Have you or your friends changed their mind about kids?
I (38F) and my 36M partner have been together for 8 years. I am a bit ahead of him in terms of age and career – when we met he was still in a PhD program while I already finished mine and had a job, so he lacked financial stability and was not ready for a family, but told me he would like one in the future. I waited patiently but when he graduated the pandemic hit leading to new instability, so I waited more.
Finally two years ago he got a stable job. I brought up the family thing again and he agreed to start trying for a baby, but it hasn’t been working. We were about to start consulting for IVF this fall, however, after returning from a visit to his family he declared he changed his mind and he doesn’t want kids. He said he realized he never really wanted them, he agreed previously only because I wanted. I am not 100% sure what triggered him to change his mind; he said it was observing his single mom sister where the dad doesn’t want/love the kid, but I don’t quite get the logic. He is quite nervous with money so idk if this could be a factor too but we can certainly afford it.
I love my partner. We have a great relationship otherwise, he is kind and caring, and we are still attracted to each other.
It may sound like it’s me being selfish but I know him and I really think he is making a mistake. He tends to overthink things way too much and also doesn’t like to discuss personal stuff with anyone so he gets trapped in spiralling thoughts. I think he got cold feet for some reason and in a few years he will change his mind again. However, if low now, my chances of conceiving in few years will be zero and we will miss out on the chance having children.
I offered to freeze embryos instead but he refused that option too. Worse off all, he now tells me I will be better off with another man if I want kids so much and this reaction breaks my heart…
I know it’s a hard decision and it’s not like I feel ready either but I the time pressure is too much and stakes are really high – it’s a very important life decision.
If I was sure he doesn’t want them and won’t change his mind I would accept that, but I just really believe it is a temporary state at a very bad moment of time. Please share your thoughts and experiences.
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Your husband is very clearly telling you how he feels and what he wants, and you’re ignoring him because it’s contrary to what you want. Worse, you’re infantalizing his answer by saying, *”I just really believe it is a temporary state,”* i.e. “I think I know better.”
Consider the circumstances: he agrees to try, and it doesn’t work. To any man, that’s going to feel like a sign, but especially to a man who has concerns. He steps away to visit his family, and outside the pressure of trying to offer you something that you want, he realizes that it’s not for him. He recognizes, in seeing his single-mother sister, that he doesn’t want to be a dad, or worse, a dad who isn’t present.
He tells you this, clearly and cleanly, and rather than accepting what he’s telling you, you arrogantly think you know better because it doesn’t line up with what you want.
I say this not in a confrontational way, but in a way that I hope will get through to you. Your husband has made it clear that he does not want to be a father. He likely hopes you still want to be with him, but he also realizes that having children is important to you. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he also doesn’t want to deny you. He also doesn’t want to bring a child into the world that he doesn’t want just to make you happy. All these things can be true.
Good luck to you both.
I would suggest that the next step for both of you is counseling. Both individually and as a couple.
You do not want to bring a child into the world if you are not on the same page.
Your partner doesn’t want kids right now. Maybe he will in the future, maybe he won’t. He has told you this in as many words, and instead of talking it through you assume he is making a mistake because he is not on the same page as you.
Children deserve parents that want them here. If you have kids now and he does not want them, he will 100% resent you in the future.
Ooff. At least he’s telling you. Yeah it’s counselling time.
My sister got divorced because her husband (at the time) changed his mind about having kids.
Now she has a new husband and has three great kids with him.
I’m not telling you to get divorced, but one person wanting kids and the other not, that has got to be the most clear deal breaker on earth for married couples.
You are only unsure because you’re refuse to accept the reasons that he gave you (which you outlined). He gave you an out, and you have chosen to refuse it. Welcome to your equal rights.