I’ve usually been a pushover, and that needs to change. But these days, whenever I try to stand up for myself, it seems to go horribly wrong.
An example: when I worked at Starbucks, a coworker that I usually got along with (not friends but no issues either) took issue with how I was setting out cups. His tone got really nasty and he snapped at me loudly on front of everyone, in a condescending way I didn’t appreciate.
A few minutes later when he was in the back doing dishes, I quietly and calmly said “hey, I really didn’t appreciate how you spoke to me a minute ago, please don’t talk to me like that.”
This man immediately SLAMMED down the blender he was holding so hard I flinched and started yelling at me about it. Okay, whatever, he’s an asshole.
But then the shift lead came back and accused us both of “screaming at each other” and kept commenting on it for *days* afterward, telling all of the rest of our coworkers that we were “screaming at each other” over and over again. He even called me out personally in front of others telling me to “control my temper.”
Similar things keep happening whenever I try to stand up for myself in different environments, so at this point, I’m wondering if it’s me. Every time I try to calmly yet firmly say “please step back” if someone’s coughing on me or “please let me finish my sentence,” the other person snaps at me and it becomes more trouble than it was worth.
What am I doing wrong? I was always told that standing up for yourself would be better, but all it’s doing is making everything worse, and it never goes well. When teachers in kindergarten tell you to practice saying no, they never warn you how to deal with it when it’s not well recieved.
5 comments
From how you described it, you’ve been standing up for yourself in a reasonable and mature way. Unfortunately other people don’t always react the same way. I think these are just bad situations, the good ones will start coming and it’ll all even out. Sometimes it’s better to just let things go as well, not at the cost of your dignity or anything but smaller things? Might not even be worth the trouble.
Standing up for oneself has never been a guarantee of a favourable outcome. Just look at a history book and see armies winning victory and getting crushed.
What people do however is amass power and high positions, so that they can retaliate by getting the bully fired, outcast, ridiculed, and even harmed.
Power and looking powerful is how you make standing up for yourself work.
Wear a nice suit and walk around, see how people treat you differently
The thing about standing up for yourself is that the other person will do the same. Most take it personal and deflect. You have to be ready to take that and respond accordingly
You don’t do anything wrong. It’s the other people who can’t take “no”. Especially if you always said “yes”, thus you caught them unexpectedly.
So be stoic and don’t let their anger inside of you.
I have 2 modes to Stand Up for myselfe:
If i Care about Future Interactions:
I felt hurt by how you talked to me, can you be more reapectful in the Future?
If i don’t:
You are a disrespecful Person, think about where this will Bring you in Life.
I Like you approach, sadly telling people what not to do makes them defensive