Hello guys,
So my husband (early 50s) and I (mid 30s) have reconciled after two years of separation, we were married for 8yrs prior. We have four kids. That was a big factor in getting back together…so wanted to give it a last chance. I filed for separation after I found out he was having a virtual affair or emotional affair with another girl from another country. We separated for 2 years where he dated lots of people since (he confessed) and I had one person I dated as well during separation. So we reconciled a few months ago this past summer 2023, and since we got back together, he has deleted social media, joined my phone account, gave me password to everything etc since his affair was what destroyed our marriage and caused us to separate. So he’s been as transparent as possible but he travels so much for work.
There’s this trip that I’ve been dreading that he was gonna be on…it’s a week long conference and there is this girl who he was flirting with while we were separated attending…there’s about 900 people attending this conference. I can’t tell him not to go because that’s work and she is a part of the company he works for. Anyway, the trip is this week and he is there now. Before he left, I told him to limit 1 drink limit when they all have networking gatherings and stuff, also to communicate with me of his whereabouts. So when he arrived there in Thursday, he started acting weird and when I called him several times, he didn’t pick up his phone (broke a promise)…I ended up speaking to him the next day, I was very upset about it but he said he fell asleep (it was 6pmishhh when he “fell” asleep lol) and he swore on our children, on everything else and said God strike me today i didn’t go anywhere or had anyone in my hotel room etc…so I took his words and moved on. Fast forward to the next day, he goes to all these conferences all day and networking events at night, drank a lot of alcohol and was communicating with me fine…I was upset about the drinks because he said he had 4drinks (broke another promise) because we agreed to a one drink limit on these trips. Anyway,while he is in this restaurant networking with a a bunch of people(he sent videos of who he was with)…he stopped talking to me as the time got later and later. The time is close to 10pm and didn’t hear from him so I texted to check on him…no answer, I called and called no answer. An hour later he called me back saying he just hopped in an Uber with some of the people he was with and got back to the hotel and chatted a bit and he didn’t hear my phone. This was around 12am. I was so upset with him because of him drinking and staying out late, not responding to my messages etc….we got into it on the phone and he hung up on me.
Today, I find out from a girl at his event posting videos where their entire staff were all in the lobby the night before and saw my husband there in the video chatting with this girl he says he’s never done anything with and other people. I believe he didn’t answer my calls because he was talking to them and having more fun. He continues to be distant with this trip and I’m convinced it’s not all work, especially knowing his history so i told him that I saw the video the girl posted and he lied to me, broke promises on this trip and how a married man shouldn’t be out late drinking on these work trips, he has no wedding band since we were in the process of getting them since we gave away the old rings from before we separated. I am just not even sure I can deal with a once a cheater going on these trips and acting like this. So I told him to get his shit when he comes back and move on. I’m done with him and he immediately came up with excuses about why he was hanging out in the lobby with the girl and other people…he claimed he had no idea they’d be there. I mean…he was drunk and out past midnight….acting like he doesn’t have a wife and children 🤦♀️ please share your thoughts, am i right to be done and over with his bullshit?
23 comments
A man with his history should be on his best behavior when on a business trip if he was serious about protecting his marriage. Your husband behaved recklessly and is lying his ass off. Good for you for not falling for his bullshit excuses.
Sounds like typical business trip schmoozing TBH. But you probably need to bail, even if he’s not cheating anymore. Because you’re never going to not suspect it or not worry about it.
You can’t babysit a grown man especially a man that’s in another place. He was skating on thin ice he knew that and he blew it. You can walk away with your head held high because you gave him a chance to repair your trust and to fix your relationship and he dropped the ball.
Before you got beck together did you BOTH work very hard on making changes because from what you say here it sounds like there is zero trust and you where policing him, demanding he not drink etc and he also had no intention of changing his ways?
I am sorry that you are going through this.
He was unfaithful. He broke your trust. Now, you are acutely attuned to everything he does and or does not do. You probably feel like you are constantly living on the edge. In my humble opinion, this is not a pleasant way to go through life.
While the business trip sounds very normal to me, his and your combined history will continue to make you feel unsecure in your marriage. Perhaps counseling might help, but I’m not sure.
Again, I am sorry.
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This business trip sounds completely normal, but I’d end this relationship regardless. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life paranoid and on edge, and demanding that he constantly check in on you while you try and control his behavior, just end it. The whole thing sounds miserable for everyone involved.
Whether he actually cheated or not is almost beside the point now.
He had a very clear blueprint of behavior expectations for this trip, and it was a chance for him to show you how serious he is about restoring your trust and your marriage.
And yet, at almost every turn, he did the wrong thing. Then he lied about it until he was faced with indisputable proof of his lies.
In any case, once a relationship has reached the point where this level of restrictions has to be placed for one of the partners to feel secure, the best thing to do for all involved is to end it.
To me it sounds like a normal business trip. It also sounds like you will never trust him regardless if he didn’t cheat on this trip. No need to continue living like this
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To be fair, I can’t promise you that he has physically cheated on this trip. Though for sure know that you simply don’t trust him any longer. Which is justified by his actions. You made work trip ground rules that he broke. It just not worth your mental anguish. If he was truly all in, none of what you described would have occurred. Sorry you are going through this again. I guess the only silver lining is you have been there before and understand what it takes to move on.
You aren’t over reacting btw. Fool me once……shame on me comes to mind. Best of luck.
He, unfortunately, isn’t a keeper. I’m very sorry for your heartache OP.
I remember your many posts about this relationship.
All I can say is that I hope you make it stick this time and that I hope you’re seeking out therapy to learn how to value yourself.
Hi friend. I remember your posts about your relationship… your husband is a shmoozer, loser, and abuser. He will never change. You and your children deserve so much better. I know it’s not easy to leave (I’ve been there), and there are some rough times ahead. But I promise you life gets so much better, so much sweeter, and so much more peaceful. You and your children deserve to know true peace and love. This man will never provide that for you.
You gave him a chance, and he threw it away.
I travel for work almost every week and my wife never worries because I’ve never given her a reason to. That’s should be the norm in a marriage.
You sound awful.
You and your children deserve better. He is a grown ass man who agreed to the terms and conditions of reconciliation. So he should have stuck to them.
Updateme!
Trust is very hard to get back. He should be going out of his way to show you he can be trusted. He should want you to be at peace and not worried about what he will or won’t do. He is not trying to win your trust. He might not be doing anything bad, but he is not doing anything to prove he is worthy of regaining your trust
Girl every relationship that needs one of you to give passwords etc as proof of changed behavior is a lost course because it actually got there. It means trust was broken many times. It’s not worth it. Teach yourself to leave relationships that put you in that situation. There are plenty honest men in this world and you owe the respect you want from him to yourself. You’re worth so much more than this terrible situation you’re in.
Sorry that you are going through this … if your husband is easily leed astray let him go you are worth more then 2nd best, if he really loved and cared about you no other female would come into sight, know your worth you are stronger then you think big hugs
I’m proud of you. Seriously. You did the right thing. DONT second guess yourself. Keep going. If he really cared the first time he would have dedicated his life to fixing it, not dating others. Get yourself the love you deserve.
You don’t trust him and probably never will. This marriage was probably over before it even began.
Life is too short to have a partner who isn’t trustworthy.