So me and my ex dated for about a year and a half now, and things were pretty easy going up until now, but I really need a little bit of help to see if I’m being unreasonable.
My ex-gf and I got into a mild argument- basically surrounding our Halloween plans- she wanted to go out I did not- and told her that she’s more than welcomed to go out, but going out into that many people would only stress me out, (I have agoraphobia,) so I’ll be watching horror movies on the couch that night.
She got pissed at me for not letting her have “input” into what I do for halloween- which I would understand if we were spending it together, but we don’t have to anyway so what’s the issue.
Well, after that she keeps trying to get me to Agree to go out, but I refuse- because I would be entirely miserable the entire time. Finally she screams at me that I’m on the couch tonight and slams my bedroom door behind her- wouldn’t let me into my own bedroom all night.
My girlfriend does not live here. She spends the night- but she has her own space. I would consider doing what she did not just out of the question but deeply disrespectful and toxic- so in the morning I sat her down and explained that while the Halloween issue was blown out of hand, I was going to be ending the relationship because I did not feel respected anymore.
She was nearly hysterical, asking if I was serious at that it isn’t a big deal and all kinds of other stuff I expected, what I wasn’t expecting was my other friends agreeing, and saying that a girl dumping you on the couch is just part of having a girlfriend, so I’m just overreacting. My family is on my side, my dad even laughed when I told him the story, but basically other than my dad, my brothers and my step mom, everyone thinks it was too much. So I guess im asking for help recognizing if I did? I do know that I tend to get a little harsh when it comes to things I view as disrespectful, so I’m open to hearing opinions.
TLDR: felt as though I was being punished by my gf for a perceived slight and ended the relationship due to no longer feeling respected. Concerned I have overreacted- something I have done before.
45 comments
“saying that a girl dumping you on the couch is just part of having a girlfriend”No it isn’t.
IMO you did the right thing – I wouldn’t put up with that kind of nonsense either.
You did the right thing. Having gf and having self-respect is not contradictory. I truly pity your friends, well at least the male ones.
No, being abused is not a normal part of having a girlfriend.
Your ex saw your agrophobia as an excuse, not a mental health issue.
To make it worse, she said she should have input in what you do, but it didn’t sound like you had input on what she did. You bent over backwards, so her night wasn’t ruined. She then made you sleep on the couch.
She became hysterical when you broke up with her because you took the control away from her.
You did the right thing.
There are all symptoms of a bigger issue. Which is you’re not compatible.
You did the right thing because you’re not compatible and the way she treated you was out of line. I will say though have you denied going out before? How often? Maybe your gf was really excited about a night out with you and wanted you there. If you are consistently denying going out because your fear I can understand her becoming extremely frustrated. This seems like an exact scene from the movie The Break-Up. Again not saying she was right to treat you this way and maybe I’m making a lot of assumptions but in the future when looking for a partner you will probably want to make it clear from the beginning you don’t like to go out and that you’re looking for someone with a similar lifestyle.
Hell no you are not overreacting, first she thinks she has the right to decide what you do on halloween, then screams at you and then locks you out of your bedroom that is decidedly NOT her bedroom
Nope not an overreaction at all, its a perfectly reasonable response
I dont think forcing one partner on the couch in a marriage is even acceptable, the one that doesnt want to share a bed is the one that sleeps elsewhere, but this is NOT EVEN HER HOUSE , she has zero decision power in your house
Ok please get therapy for agoraphobia. It is not unreasonable for your partner to want to go out with you and you to make a few compromises for activities you both would like to do, outside.
However,
I can fully appreciate where you are coming from on the breakup front. You can have arguments, you can even get annoyed, but i dont understand the sleep on the couch mentality, its controlling and manipulative, especially when its not her home? WTF. why didnt she go back to her house? It was disrespectful to you. She was upset so decided to control the narrative and punish you for not following her line of thought and everything is your fault. You took away the relationship which is your decision when you have these incompatibilities to relationship goals.
Best practice, always try to solve problems before bed. You dont want to wake up and continue the same shit, different day approach. Future thought for you.
If your ex was unsatified with your answer regarding the Halloween plans, she should have left in a huff or something. Not force you out of your own bedroom. It’s absurd.
You haven’t overreacted. She doesn’t respect your boundaries:
1. You are agoraphobic and don’t want to go out. Why can’t she accept this, especially given you’re not stopping her having fun?
2. She locked you out of your OWN ROOM? WTF is with this entitlement?
This is not part and parcel of having a girlfriend, unless your girlfriend is a psycho were-beast.
She tried to make you sleep on the couch in your house because she didn’t like your answer to going out on Halloween? Nah you saw a red flag and left. That isn’t a way to handle conflict not to mention you told her it would make you uncomfortable and anxious to go out. Her actions seem manipulative and like she was punishing you for not giving her what she wants. Booo to her.
Yeah, it’s not even her place and she’s locking you out of your own room. That’s just a preview of what to expect if you actually marry her.
How is this going to play out if she has a fit and locks you out before work and you have to get something out of there? You bust in and she falsely accuses you of assault??
You not wanting to go out when you know you’re not great with crowds is fine. What was her end game with that? Force you into going out and see you have a horrible time?
Nope. You didn’t over react. Your girlfriend was controlling, emotionally abusive and disrespectful.
Enjoy your horror movies on the couch. Sounds like a great night in, to be fair!
You don’t owe anyone an excuse or a reason to break up. Their input doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t even be soliciting it. You don’t even owe your girlfriend an explanation if you so choose.
You choose to be happy on your own terms. You made a decision and are fine with the consequences. There’s nothing left to be said.
She doesn’t live with you, why didn’t she just go home if she needed space. It would make more sense had you been living together. The way it happened is very weird, I do understand sometimes people argue and need space but to just go into yormur room and lock you out seems very unstable. You aren’t wrong for ending it if you don’t feel the level of respect is there.
I’m 28f. I’ve never kicked someone out to sleep on the couch. I don’t know any other women personally who have done that. It’s just toxic. Especially if she doesn’t own the bed. I thought that only happened in movies.
You had a disagreement. Instead of working through it and compromising it devolved into an argument.
This in and of itself is concerning and a sign that your relationship probably isn’t a great long term match.
Her reaction to the argument was over the top and yes disrespectful. Leaving and going to her own home while extreme would have been within the realm of reason. Locking you out of your space because she didn’t get her way if a pretty big red flag.
If you accepted this behavior it would only reinforce it.
I think you did the right thing. The two of you are not compatible. You didn’t break up because of the incident you broke up because it made you realize your incompatibilities.
It’s one thing if she decided she wanted space and slept on the couch, in a guest room, or went home. Her reaction would still be ridiculous but it wouldn’t be disrespectful. But keeping you out of *your* room in *your* home? That’s not normal. I’ve never done that to my spouse.
These people telling you that you’re overreacting and to just accept it are irrelevant. They’re not in the relationship and they don’t have to deal with her. And now, neither do you.
No one has a right to kick you out of your bed, you are not overreacting
Good for you OP. You don’t deserve to be disrespected by anyone especially not in your own home. You made the right choice.
I’d dump her too… wtf is this childish behavior? Imagine what she’d do eventually if she thinks this is acceptable now?
You did the correct thing. She’s a walking red flag with anger issues.
If you’re someone who likes going out and being amongst people and lively crowds etc., dating someone with agoraphobia isn’t a great idea to begin with. You may have had a compatibility issue, which is not your fault or hers. I had a boyfriend who had agoraphobia (well, it was likely, nothing formally diagnosed) and when I found myself getting disappointed more and more, we parted ways amicably. Note that I *never* insisted he do things he wasn’t comfortable with, I’d ask once and respect the answer.
Locking you out of your own bedroom is immature and overstepping. NTA.
I think what you did is fine.
If you don’t want a gf who makes you sleep on the couch or locks you out of your own room in your own home that she doesn’t actually live in, then that’s your boundary.
You’re a better person than I am. I’d have kicked the door in, and told her to take her shit and get out right then, that night, that moment. Yeah, I’d have had to pay for the door, but it would have made even more of an impression.
Plus, sorry, you shouldn’t be expected to sleep on the couch in your own apartment if someone who doesn’t live there locks you out of your own damn bedroom.
Boundaries man. Develop them when you are young and use them forever. This is what adults do. Keep it up. Don’t back down. If it feels unjust to you , it is unjust. Stick with your boundaries and dont let people encourch on your personal ground
Your response was not too much if you don’t want that kind of over-reactive drama in a relationship. Plus, telling someone where they can and cannot sleep in their own home is ridiculous.
So as a man you refused to be outright disrespected in YOUR home by someone who doesn’t live there and you are the bad guy? No. Good for you for
Sticking up for yourself. I’m 49 in 3 weeks and have never put someone on the couch. She was out of line and frankly. You don’t have to take it.
In your own home she doesn’t even live in? Good riddance. I think you made the right choice. She’s a drama queen.
No, sorry, it’s not cool to “dump you on the couch” at YOUR house that she does not live at. If she wanted to not be around you, she should have gone home.
Anyone who is angry and pushing you to “go out” into a situation where you will be entirely uncomfortable is also not someone I’d want to be with. Whether or not she’s a bad person for that, I don’t know (I’m leaning towards yes, but it doesn’t really matter), but either way, you guys are not compatible and she deserves to get broken up with and have to think about what she did wrong.
Absolutely not. I’ve been married almost 30 years. We dated for 5. At no point was I ever told to go sleep in the couch, especially in my own house.
You did the right thing. Kick that chick to the curb, and let her go find another sucker. And take those bum friends with her
Locked out of your own bedroom by someone who doesn’t live there?
Oh hell to the no!!
Unacceptable. If dumping her fixes this, dumping her is an option on the table.
OP, the thing that bothers me the most is wondering how do **you** feel about the relationship? If you don’t want to be with her anymore, it doesn’t matter what **any**body else thinks!! It’s not healthy to stay in a relationship anymore just because some people took her side in the fight that caused you to end it!
Are **you** having second thoughts about breaking up with her?
I think the worst thing is that she **pressured and harassed** you because of your **disability!!** That is truly disrespectful!
There is some cliche about scorned women forcing their partners to sleep on the couch….generally married couples, where it is actually her house too….and I think that is where your family is coming from. That’s why some “laughed it off”. *”Man sleeping on the couch because woman said so”* is constantly referenced in pop culture.
I really don’t like how she seemed very insensitive and even *spiteful* toward your agoraphobia.
For someone with that phobia, I would imagine you have safe spaces and your home and possibly your bedroom is your sanctuary, is that correct? And she forced that away from you. She is the one with control issues it seems and that sounds like a headache to deal with the rest of your life.
What is *your* gut telling you about how she treats you?
> saying that a girl dumping you on the couch is just part of having a girlfriend
No it’s not unless your friends do not consider themselves equals in their own relationships. Fair play to you for actually respecting yourself and not ignoring the warning signs.
She slammed the door on YOUR bedroom and kicked you to the couch? Bruh….the only door she should be seeing is the door out of your place and you should be the one closing it.
OP the reason why you acted correctly and expect behavior that isn’t toxic is the same reason your family agrees with you, you guys are able to have healthy relationships. Your friends are wrong.
There are a few issues here:
1. Your reasons for not going out on Halloween are entirely valid, self aware, and well thought out. She had no respect for you and acted as if you were forcing your needs on her. You were not. This is a huge red flag that she lacks empathy. You said you would me miserable and she got angry that you still wouldn’t do it. Maybe if it were a wedding or graduation for a loved one I could see her pushing a little or being hurt but that’s not where we are at.
2. The overreaction and slamming YOUR door and disrespecting you. She could have returned home or done any number of thing but she thought this was acceptable.
3. This is not normal female behavior and we need to stop saying it is. If a man did this to his GF we would say it’s abusive. It’s still abuse when it’s a female.
You did absolutely the right thing. She really acted pretty badly. It might be forgivable but she doesn’t think she is wrong so how can you? Ignore your friends advice and let them one day be the ones who are trash talking their wives.
> saying that a girl dumping you on the couch is just part of having a girlfriend
You need different friends. This is not part of having a girlfriend, its not a gendered action that comes with being a woman. To lock you out of your bedroom at your own place because you wouldn’t do what she wanted is not even remotely okay.
You absolutely did the right thing. Enjoy watching horror movies on Halloween!
You don’t owe anybody a relationship.
Nope. You have boundaries unlike most people.
Good on you for sticking to them!
Sorry you had to go through that tho 😔
Honestly OP I think you should be a little worried about your friends. There are situations where the couch is kinda understandable, if the gf is in the place she lives rather than having somewhere to go and the bf has done something toxic and awful. But your gf was the toxic one here in the first place, screaming at you for having boundaries. It worries me that they think being treated that way is normal.
I don’t know about anyone else but I have never and will never sleep on the couch in my damn house.
I’d have dumped her too. And honestly, I’d have dumped her over the Halloween argument as well as locking you out of the bedroom. This woman literally tried to force you to do something she knew would make you miserable. Then locked you out of your own bedroom, in your own home, where she doesn’t live and therefore has no right to interfere with which rooms you can and cannot enter.
She disrespected you long before she locked you out of your bedroom. This woman has zero respect for your preferences, boundaries or personal space. That means she doesn’t respect you. At all.
That whole being forced to sleep on the couch thing is not a normal part of relationships, no matter how common the cliche is, but especially not in a relationship where you’re not actually living together.
Stand your ground on this one. It’s good that your family have your back. Tell the friends that it’s not healthy or normal to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, or your home, and that you won’t be forced to stay with a woman who obviously doesn’t like you very much if she can treat you so badly. You deserve better than a woman who demands everything be her way with no consideration for your thoughts or feelings at all.
People are saying you’re overreacting because most people will just sit there in a trash relationship way past it’s expiration date because they’d rather be in a toxic relationship than be alone. Your girl is controlling and immature and you should base decisions like this on your own best interests, not what anyone else thinks.
Scenario aside (which I agree with you on), you need to work on your mental health before trying to have any kind of relationship. Agoraphobia is a huge barrier to attempting to have any semblance of a healthy relationship.
Nobody kicks me out of my bed. If she has an issue with sleeping with you she can sleep on the couch. You failed her shittest. Gotta respect yourself man.