TW: discussion around consent and rape in the edits.
So me (f19) and my bf (m18) have been together for a month now. We’ve had sex a couple times (oral and piv) and it’s been enjoyable. I really like him and he’s the best a guy has ever treated me, like super respectful and listens to me when I’m upset and so on.
The thing is when we get sexual and discuss sex he always brings up anal. For me anal just isn’t something I’m into, I don’t find it enjoyable as I do with standard sex. I’m one of those girls who can finish through just internal vaginal stimulation during sex so I really enjoy it, and need something inside me to finish 90% of the time. I’ve done anal once with an ex bf and it was really traumatic for me and painful and since then I’ve done anal with toys and stuff and don’t feel any pleasurable sensation from it most of the time. I don’t know if it’s also a psychological thing bc after I do anal I just feel dirty and used and get low self esteem.
However I really like my bf and want to satisfy his kinks even if I’m at best neutral about anal. Last time we had sex his dick accidentally slid into my bum just the tip and it was so painful I had to push myself away from him and take a minute, he was extremely apologetic about it even though it wasn’t his fault.
I feel like I’m rambling here trying to give context. Anyway I’m just looking for advice on the following:
1. How to communicate that anal isn’t a kink of mine and I don’t really find it that pleasurable but as open to try it in the future ( but not any time soon) without it feeling like I’m disregarding him
2. Tips on how anal can be made better for me sensation wise
3. If anyone else has a weird mental block on anal, how to move past it and get over the whole shame thing.
Sorry if this was a long post I just want some advice!
EDIT: seems like I didn’t make it clear enough in my post. I have not done anal with my bf, yet. Can people stop making assumptions negatively of his character when I thought I made it clear he was respectful and kind. I just am not good at expressing boundaries in sex due that past trauma. He is a lovely guy.
EDIT 2: since I’m tired of everyone going on about how my boyfriend didn’t accidentally slip it inside me. It was an accident. It was dark, his dick slipped out was struggling to put it back in with the angle I was in and unfortunately his dick slipped into the opening on the wrong hole when he pushed inside me (I was literally holiding his dick trying to help get it in. Shit happens, it was accident, as soon as I expressed that it was the wrong hole he was very embarrassed about it happening in the first place.
EDIT 3: as flattered as I am by people being concerned about this whole accident thing, as someone who was raped this time last year and has clear issues and boundaries regarding consent, I don’t appreciate strangers on the internet trying to convince me my boyfriend tried to do something like that without my consent/ make assumptions on his character. I don’t want to discuss this event any further and it was not why I made this post. This is becoming very triggering for me and I won’t be entertaining anyone trying to convince me my bf is taking advantage of my “ignorance”.
EDIT 4: adding some extra clarification here, I am yet to express my feelings around anal to my bf apart from telling him I’ve done it before and it wasn’t good for me, and sent him some vids of me doing it to myself. The only thing I’ve said is that I’ve not done it in a while. This post was initially made as advice onto how I can tell him it’s not something I want to do anytime soon, not a post about whether I feel he’s pushing boundaries i haven’t even spoke to him about. In terms of consent he is very good with boundaries and asking me whether I want to do things and anal has only really been mentioned when we are sexting rather than in person.
25 comments
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You just need to be honest. If you’re not enjoying it then he needs to know that. Pleasure is a two way street
Well for starters you don’t have to do anything you don’t like for anyone and if the other person loves you they will understand that, there are kinks that we just can’t fulfill and as a couple you have to learn to work around them. I suggest you be very clear with your bf, tell him that it’s not something you enjoy and that you don’t want to do it, maybe some years/months/etc be very very clear so he’s also able to manage his expectations
When my wife and I were talking about sex things at one point and it came up she said “Yeah, we’re not doing that” and I was like “OK” and that was the end of it.
Just tell him how you feel. If it’s a deal breaker for him then you both move on. You not wanting to do it is completely valid.
If you feel intimidated enough that you can’t tell him in a simple conversation “I really don’t enjoy anal play in any form and don’t want to do it again” then things like this spiral out of control.
Being in a respectful relationship makes conversations like this very simple. I simply cannot imagine being with a partner which would keep forcing the issue after a chat has bee had
Just tell him! Men are used to hearing no, particularly when it comes to anal, so it’s not like it’s gonna be a monumental shock to him. Tell him you might be willing to try again sometime down the road, but you really aren’t comfortable trying it again yet. If it’s something he cares about, he’ll absolutely do whatever it takes to help you get there, even if it means months and years of preparation.
Now for the tips: Be clear about the No penetration boundary, but let him rim you if he’s into that, maybe allow a thumb or finger to rub the outside while you’re having sex, and focus on having good sex otherwise. With time, you might find that as you build confidence that he’s not going to shove anything in there, you start to enjoy it a little bit. Consider wearing a plug, they make pretty small ones, and that can help “prepare” you. Also, go to the bathroom to clear out before anything goes in there. Too full is uncomfortable. Lastly: sometimes is just isn’t time, and that’s ok!
The shame and prior bad experiences: the only solution is to build confidence with your partner. Confidence that he respects your limits, won’t judge you, and will always put your comfort and pleasure first. Eventually when you get to a place that a thumb rubbing you, or a plug, turns you on, and he’s your unwavering rock, it’ll make it easier to relax, let go, be yourself, and enjoy the experience.
1. Be clear it’s not going to happen any time soon for the reasons you listed. If he’s a good partner he should accept that without issue. You should also make it clear to him very few women orgasm as easily from PIV as you.
2. If YOU want to explore anal play, I would get a small vibrating butt plug and use it while you masturbate. Do it on your time and your pace to see if there’s anything there. You can also use relaxing (NOT Numbing) lubes like Pjur’s Backdoor. If you live in a country with legal THC, I hear good things about THC lubes and anal play/sex. You may not find anal sex pleasurable, but you may find the extra fullness of a plug adds to your PIV pleasure.
3. Some of that might just be leaning into taboos with sex in general. Dirty talk, kink, fantasy, etc.
Tell him you go first and see if he’s still about it lol.
I think you have every right to ask him to stop bringing up anal. You’re not interested in trying it right now and him constantly pestering you about it isn’t helping the situation. Please don’t force yourself to try something you’re not into just for your partners sake, it can lead to some serious resentment.
It’s admirable that you are thinking this through instead of just a “hell no”. It shows you do care about him. However, that being said, you should never do anything you aren’t comfortable with. It guarantees an unfavorable outcome. A loving partner should understand your boundaries.
If it’s something you end up wanting to explore, first step is make it something YOU want, not something just to placate him. It will be more enjoyable for both. Patience on both your parts is going to be critical.
Next, I’d recommend warming up to the idea. Maybe watch amateur porn (professional porn can be unrealistic). This might help overcome some negative feelings on it. Then start with anal play by yourself. Make sure your incorporate vaginal stimulation. Anal alone might be as exciting as rubbing your elbow if its not a hot zone for you. But if you incorporate both areas, you might find a difference. If you still don’t like, then maybe it truly isn’t for you. You tried. Nothing wrong with that.
If you get enjoyment then maybe move onto anal play with your BF. Work up to it. Eventually you’ll either want it or not. Don’t jump into penetration.
Just tell him no and be done. If you don’t like it don’t do it. This is how people get hurt! When having anal sex and not relaxed the risk of tearing your rectal tissue is extremely high and this can cause serious issues.
“Hey (bfs name) I’m not really into anal so please can we refrain from doing it and stop asking/hinting/suggesting/trying”
Look, just tell him. Tell him exactly what you wrote in this post, basically.
From what you wrote it seems like he’s into it, but as you *haven’t communicated yet that you’re not*, he keeps bringing it up which makes you feel pressured.
Talk to him and tell him about your experience. Drop anal entirely for now. Then further down the road, you might be super horny at some point and get curious, then you can try with just a finger in the butt. Try to reach back and use your own, because women’s fingers are often smaller and you can control the pace yourself.
There’s no in between if you don’t enjoy it. Just tell him anal is not on your cards and that you are open to hear his fantasies, and also evaluate other things but not this.
Personal experience: my SO is just like you and in exchange for me to respect her boundaries she hears my anal fantasies and gets off to it even if we don’t have anal sex and she doesn’t like it. It works for both and it’s a turn on.
Anyway anal should not be painful, and it should be done after lots of foreplay and while you feel totally relaxed and engaged into what you are doing. Your body might not be able to enjoy it of course, but usually whenever you think you have enough lube and foreplay, just add more. Some people also suggest using sex toys to stretch a bit and avoid any pain.
If you don’t have anal in your mindset though, you definitely are not prepared to do it since you will raise a major resistance first hand, and that’s not going to help.
“I don’t care for anal and don’t want to do it anymore”
“Hey, I don’t like anal that much.”
There yah go.
Maybe you can settle on having him play with toys with you instead of actually anal sex!
Why don’t you just tell him? Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for the long term
1. Just be honest with him if he is as good of a guy as you say he is he will understand and not pressure you about it and then if you ever make the decision to try it with him you just tell him.
2. Anal has never felt good to me either I don’t think there is anything you can do to change that. I have done it a few times for different guys and never once have I had it feel good.
3. For this one you would have to seek psychiatric help there is no easy way to change the way you feel about it. There is nothing wrong with doing it but if it makes you feel bad about yourself you shouldn’t do it.
I’ve never heard of anyone slipping into the wrong hole by accident. I’m not saying it never happens, I’m sure somebody will jump in and say it happened to them. I’m just saying it’s extremely rare but it happens by accident. If you saw how it looked back there you would see how easy it is to not slip into the wrong hole. However I have heard of guys who were super into anal pretend to slip into the wrong hole just to try to get some because their partner didn’t want to try it. So to me, it sounds super shady that he is really into anal and you don’t want to do it and he pushed into your bum anyway. You choose to believe him which is fine, I’ve never met this guy so I can only guess as to his motives. But I do think it would be smart too file this away as a potential red flag and if he displays behaviors like this again then reevaluate your perception of this situation. You’ll discover that guys can be incredibly nice when they want something from you and then turn out to be selfish manipulative partners down the road.
“Stop.”
If that doesn’t work, then ask if you can return the favor and peg him.
If you’re not into it, then you’re not into it. End of story.
You should tell him like this: ”Hey, I don’t like anal that much”
This is a conversation you should have when you are NOT engaged in sexual activity.
“Hey boyfriend, I know you are really interested in adding anal play to our sex. That is not something I enjoy and I have some trauma around. I don’t know if I’ll ever be interested in that. If I ever decide that I’d like to engage in that, I will let you know. If that time comes we would need to proceed according to my comfort and needs. Any attempt to rush that would make it challenging to trust you through that process. I want our sex to be a safe and trust filled space for us both. Please stop asking for anal play and allow me to take the lead on that if and when I decide I may be ready. That may be a long time from now and it may be never. I hope you can understand how important it is to me that I not experience pressure to do something I don’t want to do and to not experience trauma during our intimacy. I care about you deeply and want our sex to be enjoyable for both of us.”
Anal is best done when the recipient is able to relax properly. Otherwise the sphincter is too tense and you get that pain at insertion. Anal shouldn’t hurt at all. There’s the obvious advice of be generous with the lube and go slow.