I (27m) have been called an emotional chameleon/octopus by my friends before, usually meant as a compliment to mean that I can fit into any situation, get along with just about anyone, and mold my personality to fit the people around me.
I’ve been single the past couple years, after a long relationship that covered most of my 20s. In that time, I’d estimate about 75% of my first dates have ended in sex. Now, a lot of that is because I date both men and women; most of the dates with guys end up in sex, most of the dates with girls do not.
The problem is this: on my dates, I can feel myself being a chameleon. I can feel myself performing as their perfect match, adjusting to their personality and complementing it. In my psyche, it’s not about whether they’re suitable for me, but whether I’m suitable for them. And I try to morph into that icon of suitability, whether through sex or just banter or letting them lead the conversation.
After, alone, I reflect. Do I like this person? Do I like the person I become when I’m with them?
Maybe this isn’t a terrible approach. If my own genuine personality is weak enough to morph and fit others, maybe it’s good to be aware and reflect on that. I don’t consider it a bad skill. But I do feel bad when a date goes really well, and potentially ends in sex, and then I reflect on it and don’t like the experience after the fact. It feels like I was lying in the moment—I don’t feel like I am in the moment, consciously, since I usually grapple onto things about the other person that I like, but in hindsight I feel bad.
Is this just what dating is like? Lots of good dates that go nowhere? I have met people I’ve been genuinely into, and it hasn’t gone anywhere for one reason or another, but I hate feeling like I’m wasting people’s time or leading them on when I realize I’m not into them. Any advice?
3 comments
I’m the same way. I don’t really know who I am most of the time. I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m following the thread to read any inputs you get. I’m sure there are many other people that can relate
When I was younger I was more of a chameleon as well. Later I realized nobody knew me, I didn’t even know myself.
The book ‘No more mr nice guy’ showed me a lot of my mistakes.
I would recommend clarifying why it is you date in the first place. Is it for fun? Meeting a long term partner? Hooking up? Asking these questions might help you figure things out.
It’s also important to be careful about what you say to yourself. If you say it often enough, you will start to believe it. If you believe you are an emotional chameleon, then that is how you will remain.
It’s up to you to decide if you are satisfied with the way you are now.