Throwaway account for obvious reasons. My partner (33M) and I (28F) have been together for 3 years, married for 1. I’ll be honest, I’m not the worlds most attractive person, but I have a good personality and people like me. So here’s the problem, when my partner and I fight, he seems to immediately resort to making fun of my weight, looks, etc. (I am 5’5” 145 lbs)he acts like he’s doing me a service by being with me, and says that anyone who would ever want me would either just want me for sex or they’re straight up crazy.
After the arguments, he states he just says these things because he knows how insecure I am and that’s his weapon against me .
I have gotten to the point where I do genuinely feel unlovable / unwanted. I have always felt that , no matter how attractive or unattractive someone is, when you’re in love they’re beautiful to you. I have thought about leaving, but these thoughts about being ugly/fat keep me stagnant and afraid to leave. Is there hope for me?
EDIT: I wanted to add that, I inform my partner about the times where I get hit on at bars etc. and his responses either are “they probably only hit on you because they were drunk” (that’s the most popular response), or “they must be psycho”. As much as I don’t want to hear these responses, I feel like I should inform him of someone does hit on me .
TL;DR husband makes fun of my appearance when we argue, what should I do?
35 comments
That’s not what a loving partner says, even in the heat of an argument. He’s playing extremely dirty and that would be a deal breaker for me.
That’s a sad story It won’t get better and will lead to a lack of intimacy. Get counseling or get out and find a guy that loves you and would never hit your vulnerable spots. If you were my wife I for example never would.
He sounds like a manipulative pos.
I don’t think this is healthy for anybody
i’ve been married for 13 years. i don’t think we’ve ever said something just to hurt each other when we argue. we absolutely would never insult the other’s appearance.
he’s both hurting you on purpose and making you feel like no one else will value you. this is not something someone who loves you does.
This is verbal abuse. I would get out of this situation ASAP you deserve much better. You’re too beautiful for him.
It seems like he plays dirty because hes afraid of you leaving, so he tries to make you feel less than. Its not nice, you might have to tell him to stop with the low blows because its not respectful. Criticize the actions not the person
You are beautiful! F*ck that person who is making you feel not. The end.
Wow. Partners should build each other up, not tear them down. Your husband is not your partner and he does not love you.
I’m sorry, but he doesn’t sound like a keeper.
A spouse shouldn’t have a “weapon” against the other…ever!
The 2 of you should be able to disagree without hurting each other…fighting fair is really important.
He needs to commit to stop being abusive….and you need a zero tolerance to it. Also take a look at how you fight too… are you name calling or looking to fight instead of looking to resolve.
Both partners need to commit to fighting fair and have a “safe word” to use when the other crosses over.
If it is 1 sided with the insults abd crappy behaviour and he is not willing to actively change…then yes, divorce would be the only option.
Saying anything to hurt someone in an argument is about as low as you can go. Conflict and fights happen, sure. But deliberately saying hurtful things that target your insecurities is abusive.
He’s abusive and manipulative. You can do better, you deserve better and I think on some level you already know that.
>After the arguments, he states he just says these things because he knows how insecure I am and that’s his weapon against me .
Isn’t that acknowledging it is abuse?
It’s saying things with the specific goal of causing maximum distress while also undermining your confidence.
And your instinct may be that he says it because you aren’t attractive or whatever. But his acknowledgment that it isn’t based on that, as well as the reality men continue to hit on you, demonstrates that isn’t the case.
If anything it is clear his goal is to make you cynical of the men hitting on you. Negging and gaslighting so you don’t realise that actually men do find you attractive. After all… he is with you.
If hubby said that to me I would seriously NEVER fuck him again EVER.
You don’t feel attractive because he’s a pig. Divorce seems best but if nothing else please don’t degrade yourself by having sex with him in future you cannnot possibly want it from him surely?
you should absolutly not tolerate this, its gonna get worse everytime, you tell him to stop or you;re gone! by his deffinition he is a psycho and you should run away from psychos!
this is emotional abuse, and he does it intentionally to HURT YOU!
Oof, god, girl, be done with him! The first paragraph is all I need to know. Send him packing, like, yesterday.
Ok, picture yourself getting pregnant and having a little girl. As she grows up do you want HER to learn that this behavior from your husband is ok?
He is an abusive pig and doesn’t deserve anyone. Trying to hurt someone with their deepest insecurities is disgusting behavior. You need to leave him and find someone that values you.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
“I only stab you with the kitchen knife because I know it hurts you!”
-your husband.
Verbal abuse is still abuse. In the many arguments I had with my partner, I never yelled or name called. That’s just not how you resolve things.
Hurting your partner on purpose is soooo low. I had cats. Once I had to manhandle one to administer medicine. Afterwards I let her go and she beat the first other cat she encountered because I wrangled her. So your husband is as dumb as an animal.
Your hubby is an ass. He tears you down and belittles you and makes himself out to be some sort or saviour for being with you. That is disgusting.
A husband should be your rock, your favorite person. A person you can turn to when sad. Someone who builds you up and pushes you to be better and achieve your goals.
NTA. He’s saying this horrible stuff to you so you doubt your self worth. It’s a tactic abusers often use so their partners don’t leave. He wants you to feel worthless and unlovable. That way he can treat you terribly and you won’t leave because he is the only one who “loves” you.
OP. This is not love. He does not care about you. You sound like a wonderful person. You are worthy of love and respect. People who love their partners do not treat them this way. He is preying on your insecurities to make you stay and be his verbal punching bag.
Please leave this abusive relationship and get counseling to help you process and regain your self-confidence. Good luck OP!
🙁 people that love us want to protect us from people like him
After the arguments, he states he just says these things because he knows how insecure I am and that’s his weapon against me .
​
Why do you want to be with someone who is deliberately cruel and admits that he is trying to make you feel insecure?
This is incredibly abusive and I’m guessing your self image and self worth and how attractive you think you are is completely tied to the ways he is verbally abusing you and cutting you down in order to make you feel small and unlovable. You don’t deserve this. Please leave this horrible man.
First and foremost, you have to love yourself!
If all he can come up with during an argument is the low hanging fruit of an attack on physical characteristics, this say more about him than it does about you.
Again, love yourself enough to know that you want more than someone you will weaponize your insecurities. Start building yourself up and lose about 160 pounds by removing your husband out of the equation.
I’m rooting for you
As someone who used to think they were “objectively ugly” and unlovable, i can tell you that it’s a load of bullshit. As soon as i got rid of the toxic people in my life (including my toxic ex who used to make fun of my appearance too) i started gaining lots of confidence. With this newly found confidence, I began to dress the way I always wanted to and I went out more. Suddenly, I started getting hit on a lot, and i realised that I’m in no way ugly, i just wasn’t confident and I wasn’t dressing myself to my shape and style. You are not ugly, but his behaviour is. If you truly love someone you don’t play on their insecurities. He probably knows that you’re too good for him, and he is trying to destroy your self-esteem so that you don’t realise that and leave him (it’s a classic manipulation tactic that many abusers use). It’s time to prove him wrong and pack your bags.
I bet you are beautiful. He’s so insecure that he knows you can do better. And so his attack or weapon as he states it, is to destroy your self worth so you are too afraid to leave him.
Sometimes as women we forget that being alone is ten times better than being with an asshole who clearly doesn’t respect us or love us.
It’s plain old abuse and you deserve better.
You deserve better, you are worthy of love, you are beautiful inside and although I cannot see you, I bet you’re ten times more beautiful than he gives you credit for.
A husband who loves you, never attacks you verbally or physically. They don’t psychologically try to destroy you either. Can you see how toxic he is? He is so extremely toxic that you are now convinced you’re ugly and unloveable and that’s what he wants.
Arguing should be a discussion where both parties work to find a solution to the problem and disagreement. Finding a compromise that leaves both parties feeling heard and respected.
His form of arguing is to bash you and insult you and break you down. That’s not healthy and there is no love there.
It’s easier said than done. He is hitting below the belt. How do you feel about hitting back with one of his insecurities. 2 can play at that game. My husband said something to me when he was drunk. It hurt to core. Our relationship has never been the same. Try therapy. Usually, really insecure people use weapons like that
that’s not even negging anymore, that’s straight up verbal abuse. don’t waste your life with someone who only brings you down.
a real life partner would never use „weapons“
against you, he‘s not on your team.
you can and will do so much better than him and one day he‘ll just be a silly afterthought of when you let someone walk all over you until you found the courage to stand up for yourself
and you‘re absolutely NOT fat!! those are pretty normal numbers, please don’t give in to his dumb talk
I’ve been married 9 years.
There’s never been an instance where I thought “we’re arguing. Let me use an insecurity to target my wife and ridicule her.”
He straight up said he weaponizes your insecurities against you. He’s intentionally cruel, you’re not being oversensitive.
FILE FOR DIVORCE ASAPPPP.
He’s being abusive.
Don’t even hesitate hun, he’s trying to make you emotionally dependent on him. Get rid of him as soon as possible.
He’s already growing a worm in your brain. Erase the worm (insecurities). He’s the unlovable loser. Not you.
Skip couples therapy, he’s not worthy.
But divorce and go to individual therapy.
DON’T LET HIM TRAP YOU.
DON’T BE HIS DOORMAT.
YOU ARE WORTHY AND HE’S A HUGE ABUSIVE ASSHOLE.
Sweetheart that is not a man who loves you. Me and my husband argue and he would never dream of saying something like that to me. The fact that this man has admitted he is using your insecurities to hurt you is a huge red flag 🚩
You are being hit on how could you possibly not be attractive. Your husband sounds very manipulative and narcissistic. I understand you do live him but you need to leave this situation because he doesn’t love you.
Why are you still with that jerk?
This is highly abusive; sounds as if HE is the insecure one. This is a form of control and manipulation, making you feel as though he’s doing you a favor by being with you; making you feel less than. You’re beautiful just the way you are. I recently gained and lost 60 lbs after I was in a back brace; the result of an automobile accident. Once I lost the weight again I felt so empowered I left my bf, got a great job and love being by myself. A healthy relationship means that 2 people are stronger together as a unit rather than as separate entities. Your husband is tearing you apart a little bit at a time. You’re still young and still have time to cut your losses and bail. Much support for you. Please keep us updated.
Yes divorce him. He shouldn’t be using a “weapon” when arguing. That means he’s trying to hurt you. Even in arguments you shouldn’t want to hurt someone you love. You obviously aren’t ugly or anything because he married you. So don’t let that stop you. I’m sure when you are ready any guy would love to date you. Only weak men treat their woman that way. So divorce that weak guy so you can be happy
Yes, please file for divorce from this horrible, horrible man. You’ve been a victim of verbal and emotional abuse and for that I’m so sorry. Hugs. I know what it feels like, my ex used to treat me the same way but in different ways if that makes sense. He tried to convince me that I was unlovable and that no one else would want me. He even tried to convince me that I hate myself. I don’t.
Just the simple fact that he even admits that he knows that those are your insecurities and that that’s his weapon against you is a giant red flag. That should tell you that he doesn’t love you and perhaps even more important, he doesn’t respect you. I’m here to tell you from experience that this behavior usually escalates to physical violence. I would suggest taking steps to get out of the marriage but do it quietly.
Do not let him know that you’re leaving him. Just get your affairs in order and leave. I’m going to leave you with the National domestic violence hotline for the United States because what you are going through is domestic violence. I’m assuming you’re in the United States anyway. It doesn’t matter that he’s not hitting you, it’s abuse.
1 800 799 SAFE
His actions are disgusting and incompatible with a good marriage. He is disrespectful and unkind. He needs to go.