Tldr: Wife does not accept my stepson as i hoped she would. Considering divorce after she refused to let me wire both my kids money for a savings account.
Hi everyone, for those who remember yesterday’s post, here’s an update.
But first, let me clarify some things, as i had a lot of DMs and replies.
– It was stupid of me to think about divorce. I’m not an impulsive type of person, even though i did get that image of me across, but our argument made me have those thoughts and i was clouded by that. We should find ways to sort things out and not jump ship at the first obstacle.
– I divorced my 1st wife because she cheated on me. We only keep in contact because of my eldest. Neither her or my 15 yr old get money from me because it was ruled by the court that we would split the time with our son in equal ways. Meaning she is not entitled to any allowance from me.
– My ex-wife has always been careless about personal finances. She will never in a million years put money aside for our son. Even if she wanted, she doesnt earn enough.
– Where we live, my salary alone puts me in the top 1% of the highest earners.
– 100€ (200€ total) is not a big deal for us. We can afford it. We put aside 2.3k and we’re considering increasing our monthly savings amount.
– It was unreasonable from me to expect her to be more affectionate with my eldest. I guess i just had that hope, as that is something i would try and do if i were in her shoes and i married someone with a kid from a previous relationship. But of course, that’s just me.
– Me and my wife have a joint account. We don’t have other bank accounts.
So here’s the update. We’ve talked this morning. I heard her out. Each one made their case and we left it at keeping everything the way it is.
I’m far from happy about this. I’m not sure how i will deal with financial decisions concerning my eldest, in the future, but for now we’re keeping things the way they are.
We haven’t talked much since. I honestly dont even feel like talking to her soon. There’s a lot to process in my head, and i hardly have some alone time to even think.
I know i love her and i know she loves me. In the end i just hope we can overcome this. We have actually always agreed and took financial decisions together. This is something we always said we were good at. Apparently that may not be the case.
Her POV is inline with some of the comments in yesterday’s post:
Eldest son has 3 parents, our son has 2, so he should even be entitled to a bigger contribution to his savings account.
She also stated that, legally, if me and her died, the youngest son would be entitled to 75% of the house. In her thought process, this corroborates why we should be saving more for our son, instead of saving the same, or even more, as i think it is fair, for my eldest.
Another argument she used is that, if my ex-wife died, my eldest son would be entitled to her house/savings, whereas our son will never be entitled to such an inheritance.
My POV:
To me, my ex-wife is as good as dead. She’s trash. She never thought about our son or our family when she was out cheating. When my eldest son turms 18,, i know i’ll be the only one that has saved some money for him to whatever help he may need to kickstart his adult life.
I look at our family as a family of 4 where both my kids get even treatment. And the fair thing to do, in my opinion, is to have the same amount of money saved up for both of them.
I’m afraid that when the time comes, she may say “we should only contribute to 50% of X, as his mother should contribute with the remaining 50%”. I understand she may be entitled to say such things, but again, she knows his mom can’t/won’t ever be able to contribute with the same amount.
For those of you saying i should make decisions over my salary, i get where you’re coming from.
As you may recall from my OG post, when we decided to buy a house together, my wife blindly invested twice the money i had to invest, while still keeping the ownership of the house 50/50. We had about the same salary back them. This was a huge gamble for someone she had never lived with, with a son from a previous relationship. I admire her a lot for that.
Ever since we have a joint account. Last year was when i switched jobs. I now earn 3/4 of our combined income. Making the decision of of transferring money to my eldest, without her agreement, is as good as saying “It’s my money, i can do what i want with it”. And honestly, that’s not inline with the leap of faith she took with our house. It wouldn’t be fair/nice for me to do such a thing.
I’m just sad for all this. She will never understand my POV and i’m concerned about the financial decisions we will have to make regarding my eldest.
There is a lot that could be added to this story, but this is what i want to share with you today.
For those of you who replied in a respectful way yesterday, thank you.
For everyone else, stop projecting or jumping to conclusions. Jesus.
Thank you.
36 comments
Thanks for the update. Sorry you couldn’t work things out.
I feel for your eldest. He will feel the vibe she gives off towards him.
Save for his therapy. And get your will water tight.
Wonder if talking to a lawyer who deals in trust or anyone in the area of what you both want and find a middle ground.
Maybe you can each have your own separate savings accounts for “fun” or “personal” expenses. You can put 10% of your salaries there to start. So you can take the money for your son from there, and she can take anything she needs from there (either for the 5 year old, her parents or family members, or herself.)
If your ex-wife weren’t so bad with money, you wouldn’t feel this need to support your son or save for him. But that’s just unfair to your current wife. You made a bad decision when you married you ex, I guess, and she is only being dragged into this because the ex is irresponsible. You should have thought about all of this before you got married or decided to have a joint account with ALL of your money. You even say that in the future you might have to support him with college or whatever, which is true, but this was always the case and you didn’t think about it before?
Like I said, I would have a % of your salaries into individual accounts for your own discretion. Then you use that to pay everything regarding your eldest son.
That is rough. When you say things stayed the same do you mean no money is going towards either kid? Because that’s not a compromise, that’s her getting her way. I respect your feelings about wife’s decision making with the house, shows a lot of maturity and avoidance of Patriarchal thinking, nice! One option is for you to reduce certain expenditures of yours with the agreement that that money will go to a fund for your oldest. Likewise you could take on a part time job or side gig and that money goes to your oldest.
OP, I don’t have any solid advice for you but you sound like a very tender person who is respectful of your children and your wife. I wish the best for you and your family.
I’m sorry! But this issue won’t go away, it will cause resentment.
I saw those comments yesterday and I couldn’t believe them. I think how you feel is understandeable. Given all the facts you stated, your wife not wanting to treat the two children as equals defintiley qualifies for a divorce. You are your eldest child’s only advocate here. I don’t get why people were being so harsh with you last post. I felt you made perfect sense!
Children always come first.
DUDE? you cant just ignore this shit what i worng with you? so your both just going to burry your head in the ground as this ticking bomb keeps ticking? JESUS JUST END IT
I remember this. How about you create a ‘fun account’ for you, create one fun account for your wife too. Use the money in your fun account (Esp. if you think $100 is nothing for you to save up for your eldest child) for your eldest child? That’s just one idea in my head.
While your wife has a point that your eldest will be entitled to his mother’s inheritance (she may not have savings for her son, but who knows she may have decent life insurance for her son, and this will exclude your younger one so yeah, I can see why your wife thinks the way she thinks), but your saving for the eldest is not going to be an inheritance…this is for him to jumpstart his adult life.
Does your wife approve if your eldest son is going to college, that you guys will pay for the tuition and help him settled after graduation from university? Or your wife just assumes that you will be ‘hands off’ the moment he turns 18?
What is wrong with people? Like, dude, he is your son and he probably will need some financial support. She is getting mad about it? F*ck her, that is not how things work!
And if your son knows about it, he probably will hate you and your wife.
Your wife’s son has both parents all the time. Not every advantage is monetary. I feel like they should be considered equally.
Your eldest *doesnt* have three parents. He has two. And only one that has his best interest in mind.
So you cannot make ANY financial decisions about your own salaries ?? That’s insane.
Your update is actually really sad. Your son should come first and i don’t understand why you married a woman who did accept him in your life? You do get to make decisions for him. And why shouldn’t you expect her to have some emotional connection to him after years together?
Again, you need to do what’s best for your son. You also need to think about a will. Do not allow this horrific woman to dictate your relationship with your son. Seriously man up. It’s actually embarrassing and I’m a woman. Don’t be shocked that he understands this unequal treatment and opts out of you all as an adult.
Such a disappointment update.
I recommend revisiting this conversation in a few months. I don’t think the current situation is quite fair to your oldest. I would say, very broadly, that your oldest is entitled to half your “investment in your kids” and so is your youngest; and your youngest is entitled to all your wife’s “investment in kids”. So I agree with your wife in that. However, your oldest is a lot older and will need help with establishing an independent life sooner, so you should start saving for that soon. And then for your youngest once he is “launched” (maybe a few years after college – since you are a 1% earner, you’ll help him with college expenses, wedding, house downpayment, maybe a few other things like first car. Same with your younger child, but there is a lot more time for him, and he will have his mothers help also. Don’t abandon any financial help for your older son. That would not be fair.
Her POV about your eldest having 3 parents while your younger son only having 2 parents and therefore should get more is downright ridiculous. She already has determined your younger son will be entitled to 75% of the house and so her solution is to definitely give/save more for the kid that is already getting more (your younger son). This is such BS. It sounds like you’d wife has every intention of giving your older son as little as possible and nothing if you were gone. I suggest you start saving for both boys regardless of her feelings because she sucks.
You came with the child. Your child should be treated equally.
Divorce, divorce, divorce. Your wife’s (and other commenters’) rationale that you shouldn’t contribute to a savings account for both of your children (with some extra money to your older son’s account because you started late) is absolutely asinine.
Older son has TWO parents not three because his stepmother couldn’t be bothered to actually be a mother figure in his life. So older son and younger son are in the exact same position. They each have two parents who are doing nothing to set them up financially in the future.
I can’t believe a parent would voluntarily and intentionally forego setting aside a small sum of money on a monthly basis for their children. Your wife has a cold heart and is financially irresponsible.
What a sad situation for both children. I don’t know that you should maintain the status quo. If insisting on setting up a savings account and contributing to both accounts is the hill your wife wants to die on, then let her. Your children deserve much better than hoping their parents will be financially solvent to help them if a need arises in the future.
Re-open this discussion OP and take it to a marriage counselor and financial planner. Absolutely ludicrous conclusion to not save for both children….
I feel like she’s projecting her resentment of your past relationship on your son. its not fair to him, as he is a child. I saw your original post too, and my only thought was: wow, clear heartless favoritism.
I appreciate your values towards shared money, but ultimately you have to realize shes wrong. Both of your children are equally entitled to your care, and if she loves you she should make the efforts to love your son as an extension of you and also as a step mother figure, he is HER family too. I dont think you are wrong for expecting this of a life partner.
I think making a savings for them is a GREAT idea because you can afford it and it will benefit them both greatly. Her pretending your ex can suddenly make money appear out of thin air is a distraction argument. You need to prioritize both children- its your salary. make them those savings accounts. if she thinks for some reason one of your children is more entitled to money than the other (spoiler: hes not) that her own delusion. and good news! you only have a few years to save up for your teen, but you have plenty more time to save for the young one. So he will end up with more anyways.
I completely understand why you’re upset. I would expect more of my partner too. it would be “open your heart to my child or its divorce” for me too.
I look at a lot of parents who are planning how to help their kids or how to split up their assets when they die and this idea of “equal” is really foolish to me.
You know that your eldest wouldn’t get equal, he would get half because his mom would never contribute.
Consider instead, equitable. What would be an equitable balance? Funding college? Investing in a startup?
Hypothetically, my parents are choosing to split their assets equally when they die between my brother and I.
At this point, they have paid me about 90k to assist in my schooling and my brother is getting the 300k house.
They have a second house that could go for 850 to 1m if they just maintained it. Might need some repairs when they are ready to sell.
My parents keep saying that they will split everything equally but then keep saying that my husband and I will get the second property as if that was equal.
There is no way I could buy my brother out of even the half of the 750k when the house would be a vacation home at best (not many jobs on the big island of Hawaii).
So splitting everything equally, my brother will get a house, and probably 400k, I would get maybe 600k but because of the cost of living, that would basically cover a house where I live.
That is what equal looks like. My brother will have far more than I would in value.
I’m not judging my parents for their decision and I frankly haven’t said much about it because it is their retirement and I want them to have it in case they need it.
But consider what value your children are getting.
One is getting two parents full time. One is getting 50% of a father and 50% of a mother. It doesn’t sound like your wife is a second mom.
What is equitable? What will get value?
If my parents decided that we would both get a house in the area we live in, and my brother could get an education worth 90k, then the rest was split down the middle, there would be a lot less cash left over, but it would be equitable.
Each adult kid would have a home, an education, and a nest egg.
But because they want everything to be equal, I know that I’m likely going to get significantly less in value than my brother will get.
Wow. Your wife is nuts. What a cruel way of thinking for a child, your child no less.
Regarding your wife’s ‘blind leap of faith’ you said you already paid her back DOUBLE what she paid and it’s an account ONLY SHE has access to. So yes, it is mostly your money, do what you want.
Your son DESERVES to have money set aside for him if you can do that.
If your wife refuses then tell her your youngest son will be treated EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE OLDEST. No money for the oldest, no money for the youngest. If you can’t help your oldest with college money or any other financial support then you can’t help your youngest.
Tell her it’s both or none. Simple as that. Also I think you’d be a bad dad if you didn’t advocate for your son. You earn 3/4 the money of the house. Make it fair again and only MATCH what your wife puts towards the house and savings and whatever YOU have left over going directly into your sons savings account for when he’s an adult.
Don’t screw your son over because he has a shit mom and now a greedy/unfair stepmom.
OP if she “won’t let you” put 100$ in an account for your oldest what happens with college? Help with rent? A car? Those things are much more expensive than $100 a month. I would not allow this level of inequality for my two sons. No way. You have huge problems right around the corner. Much bigger problems than $100 a month bank account. She ain’t going to let you help your oldest and everyone here but you knows it
Let this rest a little but I would not be okay to give one of my children less than the other, especially if money isn’t tight, her favorism is harmful and I bet your older son notices.
I wouldn’t divorce her straight away but if she is unable to compromise in a fair way I’d reconsider.
So she is against you putting any money aside for her step son?
Are you going to pay for university for him?
I would be extremely concerned about your sons treatment by your wife.
In any case, you should definitely be setting up a separate trust for him.
This is absolutely ridiculous. There is no harm in setting up savings for your children. The amount you want to save for your children doesn’t even put a dent in your savings or extra spending.
This isn’t the end of that conversation.
This should not be the end.
It’s irrational.
You OP are going to have to protect your eldest son. Crazy but it’s true.
Time for some lawyers. Trust funds. Then family law.
Have you considered putting a percentage of each salary into a joint account and each of your personal percentage in an individual account? Each person spends from their account as they see fit. This approach helped my marriage immensely early on. Your joint kid’s account can be funded by the joint account where you are free to give as much to your kid with your individual account.
I know your wife doesn’t love your oldest son, but does she even like him? Like, a little? I’m worried how she treats him when you’re not around. You should ask him. I guarantee he knows your wife doesn’t like him.
I really think it’s worth establishing trusts for your kids, where each kid gets an equal investment of $ for college/their futures.
The way she prioritizes her biological son over the step son absolutely would cause the eldest to be disadvantaged if something were to happen to you. The sooner you get things sorted out legally to ensure they’re both equally provided for, the better.
However, I have to say that a step kid being deprived of affection from a step parent absolutely will have a negative impact on them – it will harm them emotionally and potentially in future relationships. This negative impact magnifies dramatically if the step parent’s bio kid does receive noticeably more affection and resources. Honestly, when this is the case, and you choose to remain married to a step parent who noticeably advocates for them to be deprived and is okay with withholding affection, it could even hurt your long term relationship with your kid.
Therefore, while you’re extremely considerate of your wife, it‘s not unreasonable at all to consider divorce over this.
Oh OP, I really wish you had separate finances. It’s only a small amount of money (compared to how much you earn and save) for you to put away for each son so I don’t get why your wife has kicked up such a fuss. I’m a woman and I completely disagree with your wife. There is so much I could say but I’m just going to say that I truly think you are a kind man and want the best for everyone. I’m sorry that the woman you married someone a bit selfish and not as kind as you. When it comes to your oldest son, please, please do what you want to do. Good luck OP.
Why is your wife soooo against your older child? It’s unreasonable, especially considering the small amount it is to you. It would be really horrible for him to end up with nothing. I think you need to do this anyway and set a precedent for future disagreements regarding him. Right now, she gets the last say. Maybe say to her that if you and she split up you’ll do the same for your younger son.
I really would try to find out what a she has against him.
While her arguments may technically be correct regarding the oldest son having 3 parents and may receive such and such if a parent dies… This is very calculative and unnecessary. It’s like counting penny to penny. If you really treat both sons equally, you wouldn’t need to do such things.
While she may be a good parent and wife, she lacks compassion (not even love) for your oldest. It’s like she’s only capable of loving her own flesh. Which is sad. I best you find the best way to compromise though.
She says your youngest only has two parents to contribute whereas your eldest has three but that’s irrelevant when you’re the only one contributing. Why not set up accounts and transfer the equal from you as the father. Then if she wants to add extra as her contribution, then she can do that out of her own pay.
Still means your eldest gets a raw deal because she’s made it clear she won’t help them but at least her favouritism isn’t restricting you from treating both your kids the same.
You, personally, have an equal responsibility to both.
If yours and current wife’s son will get 75 percent of your current home that loses her argument. As he will already be more taken care of than your eldest. I think your eldest needs more, well because he is the oldest and there is less time to save anything for him. Why did you agree to the current terms to then give yourself 24 hours to decide divorce or not, rather than step up and tell her that this was a deal breaker for you period, end of discussion and that you would be putting the exact same amount away for each child and that she could either get on board happily or file for divorce?