I think before the update I should clarify a few things to put you in context, I know I should have said it in my [original post](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/363F7tTmo0) but I didn’t, and that made many people believe so many things that are not true.
Before I got pregnant I met a man (I think he’s in his early fifties) at work and you could say that he’s a little *too* friendly, for example he liked to buy me and another female coworker (she’s in her late fifties) coffee every morning, or once in a while he used to leave a flower on our desks and things like that, that never seemed strange to me because he never tried anything with any of us, he was always just friendly, and he was always talking about his wife, children and grandchildren and giving us parenting advice. Well, my husband didn’t like that I was friends with this man because he said that he was sure that this man liked me because I’m young and that he would soon try something with me, and when he told me that I told him that I wouldn’t stop being friends with him because he was always respectful and I didn’t see anything wrong with being friends with a man. And I’m not gonna lie, he got really angry but after a few days he forgot about it.
But all those doubts resurfaced when our daughter was born, because she had a lot of platinum blonde hair, which none of our other children (5M, 4M) had, and my husband thought she would look like her brothers, but no, she looked completely different from him and me and that made him doubt, my coworker is not blonde but he has the same eye color as our daughter and he’s very pale just like her. So my husband asked me for a paternity test and I refused because it was humiliating and because I thought that at least he would educate himself about basic biology but he didn’t, and when I say this I mean that my great grandparents look exactly like my daughter, same color hair, eyes and skin, and he always knew that but decided to ignore it to believe that I was cheating on him.
And I know that I helped this situation escalate and end badly because I should have accepted the paternity test, and I say that because here it is not easy to do a paternity test without authorization from both parents.
And regarding his sister and mother, they never liked me and for a while we even stopped having contact with his family because I didn’t like the way they treated me, but when our second son was born I felt alone because it was just my husband, his friends, our son and I and I wanted my children to grow up with a family so we got back in touch with them and in fact they treated me very well until my daughter was born. And when they pulled my hair my husband wasn’t present and I didn’t tell him until a few weeks later, and by then they had a big fight because of that. I swear that he was never violent nor did he ever endorse anyone being violent with me.
Well, the update is that I gave him an ultimatum and told him that I want to go live in my home country and be close to my family and that if he didn’t want that then the only option would be getting divorced. When I told him that, I also told him that I’m talking to a lawyer to advise me on divorce and joint custody, and I guess that made him realize that I was being serious because he said he would be willing to do that to earn my forgiveness. Another thing I asked him is to cut off contact with his family forever because I don’t want our children to suffer what I suffered with them, and he agreed.
At the moment our plan is to travel for Christmas and stay there for a few weeks and move in the middle of next year. In the meantime we will go to couples and individual therapy and hope to be able to solve our problems. So far things are going well and I hope they continue that way.
EDIT: I don’t understand why there are so many people accusing me of being a terrible wife and not supporting my husband when he told me to stop talking to my coworker. I’ve supported him since we started dating, I moved to a different country as a teenager, I left behind my family, friends and everything I ever knew, all for him. I didn’t go to college until last year because he was doing his PhD and I had to stay home with the kids full time, which is why I could never have a single friend here, because since I arrived here my only duty was to be a mother and housewife, and that consumed all my time.
I got my first job when I was 23 and it was only because the kids were old enough to go to kindergarten, so don’t say I don’t support him because that’s the only thing I’ve been doing since we started dating.
This was the first time I had “friends” here, even though they were both over fifty, and it felt good because there were days where I felt so alone and talking to them at work made me feel good. But for him that was wrong and when my daughter was born I quit my job that I liked so much, just so that he would stop feeling insecure, so don’t jump to conclusions or say stupid things.
41 comments
Remember your story what an awful family he has. I’m with you get as far away from them as possible.
Sadly it was a perfect storm of circumstances that led to all of this happening. I think a few people had a feeling that there was something else going on here and this explains the backstory as to why he demanded the test. Whilst it doesn’t excuse his behaviour it does explain it.
Good luck to you OP and hope that it all goes well.
Whew girl, you definitely need to get the fuck away from that family but your hubby also sounds like he needs to grow a fucking backbone.
I hope he follows through with the move.
You are doing the right thing. I hope moving back home will help improve your life and the lives of your children. It sounds like it’s a smart move. Do it with or without him. If he chooses to stay, it means he’s choosing his toxic family over his wife and kids, and you don’t need that.
I am so glad hubby is choosing you and the kids. I hope therapy helps make your marriage stronger.
> Before I got pregnant I met a man (I think he’s in his early fifties) at work and you could say that he’s a little too friendly
By the sounds of this update, you were looking for validation and not advice, because this is *important* context. For shame.
> And when they were violent with me, my husband wasn’t present and I didn’t tell him until a few weeks later
**More** missing information, seriously seems like you’re trickle truthing Reddit rn.
> Well, the update is that I gave him an ultimatum
He asked for a simple and reasonable request given the circumstances, has been quite reasonable this whole time and now you spring this on him? This is going to go well.
> I was being serious because he said he would be willing to do that to earn my forgiveness
You have gaslit this poor man into thinking he is in the wrong.
> Another thing I asked him is to cut off contact with his family forever because I don’t want our children to suffer what I suffered with them
This is fair. His family sound awful, regardless of your gaslighting (although given how you have been with revealing the information with reddit, I wonder what you’re *not* telling us).
This is a really shaky relationship, and you’re certainly playing your part. You unilaterally decided that this coworker wasn’t a threat to your relationship. You unilaterally decided that a paternity test wouldn’t happen. You’re unilaterally deciding your Husband will immigrate or lose access to the children. It looks from the outside that small issues get steamrolled, and then because they’re not addressed, they turn into bigger, uglier problems.
I’m not here to give any opinion on the matter, but I just wanted to address the “he wouldn’t educate himself about basic biology”
Look I understand that it is possible, I believe you and I actually think it happent, but let me tell you, basic biology says it was extremely unlikely.
Applying basic biology and assuming the best case scenarios, the chances of your kid being born like that are atleast 1 in 64
​
I’ll explain the (approximated) math I did in the comment below for anyone interested, but I will say that while getting educated on basic biology will get rid of the idea that something like that was impossible, but it will lead to the conclusion that it was highly unlikely.
Cutting off his family forever is not going to work. This “love” will wear off and he will resent you and then hate you.
If your kid is under four there’s a strong chance their color will darken with age. My kids are born blonde/red with blue eyes but as they got older it turned brown and their eyes hazel. Runs in my family might run in yours.
Once again someone burying the lead. You’re husband went about it wrong but I really do think you’re downplaying the co-worker stuff.
You left out a massive part of the situation. Your husband’s doubt wasn’t some insane thought. You both absolutely suck and if I were him after your threat to take the kids to a other country I’d be in contact with the best lawyer I could find finances be damned to make sure you left alone
Although there are many problems here, this is one more reason to have automatic paternity and maternity testing done at birth. Make it just part of the birth process. So many what ifs answered…
Your relationship sounds like a nightmare. Everyone giving ultimatums. You all need help.
But how would his family have known about the friendly coworker? The husband must’ve been talking about private things with people who aren’t his wife. The rest of the family never should have known about the paternity issues.
What I don’t understand is why are all these guys suspecting paternity *asking* to get a paternity test?
Isn’t is super easy just to get one and do it yourself?
I feel like that would solve the issue around doubt while keeping the peace.
Sorry, but even if he was concerned it wasn’t genetically his child, it’s disgusting how cold he was to his daughter. he chose to stay despite making assumptions you cheated, then He took that out on a poor innocent baby, that is literally his. The fact that he wouldn’t even touch this infant for two months until proving it was his, despite him choosing to stay with you, is something that I would probably never forget for any amount of therapy or hypnosis.
> And I know that I helped this situation escalate and end badly
It’s at this point that I rolled my eyes and understood you were staying with this POS because he’s successfully convinced you you’re to blame for his abuse.
You did NOTHING to escalate your husband’s bullshit accusations of cheating and do you honestly think he’ll stop? Fuck no!
You had NO reason to stop talking to that dude at your job and you weren’t at fault for your husband being an asshole to you.
Let me repeat: you did NOT deserve his abuse, nor did your daughter.
I’m glad you’re going back home but don’t be surprised at the next incident of him being jealous and controlling over some random man you meet.
Is anyone else stunned as to how often these situations arise because people are ignorant to how genetics work?
My ex husband implied that our youngest wasn’t his. We never went for a paternity teat because he, I guess, did enough genetic research to realize her features made sense. I never recovered from the doubt though.
Good on you for putting your foot down. Let him know that if he shows any similar behavior in the new home that you’ll leave him. He doesn’t get to use moving for you as leverage for more bad behavior.
Let go of the idea that you should’ve done the paternity test from the beginning. Any man who says you should’ve is an insecure twit. Your husband’s insecurity over a co-worker and his inability to trust you is *his* problem, not yours. I’m glad you’re planning to move back to your home but don’t your husband get off lightly. He has a lot of work to do to make up for all of his hurtful bullshit.
You never know how kids will look. My kids are half asian. Many of our friends have half asian kids too. Some are nearly black haired , some are brown haired and the occasional almost blond has popped up amongst our friends.
My oldest looks like a cross between my paternal side and his father, my second looks like a cross between me and my husband’s female side of the family and the youngest look like a cross between both uncles on both sides of the family with a little of each of us thrown in. Genetics can do all sorts of things.
I wish you and your family all the best and a happy future.
Why did he have to ask? If a dad has concerns can’t he just send in a test on his own without being so disruptive?
I’m African, and my partner is Hispanic.
My daughter came out as pale as snow white with black curly hair and grey eyes. She’s still super pale, but her eyes kind of switch hazel/gray now
My son came out light but has darkened to a light caramel with an afro
Idk what to expect with my third
I’ve been thinking of you and how you must have felt knowing that your husband was missing out on the first few months of his daughter’s life because he was being such a butthead. The first time he saw her after receiving the results of the test must have been something else. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It was courageous of you to give him another chance to make this up to you. I hope you did the right thing staying with him despite the way he and his family treated you.
Ew, the age gap too 🤢🤮
Have you been with your husband ever since you were a teenager???? And now he’s treating you like that?????? Girl run
When I was born, I was very light skinned while both my parents were dark skinned (African Americans) and overtime my skin became darker overtime to where I have the same skin tone as my parents. My daughter is the same.
If I had to compare the skin tones, (my bad at this so I’ll make it easier)
I would be a chocolate Labrador, my husband would be like a German shepherd brown colored. My daughter came out like a golden retriever skin but turned to a light chocolate color now.
(Sorry bad at this lol)
Idk why but it’s genetics that alot of my relatives come out golden retriever before darkening to chocolate or black Labradors.
OP, I’m so proud of you! Stay strong ♥️
Also, ignore those who are critical of you, saying you’re a bad wife. Guarantee they are insecure misogynists who wouldn’t know how to even speak to a woman in person.
My son is fair with Hazel brown eyes I’m dark and so Is his dad. But his dad kept a questioning if he is the dad. I’ve never cheated so I’m done with him. Let the child grow into his features (dark hair ) ffs
You were 19 and he was 25 when you had his first child? How old were you when you got together?
It isn’t so much the requesting a DNA test – it’s the way he mistreated, shunned and didn’t support your or the baby, and shared his doubts and allowed extended family to do the same – that’s the bigger issue.
No one mentioning how the husband was worried the coworker would try something with OP when she’s young and he would “try something on her” and meanwhile husband was 25 trying to be with an 18 year old ….
Good for you.
His “reasoning” for thinking you cheated was BS. Men need to realize that accusing you long-term SO of cheating and requiring a paternity test simply because they had the nerve to get pregnant is a relationship killer. I hope everything works out the way you want.
Also, you are allowed to have male friends just like your husband should be allowed to have female friends. On top of that, if he had even one female friend, he’s a hypocrite.
Isn’t this the situation where the sister in law physically assaulted her over this and the husband stood by and watched?
I’m sorry your update has been brigaded by a bunch of idiotic assholes, OP.
I hope moving back to your own country and counseling helps.
Personally I don’t think I could ever forgive a man for neglecting an infant, my infant, no matter what he thought the parentage was.
People saying you should’ve listened to your husband at first to avoid your coworker don’t know the consequence in creating an awkward environment at work. It’s unnecessary to create that kind of drama because of jealousy. The man was friendly to all not just you. He’s crazy cause the scenario reminded him of how he persuaded you at a young age. No hate to you but to your husband
Don’t like how young you were when you got with him and he is more controlling than you are coming to terms with
I’m mixed with tan skin and thick black curly hair, my son came out white with straight brown hair. Children can come out looking like anything