Hi all. My partner and I are…struggling. I’m at the point where I don’t know if we can bridge the gaps between us. We talked about a lot today…and I’m coming here to seek advice from people who have been in successful/happy long term relationships. Hoping to get my feet under me before making a move.
A little about us. Both are in our 30s (I’m female, he’s male and I’m a little older). We have been together almost 5 years. Live together no kids.
My questions.
1) if one partner is unhappy with some aspect of the relationship, should they need to convince the other partner that there is a problem? Or should the other partner automatically jump on board for a possible solution?
2) how do you stop fighting about the same things over and over? And how do you stop fighting about how you fight?
3) how do you deal with resentment that has built up in a relationship over years? The problem is subsiding but one partner feels hurt that it took so long to resolve the issue.
4) how hard are relationships supposed to be? I know they take work and they can be hard…but how do you know when it’s just too hard and you are just too different?
4 comments
Hi I’ve been married for 8 years (28f) and (32m)
1. It isn’t convincing it’s more of an open discussion on how you are feeling, why are you feeling that what and how do move forward.
2. That’s on going it’s really the effort put in to fix it or deal with it knowing it isn’t going to change. Try not to make it a big deal. By telling each other how you feel and really again it’s an effort to be better .
3. You can’t change the past but you can move forward. So really meditate, talk to yourself about it . It is what it is , it can’t be changed and be happy with where you guys are and move on.
4. When you both have exhausted all measures and no longer find happiness within yourselves and each other. Cannot be toxic and be happy to live happily .
Hope I helped 😊
1. If one partner is unhappy, it already IS a problem. There is no convincing needed. You should look for a solution together.
2. Set up rules. If you don’t know how, couple’s therapy.
3. Therapy.
4. Relationships can be hard, but the negatives shouldn’t be outweighing the positives. If you’re always feeling dread, depression, sadness, resentment, etc., time to talk with a therapist for a fresh pair of eyes. You need to have a clear view of what you’re willing to tolerate, and how long you’re willing to tolerate things you want changed, and what your dealbreakers are.
1. No convincing. A problem for one is a problem for both. Work towards a solution that works for everyone at best and hearing/understanding your partner’s feelings at minimum.
2. Gottman method. Also, get into couples and individual therapy.
3. Bids for connection. Start making intentional bids for connection with each other. Affection. Sharing interests. Sharing personal feelings. Sharing anecdotes about your day. Invitations for a date or activity. Showing interest in your partner’s interest etc. Also, acknowledging your partner’s feelings, owning your part in where you are, and changing in ways you know you need to go better the relationship. This can be the way you communicate or show up, etc.
4. This depends on the season! Sometimes a breeze. Sometimes the gauntlet.
1. It’s not either or, it’s should be some of both.
Come to an understanding of the issues at hand. Sometimes you accept the little things that piss you off, sometimes you casually bring them up in hopes of change and sometimes(hopefully extremely far between) a fight might ensue. My wife and I haven’t fought in probably 18 years. We disagree and sometimes have serious discussions about behaviors but we don’t fight. Your partner should be your partner. You should always be helping or trying to help them out. That’s why you have a partner. Sometimes when I say something it means something completely different to my wife and vice versa. Bringing up the past and any name calling are the only complete NO NO’s in arguments. They don’t solve anything, past issues should have been solved already and so shouldn’t be brought up in current arguments. Name calling only pisses people off making things worse.(obviously)
Relationships should be a joy not a job. Yes, it’s work because we all think differently and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes regularly can be tiresome especially if they’re not putting in the same effort. If you both work hard at that, resentment shouldn’t build up. If it has already, you’ll probably need a third party to mitigate for you, because those are unresolved issues that you are apparently not capable of solving together or you would’ve done so already. Married 20 years, together for 22. No kids, together because we want to be.