 and now 39 when I visit my hometown, dread creeps in. It was a good move, but sometimes we just need a change of scenery and pf people. You’re not old. Don’t think you can’t change now and be happier.
You deserve to be happy. Him being unable to take any kind of criticism is a big problem because it makes you bottle up your feelings. How can you be happy if you feel you can’t verbalize what’s wrong? You need to really prioritize your happiness and mental health here. You feel isolated, alone, and unhappy, so if he doesn’t understand how moving back to your hometown could be beneficial to you, then maybe the relationship needs to be reconsidered. No one is designed to only depend on one person for their needs. Having a strong social life will ease a lot of these feelings for you, and who knows, maybe you’ll be happier in your relationship for it.