i think my girlfriend is refusing the marriage concept, she didn’t say it directly BUT she hinted at that strongly. She is previously divorced 6 years ago. And i want her as my wife, I’m in the start of my career and i make a good amount of money, so i can afford everthing. i love her alot and she do too but i can’t stay in the relationship if it’s not gonna ends with marriage, i don’t think there so i decided to stop any effort, talking, everything. i don’t wanna see my effort and caring and my love energy to get wasted for nothing. Would you stay in a relationship doesn’t ends with marriage?
Important Edit: marriage is the ONLY way to live together under one roof in my country due religious beliefs
TL;DR! : GF is refusing the marriage idea, i can’t stay if it’s not gonna ends with that. Should i end it ? or try to change her mind?
7 comments
>so i decided to stop any effort, talking, everything
Yep showing the age difference there. How about *communicating* and deciding from that
These are the fundamental sticking points that end relationships. If you want it and she doesn’t, either version of staying together could likely end in resentment and toxicity. You resent her for not committing in the way you want, she resents you for trapping her in a legal bind.
A similar thing happens with the question of kids or not. If you guys disagree about marriage you may also disagree about kids.
If you really need marriage to be happy and she really needs to be unmarried to be happy, you should break up. But ideally first you would have a conversation about what marriage means to each of you and see if there is a third option that gets both your needs met – maybe that’s legal paperwork to provide the essential protections marriage would, maybe it’s a big public commitment ceremony that’s not a wedding, or maybe you really can’t find a compromise and you break up. But it’s worth talking about if your relationship is great otherwise.
(As for your question about what we would do – yes, I’m in a multi-decade unmarried relationship, but that’s what both of us wanted. If either of us wanted marriage we would have broken up over it.)
Fundamental incompatibility. You’re not going to change someone’s mind without creating resentment that will inevitably cause separation anyhow.
Breaking up over an incompatibility when no one has done anything inherently wrong does not make either of you the bad guy.
Break up now amicably, or down the line after more investment into the relationship and hard feelings.
Absolutely I would stay in a relationship if it didn’t end in marriage. And I’m a woman. To me, a relationship is about just that, the partnership between the two of you. No piece of paper or ceremony should change any of that. Maybe if it was for the benefits of having a partner government wise I’d do it, but otherwise for me, if it’s the ultimatum, go find someone else if you need “marriage” to solidify your relationship together. If you can’t love me without having the whole “ownership” aspect of it, then I’m good. Go find someone else
You have to ask her directly and tell her you need an answer. If she says she doesn’t want it (which may be caused because of how her previous marriage turned out) or doesn’t want it anytime soon, you will then know it is an incompatability. If she says she is not sure, then you should tell her and tell yourself when your deadline to know is… so that you don’t waste time and energy if it is never going to happen. (Make that reasonable. Something like 3 months or 1 year from now. Or whatever you’re willing to do. But, the shorter the time period you allow, the less likely she will say yes to marriage if she is truly torn.) If she won’t answer, tell her you need an answer… and that no answer will equate to an answer of NO for you.
If the answer is no or there is no answer, then you know it will not work out. Please don’t just stop talking to her. Be mature and thank her for the time spent together but tell her you must break up since you do not envision the same type of future together…. and wish her well.
Please remember: Especially because she has been married before, if she says no, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with anything negative she sees in you. It may simply be trauma and learned experiences from her past relationship which she doesn’t want to repeat again. Or, she may see an incompatability which you don’t yet see. That doesn’t mean you are a bad prospect as a husband or that she sees you as a bad prospect. It may just be that she doesn’t want marriage with anyone right now, that she isn’t ready, that she needs more time, she needs someone a bit different (not better), or never will be ready to marry again.
*I* personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship where the end result isn’t marriage, but plenty of people *never* want to marry.
That doesn’t matter. What does matter is what YOU want. You want marriage. So, if she doesn’t want it, then you should take a little time to be by yourself and heal a bit… and then go specifically search for someone who sees a future in marriage the way you do. I wish you the best.
Edited to fix typo
You say you only want to be with someone who wants to get married.
She doesn’t seem to want to get married.
First, have a conversation with her about if that’s how she really feels, since it doesn’t seem like you’ve really talked it out. Whatever she says, don’t go into it with the intent of changing her mind. But it sounds like right now you don’t 100% know her thoughts, and she might not be as opposed as you think or there might be something she needs to happen first [like, be together a little longer or something.]
If she says she doesn’t want to get married or isn’t giving you a straight answer, then break up with her and look for someone who does want to get married.