|(29F) have been dating my bf (29M) for about a year and a half. 5 months in to our relationship I found out that one of his friends that he was constantly texting and calling with, was someone that he met 5 days before we went on our first date and they had a sexual encounter. Let’s call her Barb. I felt extremely hurt and a little betrayed by this be he was getting to know another woman while dating me. And he was confusing in her vulnerable things before he did so with me. I expressed these concerns to him and he said he is an adult and can have female friends. And that is all she is to him. I talked extensively in therapy about why I felt so negatively about this and I have accepted that she is in his life and asked him to please tell me when they are hanging out together.
We’ve now been dating for about 18 months, he’s only seen her a few times since that conversation. I still feel uncomfortable about the whole thing but I just don’t vocalize it bc he is annoyed that it’s even an issue.
He tells me that he’s going to a movie with Barb, then to dinner, then to a party with her for her friends bday that he doesn’t know. I said that it felt like a date to me and that I am not comfortable with him going to this party, but the movie and dinner is fine.
He proceeds to get mad at me and says he can’t believe I am trying to control and manipulate him. I don’t feel like I am being controlling but somehow me feeling uncomfortable has turned into him telling me I’m being a paranoid, manipulative, controlling girlfriend and that telling him I am uncomfortable makes him want to go to the party even more. He says nothing I say or do will stop him from seeing her and that I’m controlling who he can be friends with and what to do.
He has several other female friends that I don’t feel uncomfortable about because I don’t feel disrespected by the origin of their friendships or the timing. i I’m confused on if my boundaries and uncomfortable are actually rooted in insecurities and something I need to work on or if I’m being gaslit into feeling this way. ):
Am I being out of line? Or am I dating someone that doesn’t respect me?
TLDR: 29 F wondering if she’s being controlling or gaslit by her 29M bf
3 comments
It’s true that he’s an adult who can choose who to be friends with. You are also an adult who can choose who to date. I’m not sure why you would choose to date someone who prioritizes maintaining a “friendship” with someone who he knew all of 5 months over ensuring that his partner felt respected and secure. (If it was a childhood friend or something my answer would be different… but c’mon. This is not someone he even really knew that well).
He’s made it clear what his priorities are – and rather than listening to your valid concerns and looking for compromises (cutting her off or going on double dates or having you meet her or coming up with boundaries you are both comfortable with, etc) – his instinct is to berate you. You know… because what he wants is more important than how you feel.
This is not a person I would choose to date.
I am not a jealous person. I have maintained a 20 year friendship with an ex BF throughout an 18 year relationship, and I have plenty of guy friends, but I would be bothered by this scenario.
Have you met her? Have you all hung out and done stuff together?
Him resorting to berating you as a reaction to you showing rational insecurities is a red flag. He subconsciously knows that he is prioritizing another woman over you, and is making himself feel less guilty by calling you controlling and manipulative. That isn’t helping his case or your trust in him.
Also, you are saying that they had sex prior to him meeting you? And he is still prioritizing her over you? He should not be hanging out with her at all, she is not his friend, they had sex.
I would rethink the relationship, it seems as if you are waiting to get cheated on.