Is this financial abuse and do I need to leave?
Today we got our second eviction warning saying that we owe x amount and have to pay within 3 days or we will be evicted. We are married and have a young child together. My partner insists on being the one in charge to pay the rent and bills, but apparently he isn’t. My parents do pretty okay, and he’s expecting for my dad to bail us out of this- again. He insists on having a joint bank account and gets super upset whenever I mention having my own. Whenever I have money of my own, he wants me to transfer it into our joint. We both work full time jobs, and can definitely afford our rent. He also made me get a credit card but he never let me make payments on it. He uses quad pay for everything which I know destroys his credit. Whenever it’s time to renew my car registration, he doesn’t let me pay it until months later so I drive around with invalid tags. He also wants me to trade in my car so I can take his car and he can get a new one, but I love my car and we definitely can’t afford getting a new one. Both our cars are fine. We also have literally $0 in savings.
I love him so much and I never want to leave him, but I can’t live like this. We’ve had so many talks and conversations over the years, but nothing has changed.
We live on the west coast of the USA, and my parents live in one of the non-contiguous states. If I do leave him and take our child, I’m concerned about custody. I need help.
Tldr: husband controls all the money and puts us in debt, destroys our credit scores, and we’re about to lose our housing and I don’t know what to do
45 comments
You need to get out of this ASAP. Tell your parents what is going on and get a lawyer ASAP.
Get out
You need to gather all of the information that you can regarding his finances, split whatever is in your bank account 50/50, and cancel any cards in your name. Freeze your social security and your credit and head for a lawyer.
Take your child with you to your parents and if he wants custody you need to make it a condition that he has to have a stable and decent place to live or only grant supervised visits and he must pay child support.
Go home to your parents and start rebuilding your life. This man is doing everything in his power to pull you under.
You have a choice. Choose your welfare of your child or your husband. If you choose your husband then welcome to the rest of your life moving from eviction to eviction no financial freedom or stability and your kids future destroyed. Stop giving him your money. Cancel that credit card. Be responsible for your car. If I were you I’d start selling things including your car and go live with family. Get a job. And not come back. Establish a new residency for yourselves. Then later file for divorce. Either way where are you going to sleep in three days?
Your husband is destroying your family. You NEED to protect yourself and your child. He has given you no choice but to stop the financial hemorrhage. And that’s divorce. I’m sorry but this is not a good marriage. Love doesn’t put a roof over your child’s head nor feed you both. Your husband is CHOOSING to not provide the very basic needs of the family with your two incomes. You need to separate yourself financially before you can never get out from under this. You need to check your credit and see if he has taken out anything in your name. You need to start collecting evidence for later that he wouldn’t let let you control money. A child’s security trumps all. A roof is better than a shelter. Who is going to rent to you now? Where is the money going? Does he do drugs? Spends it on things for himself? Another family? If it’s a joint account how is it being spent? Why do you let him make the decisions when you know he’s irresponsible? Do you have access with your own card? Does he threaten you? Are you scared to defy him? You make your own money but can’t register your car? What happens if you don’t listen? Why can’t you put a percentage in joint and the rest your bills? What has stopped you from that? What does he do to stop you. The control is really concerning to me.
Cancel your credit cards and freeze your credit. He likely has been using the credit card that is in your name. He is too irresponsible with money. I would leave. What is he spending your money on? You both work and have enough to pay rent but rent hasn’t been paid. He shouldn’t have been in charge of finances when it became apparent he wasn’t paying the bills. He can’t stop you from opening your own checking/savings account.
Go to a lawyer.
If you make decent money and he’s NOT paying the bills, where is the money going? Is he gambling? Using drugs? Supporting another woman somewhere?
Meet with a lawyer asap, it does sound like he is financially abusing you and trying take advantage of your parents. You should find out where the money is going.
He insists. He made me. He forced me.
I don’t know what he’s doing to control you whether it’s physical abuse or emotional or what not but it’s time to start protecting yourself and your child. It’s not just financial abuse you are dealing with you are just being abused period. It’s time to make a plan to get the hell out.
This is a disaster. You have a joint account. Where is the money going? Cut him off Quad. Cancel your credit card. How does your husband not SEE how horrible this is? Second eviction? You will never find a new place with a reputable landlord.
Cut him off from the joint: he can see it but not use it and give him an account that he can use. Freeze his credit so he can’t open accounts.
Is he an addict? A gambler? Has a side piece?
Does he work? Phone your parents, arrange for them to come get you , your baby and your stuff ( at least what you can).
Freeze your credit girl, before he ruins it more
“I love him so much and I never want to leave him.” Then what advice are you looking for exactly? You have to leave him. He’s not paying bills or rent. You’re about to be evicted. Where is the money going? Conversation isn’t going to fix this.
You’re literally enabling him. You can’t keep talking to someone and nothing changes. That means that whenever something happens, you let it slide. In situations like these, be a mom. Be stern. Assert authority. You’re equals so your last say is as final as his. Honestly, some guys just need a wake up call to remind them that they’re not in charge and that that is not the type of relationship between the two of you. You have more control than you think, especially since he’s perfect in every type of way.. Just show him some tough love, drill it into his brain if you must.. He can never wanna be so reckless. Or maybe he is financially abusing you to have control over you..?? Oh god, there are people like that out there.. If that’s the case, rehabilitate his ass.
He isn’t very smart. You need to separate your money immediately. If he doesn’t like it then tough shit.
Stop giving him money! Pay the rent yourself and talk to a lawyer!
Stop tolerating a financial moron
Leave
Get out babe I went through the same thing and luckily the house was in my name so I kicked him out, not married but have 3 kids together. Went through a lot of financial abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse. Please leave. The behavior isn’t healthy and from 7 years of experience it doesn’t get better.
Get your own bank account and don’t let your husband near your money.
Stop dancing around this. You can love him, but you can’t rely on him. And honestly love only goes so far when your spouse throws you into chaos.
Kick him out and see what the reality of your finances are. You not only have that right, it’s your obligation.
If you can salvage the rental, get it caught up and get him off the lease
See a lawyer, because a legal separation may help you financially.
Cancel your credit cards or get him off of them.
Stop being a passenger to this drunk driver. You have to take control. Be an adult and stop letting your irresponsible husband mess up your life.
I would not share an account with this man and if you know his social, try to do a free credit check. Where is the money going? Is he an addict or some kind?
You are being financially abused and yes you need to leave. You’re the only one your child can count on to look after them.
Move back with your parents – you need their support right now. Take your car and important documents.
Speak to a lawyer. They will advise you on how to protect yourself financially and your custody options. Ask your parents for help paying any fees.
Open your own bank account and make sure your name is the only one on it. Pay your wages into your own account, not the joint one.
Cancel / freeze any credit cards and freeze your credit so he can’t open any more.
Your lawyer will advise everything else.
I don’t know if he’s financially abusing you because you do have a choice to do these things he’s telling you.
He tells you to let your car registration to lapse. If you listen to him and let it lapse, that’s on you.
He doesn’t pay the rent, your dad bails you out, but then you don’t make changes so it doesn’t happen again? Why is your husband controlling the money after he failed to pay the rent once?
You want to separate your finances and he pitches a fit so you don’t. Again, that’s on you.
You know the ship is sinking, yet you don’t plug the hole so water keeps coming in. You know that your husband has messed up your finances yet you continue to share money with him. Unless he’s threatening you or forcing you, against your will, to give him your money, you aren’t being abused. You have the choice of where your money goes. This guy is not managing money. You’ve got a kid and he didn’t pay rent and didn’t tell you so now, you have 3 days to move. Get your kid and your things and move in with family until you get back on your feet. Your husband can figure out what he’s gonna do on his own. He’s destroying your credit, blowing your money and just got you and your child thrown out on the streets. It doesn’t seem like he cares too much about either of you. You have to do what’s best for you and your child and staying with him and continuing to follow his stupid advice is not doing anything but hurting you.
YES YES YES this is financial abuse.
The credit card is in your name and you don’t know what’s on it! This is your second eviction! He takes your money away from you but doesn’t pay the bills.
You have to get help from your parents if they will help you.
You have to make a new bank account and get your salary paid into it. For the sake of your child and yourself get away.
With his financial abuse and debt I can’t imagine how he could get custody. Get a lawyer – yesterday. Don’t sign a new lease with him.
Please get yourself and your child to a safe place. Hold onto your car. Get all of your important documents and valuables away.
Get help!!
You’re a team.
You sit him down, and you get access to everything.
If your name is on it, and your money goes into it, you are fully entitled to use it.
If he disagrees, jump out.
Oh no. Where is the money going? If he can’t answer that, go home to your parents. He can’t afford to fight you for custody, he can’t even make rent. Open your own account, deposit your check there, and transfer only exactly half of the rent and bills. He can be upset, but what he can’t do is control you. Obviously he’s been lying to you and spending your rent money on drugs, gambling, or an affair.
Run! Call your dad to pick you up. You should access to the joint account. STOP TRANSFERRING MONEY TO JOINT ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY!
Uh yes, this is abuse. And also concerning, what is he doing with all the money? Gambling? Drugs?
Check your credit now. That will likely wake you up to this. OP tell your father right now, ask for help. You have very little time to protect yourself before the gig is up for him. In three days this is about to get possibly dangerous because his house of cards is about to fall.
Today: inform your parents. Ask them NOT TO bail out, even if you are in a situation where you have to pretend to ask. Have a “safe” word in case you need help from them and a thing to say if you have actually changed your mind and want their help. With these two words tell them no matter what don’t give the money unless you say the phrase and know you are safe unless you say the safe word.
If he is living a double life you could be in danger .
You need to leave now. He has likely ruined your credit and you are going to need help. Your parents are the best place to land for now. If you love him and want this to work, but talking about it has not yielded results, you will have to leave for now to even have a chance at him understanding how serious this is.
You need to leave and lock your credit so he can’t take any additional credit cards or loans out in your name or under your credit – like RIGHT AWAY. You need to open a separate account for just yourself so that you have some independence from him, your own debit card and checks, etc. And Don’t tell him you are leaving.
Once you have left (hopefully while he’s at work) you can let him know that you left, and why. THat you’re taking a break. That you want to work things out, but that things will have to change drastically for that to happen. You want control of your own finances and access to all household accounts. If your name and credit are being used for things, you have EVERY right (and arguably a responsibility) to know how much debt there is and how behind you are on bills. You need to be involved in every financial decision going forward as a partnership. If he’s not interested in a partnership, then the relationship has to end.
Custody can be decided by the courts. Go to your parents and get yourself out of this situation now.
Yep financial abuse. Get your own account and leave him
Get out. This is financial abuse. Your money is his money and his money is his money.
1: You need to start standing your ground on having your own bank account. Don’t transfer money into the joint account like he wants. Let him get upset, stomp his feet, and hold his breath Stand your ground on that. You’re going to sleep better at night having your own bank account, and it’ll help avoid future eviction notices.
You need to be more assertive in what you want because all of those talks with him haven’t produced squat.
You can’t say that you don’t want to leave him but continue letting this horrible cycle of financial abuse continue and never stand your ground on anything. You are handcuffing yourself to a life of misery with him by doing so.
My late bf was the same way. Always telling me he had it under control, but we’d get eviction notices almost every few months, even though every time he got a new job, he was making more. Turns out he was buying hookers, gambling, and doing hard drugs. He died at 45 and with only his survival benefits for his son, and SSI for me, I’ve NEVER missed a rent payment since. You need to do some digging.
OP, do you live in or near Nevada? This sounds like a gambling problem to me. If it were me, I would go through the records on the joint account and see where the money is going. If your name is on the account, you should be able to get access to the bank’s app and all the records. Call the bank and set it up, if you haven’t already.
It does sound like it’s time to leave. Print out the bank records to show you aren’t the person doing all this, and see a lawyer before you talk to your husband. You should be able to get custody.
Yes, it’s financial abuse, and yes, you should leave.
But you are enabling him to treat you like shit
He is single handedly ruining your credit.
How did he “make” you get a credit card and you have no access to it. Call the credit card company and cancel the damn thing.
Why can’t you pay the rent? Just freaking do it the 1st of every month.
Grow a spine and put your foot down.
Stop letting him walk all over you.
Pack up you and baby , file for divorce and custody take half the money in the joint account and leave.
The fact that you keep telling us what he won’t “let” you do says all I need to know.
This is abuse and you can’t trust this guy judging from what you’ve said. He may have a secret drug or gambling problem.
Please tell your parents what’s happening you are being financially abused
Oh no, you are in an abusive relationship. Please get some help.
Oh sweetie, he is using you for your money! How can you not see this? Please leave him. You and LO deserve so much better! He is a controlling AH! Run! Go to your parents house with LO and everything you can bring with you.
So I grew up in a similar situation. My mom demanded to handle all bills and hid all mail from my dad. And things were always getting cut off. She hid everything took it blew up in he face and had no choice but to tell My dad and if he got mad at all she would run away, threaten to kill herself, go all DRAMA. She wasn’t spending it on drugs or gambling. Just buying purses and junk she couldn’t afford. It’s not fun to grow up in. She made us hide mail and if he got ahold of it we were to blame and it sucked.
Why doesn’t anyone just use the word, “No”?
•”transfer your money to joint.” “No.”
Make him upset, who gives a shit? He’s an ass.
OP, eventually you are going to end up homeless. You need to take steps to protect your credit which your spouse seems determined to ruin. Cancel all those cards and put alerts on your credit indicating that no new cards can be established. Stop putting your money in a joint account – how many times does your spouse have to get you evicted before you figure out not to combine your funds with his?
Take over the bill paying responsibility – that way you will know that things get paid. I would leave someone this irresponsible that was putting myself and my child in jeopardy, but its apparent from your postings that you aren’t finished being mistreated by your spouse.
This was exactly my situation minus the child. There is most likely a lot you aren’t seeing. Turned out my ex wife had a deep secret gambling and spending problem. Once the break up began I found out so much more, she literally wrecked my life financially and I’m still digging out two years later.
Get out. No matter what. And fast!
Leave and take your child.
>I’m concerned about custody
Don’t be, bank operation logs will show he can not be trusted with money
>I love him so much and I never want to leave him, but I can’t live like this. We’ve had so many talks and conversations over the years, but nothing has changed.
No amount of love can compensate the fact that he make your life hazardous and you have a child.
Good luck