I (37F) don’t want to have feeling of hate in my heart anymore, but every time I think about how he (34M) treated me, I feel so sick and angry and hateful towards him.
We were together a year and broke up a few months ago.
He was nice and sweet and caring in the beginning, he appeared to actually put thought into me and us.
I dropped him off at the pub back in February and I stayed for a short while and got introduced to a few of his friends, one of which was nicknamed his ‘wife’. I was shocked because he had never mentioned it before.
That night I calmly told him I didn’t like him calling another women his wife while we were together, even as a joke (it apparently started when they were out drinking and she got hit on so he pretended to be her husband).
He seemed totally understanding and immediately said it would stop and that he told her that, as he’s with me now.
I asked some questions about their friendship and he said he doesn’t even have her number or talk outside of the pub, she’s just friends with his other friends.
Then in April, he books a holiday, and she is going. I didn’t really think much of it as I assumed they’d be in separate hotel rooms and he has been away with friends a few times before and text me the whole time.
In May I find out he’s stopping in a villa with her and another girl, and 2 other guys. At this point I question why he hasn’t invited me to stay with him if he has his own room and flights are separate (he hasn’t booked them yet) and the holiday isn’t until October.
He came out with a lot of excuses like:… he didn’t book the holiday… he’s only going with the lads and the girls invited themselves.. he should be allowed to go away with his friends… I should trust him…
I was confused because if I was going away I would want my boyfriend to be there. And we hadn’t even been away for a week ourselves as a couple or made plans to.
In June, we were in the back of a taxi and I see him typing in a group chat on his phone and just casually ask what’s up, he said it’s her birthday.
I was slightly confused as he said he didn’t talk to her, he explained it’s a group chat with the people going on holiday and they use it to talk shit about the other people that go down the pub and play poker with them.
I brought up again that I was upset at not being invited on the holiday when other women are going. He said he would take me to the pub with him to meet them all so I would feel more reassured about it.
In July he still hasn’t invited me out to meet them.
The holiday ended up getting cancelled, to my relief. Because the guy who organised it couldn’t go. The guy took my boyfriend and the other girls out for a meal, I wasn’t invited as he said it was just to compensate those who were going on holiday for losing their deposit. I dropped my boyfriend off and found out afterwards that other couples had gone to the meal.
My boyfriend wore a smart watch that popped up with his text messages and if his arm was around me, I would read them (as it was literally in my face) and he would get really mad at me for invading his privacy. It turned into an argument one day where I said.. why are you being so secretive, what are you hiding?
He gave me his phone and told me to look and there was a video she filmed and sent, of him sat next to her pouting at her , inviting her in for a kiss which she leans in and he kisses her and she kisses him back. Just a peck. But I was hurt and cried.
I have male friends, none of them I pout at or kiss at all in any way. My boyfriend said it’s not how it looks and convinced me there was nothing in it. And to be honest, we had a great chemistry and sex life so I had no reason to believe there was anything more anyway.
I was suspicious of the friendship after that though and when I got the opportunity I went on his phone and read this group chat that he had actually created himself and invited her to the previous year (so he had lied about her), in the chat he was calling her hot and flirting, there was nothing in there about other poker players (he had lied about that) and the whole time he was calling her his wifey behind my back in it (after lying it had stopped).
It was mostly about me though. The group of friends I didn’t even know all mocking me and slagging me off and calling me a b**** and him never saying anything nice back or defending me or shutting them down. I could even see he had gone round her house in the chat which he never mentioned to me.
For our entire relationship.
Here I was playing naive little (second) wifey, I didn’t live with him but I would clean his house, do all his garden for him, cook for him, sex on tap, i loved him with all my heart. I don’t think he physically cheated. But emotionally I felt so utterly betrayed , I walked out that night and haven’t spoken to him again.
And now I’m left with a broken heart wondering how someone could be so cruel to me. How they could lie and betray someone who did nothing but love them like that. I hate how he had me feeling so jealous and crazy when I am worth so much more. I feel sick every time I think about it.
How long does it take to stop feeling like this?
TL:DR: how do I (37F) stop these feelings of hating my ex bf (34M) after he lied to me for a year
6 comments
Let me tell you something my grandmother told me once:
“The only person who can feel your hate is you”
You have to let it go and stop allowing him and this failed relationship to ruin your future. I am not telling you it will be easy or quick, but that’s what you have to keep trying to do.
However…you didn’t listen to yourself. Hopefully you can see it now, but you knew something was wrong the whole time. You let him lie to you because of how you felt about him. The shit he was pulling, going out with his friends and not inviting you, going away with couples and not inviting you, etc. should have been immediate grounds for a breakup, if not at least a serious talk and a line drawn. You never stood up for yourself.
If you had put your foot down 2 or 3 months into the relationship, you probably wouldn’t hate him now. But you kept putting it off because you felt like you loved him, and the thought of not having him hurt more than being marginalized by him – and that can NEVER happen.
Sorry you’re going through this, but it will get better. You just have to want it to, and stop wasting your energy on resenting or despising him. He can’t feel it and he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care anyways. Hopefully with some reflection you can realize that while he was an asshole, you also enabled him, and you can take that experience and knowledge into your next relationship!
From your post, OP:
​
1. You don’t trust him
2. He doesn’t have proper boundaries
3. He doesn’t consider your feelings
4. He lies to you
5. He doesn’t stand up for you
6. He kissed another woman
7. He doesn’t invite you to any get-togethers
You correctly broke up; however, you’re trying to understand how someone can be this way, and the answer is simple: he’s a narcissist.
Narcissists:
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1. Have intense honeymoon periods
2. Don’t consider their partner’s feelings
3. Gaslight
Your problem is that you don’t know why he did the stuff he did, so you can’t move on. If you looked up what a narcissist is, you’ll understand that it’s who they are and that you just happened to be the person it happened to. When you do understand this point, you can properly grieve and move on.
Yes, what he did was truly awful, but hating him only hurts you.
Your best revenge is to move on, find someone who is worthy, and don’t give that asshole a single thought ever again.
Remember that his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
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It’s been about six months and I still really, really hate my ex. I’m trying to let it go, but it is hard after all the shit he did. Not to sound cliche, but writing it out has helped a lot. Usually in my journal, but sometimes on my phone. I get to call him all the names I want, insult everything about him, detail what kind of revenge I want to take on him, all those really nasty thoughts. I can get it out of my system, and that way it doesn’t just sit and fester inside me. I am still giving him more thought and energy than I want, but obviously you can’t just change that on a dime. So externalizing it has been good for me.
Op, there is a lot of good advice here, but also, these very uncomfortable emotions of hate, disgust, and and anger are there to protect you. It is ok to feel them. They are part of your defenses and warning systems