Hi everyone. My ex-fiancé dropped a bomb on me before we were to move in together that his mother would also be moving nearby. Like 5-minutes’ drive nearby. I like his mom, but she hasn’t lived alone in decades, just with him, and absolutely refuses to get help for her own problems so she depends on my ex to do everything for her… be her social life, drive her anywhere she needs to go, grocery shop you name it. She’s not disabled, she just has some back pain but won’t go to the doctor for anything. He sees no problem with any of this.
He said his plan was to continue doing all of this for her and visit her, so he’d spend multiple days a week for multiple hours with her. He said I can come too but I don’t want to do those things or visit her that much. He said sometimes he’d be with her on portions of the weekends even. We both have jobs, friends and other obligations so I saw barely any room for a healthy marriage with quality time together in this scenario.
The cherry on top of all of this was, when my brother heard of this “plan” he was extremely concerned I’d never be first to my ex even after we married. He had a talk with my ex and my ex said both his mom and I would be a priority depending on who needed him most at the time despite always telling me I’m his first priority. My brother asked him if there was a hypothetical emergency situation and both my ex’s mom and me were in the same danger with little time to spare, would he rescue me first or his mom. My ex said he didn’t know and he would hope to rescue me but he wasn’t sure and maybe he’d rescue his mom first.
After I heard this, it was all just too much to take and I called off the engagement. We had always said we’d prioritize the other over anything and everything especially after marriage. Now I’m sitting here thinking am I a crazy lady to have called off the wedding over this situation?
TL;DR Fiancé wanted to spend a lot of time with his mother and wasn’t sure whether he’d rescue me or her in an emergency.
7 comments
No. Mom would be living with you within a year or two of marriage. Being helpful to an ailing parent is one thing, being fixated is something else. Helping out is finding her some assistance, showing her how to order food deliveries online and making sure she sees a doctor. He is already married to her. Be glad you found out now.
Honestly, smart move, and here’s my take:
It’s not that his priorities are fucked – his mother has presented herself as a small child that needs your ex, and I assure you there are anxieties deeply seeded there that if he doesn’t do it for her – take her out, drive her, check in on her – he is scared she will die. He wants to protect the thing he sees as helpless.
It’s like the old ‘spouse and child is in danger which do I save’, most will say ‘child’ because the spouse is more likely has learned skills over the years on what to do to protect themselves and get out of danger. To him, his mother is a child, incapable of doing it for herself, while you are ‘more capable’ and he doesn’t need to be on top of you.
What made it a smart move is tha**t his mother is, in fact, not a small child, not disabled, and logically he can’t see that.**
He COULD give her tough love and focus on building a new life with his partner, but he chooses to let her be the driving force in her motivations. He is a full grown man, not some sheltered twenty year old that has had so little expereince he can’t see his mother’s capabilities.
He has allowed his life to be ruled by his mother’s whims. It’s one thing to be close to your parents, it’s another to be their caretaker when they are still capable of taking care of themselves. There could be some really complex, traumatic background there (curious as to what the relationship with the father here was), but at the end of the day, this relationship that has made them BOTH low functioning outside of their little world of Mommy and Son, which is why neither would make a good partner for anyone else right now.
He needs to learn to put up healthier boundaries between him and his mother. Unfortunately, I doubt this is the first relationship that ended because of this.
You made a wise decision.
You made the right choice this sounds very emotional incesty on their part
You made the right choice.
His mother is co-dependent and probably doesn’t want him to move on with his life.
There would always be 3 people in your marriage.
You deserve a partner who’s present, invested and wants to create their own family with you.
The right decision to break this off NOW. Before there are kids involved (should you want them)….
I think it’s best to rip this bandaid and move on to another relationship.
No, you avoided this like a reasonable and rational person. MIL would be living with you by the end of the year.
God,thank God you didn’t marry the mommas boy,and good for your brother, you escaped a miserable life, be happy and buy your brother dinner, phew