I’m not sure how to fix this or what the exact source of the problem is. I previously had very bad social anxiety (I couldn’t hang out with people without it being miserable and me falling silent) but it has since gotten better by constant exposure. I have a job where I regularly get to talk to customers, coworkers, and I also talk to people at school. I have long-term friends I hang out with when possible.
Since my social anxiety has decreased, my social skills have increased. I am actually able to stay present when talking to someone rather than dissociating and blurting things out from anxiety. Thus, I’m more able to respond genuinely and even crack jokes and be clever. I’m much much better at small talk.
However, even when I’m with my friends who have known me for years (and now I can actually joke with them more, laugh with them more, connect with them more), I feel so alone after. I just feel terrible. I leave conversations feeling empty and depressed. It’s not because I’m alone now that they’re gone. I just become aware of how terrible and empty I felt WHILE talking to them.
E.g. I’m not used to talking to men (I’ve had mostly female friends my entire life, it’s only recently I’ve started hanging out with men and forming friendships). Yesterday, I was talking to a guy I had a bit of a crush on and amazingly, I was able to stay present enough to have an in depth conversation with him despite having some anxiety. It shows how far I’ve come. However, after he left, I felt awful. I felt I had betrayed myself in some way.
It was the same when I saw my best friend. I felt I had a great time. However, after I left, I was struck suddenly by my loneliness and by this terrible feeling like I had betrayed myself or like I didn’t exist.
Perhaps I am not being myself? I still subconsciously expect people to dislike me, so I try to impress them or make them like me. I’m not even sure how to stop doing that. I do feel I have to stay in control when I talk to others or pay attention to how I order the conversation or how I’m acting. I very easily become awkward or say things others find confusing.
It startles me that I sometimes leave my closest friends feeling I’m not heard (even if I’ve been talking) and that I feel invisible and lonely. It scares me that I can’t fix it.
This is how I felt before my social skills improved. I thought that feeling would go away once my anxiety did and I was able to “act like everyone else”. But I still feel the same.
1 comment
I think the depth of the conversations is whats missing. You’ve managed to build a nice little infrastructure of friends. But whats missing is the deeper emotional/intellectual side that it seems you only maybe allow for in romantic settings. You still need someone who tickles your brain. And maybe someone who is emotionally intelligent and able to handle negative emotions as well as positive ones. I don’t know if they will be the same person or not though.
Theres a woman I really care for, I can talk to her for hours and it only feels like minutes. That feeling is very in depth and not something you can easily recreate with everyone. Recognize that feeling is special and to be kind to yourself when this need is unmet because its a hard one to meet.