My (40m) partner (34f) just found out that she has to work over the holidays. We’re in a new relationship (8 months-ish).
I moved to a different city for a job and she recently decided to join me, despite the newness of our relationship.
It’s been going okay so far and she just got a job that pays pretty well.
We’ve been planning on spending the holidays with family (both of our families live in another state) but she just let me know that she won’t be able to get as much time off as she thought and therefore won’t travel and wants me not to travel either.
We’d be apart for a total of 5 days and I agreed to come back to spend Christmas with her of fly her out for Christmas and she declined.
She argues that if one of us can’t travel, both of us shouldn’t and that she’d be depressed to know that I’m enjoying myself while she has to work that week.
She’s new to her job and doesn’t have much money saved yet, so I offered to pay for her to fly but she says it’s not worth it and wants both of us to stay put for the holidays.
How do I navigate this?
35 comments
> she’d be depressed to know that I’m enjoying myself while she has to work that week.
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>so I offered to pay for her to fly but she says it’s not worth it and wants both of us to stay put for the holidays. How do I navigate this?
My dude….
> How do I navigate this?
She is being unreasonable. If we made all decisions within relationships by her logic, the world would stop working, and I mean this logic specifically:
> She argues that if one of us can’t travel, both of us shouldn’t and that she’d be depressed to know that I’m enjoying myself while she has to work that week.
We need to be able to allow our partners to enjoy themselves, even if we can’t share in that. I’m happy for my partner when she gets to go on an awesome trip, even if I can’t. Why should I make her suffer because I can’t go?
In your case, you handled it just about perfectly. You made sure you’d still be with her on Christmas AND you made sure you’re able to see your family. This should be considered a win-win situation. She wants you to sit at home while she works, for what?
And honestly, at age 34, I’d hope she understands all this. But despite that, I’d still be as friendly as possible about this, something is causing her to make irrational demands here, and I’d figure out why and approach it from that angle.
“She’d be depressed knowing that I’m enjoying myself while she has to work” ??? Weird and selfish- when either I or my boyfriend have a day off and the other is working, both of us hope the other is having a good day/doing something they enjoy.
You offered the perfect compromise- you’d come back to spend Christmas with her or fly her out when she would be able to come. Sounds like she just doesn’t want to be away from you, which is a red flag. She is working the whole time anyways- you’d be alone? It makes sense that you’d want to take the opportunity when you have time off to see your family. She can decide what she wants/needs to do, but she cannot control what you do- especially given that you have offered solutions. She can’t say “no thanks, but also, stay home with me because that’s fair”…… no….
She moved to be with you. If you supported/encouraged that move, it would be kinda crappy to leave her alone for her first Christmas there. But if you’re willing to come back and spend the holiday with her, then yeah, she’s being unreasonable.
She’s being beyond unreasonable. Go anyway, let her be miserable.
8 months in and she’s trying to control your life 😂😂😂. Good luck.
You’ve got way bigger issues here than holiday trips. Good luck. Red flags abound.
Oh buddy. Drop her. She sounds absolutely miserable to be around. A normal, kind partner would express some disappointment in the circumstances then pull up their big girl pants and wish you well on your holiday trip.
That’s pretty selfish of her.
Not being able to be happy for others shows a lack of empathy and is a red flag…
Red flag.
I’d be thinking about whether to continue this new relationship. Then I’d end it.
Welp this is what happens when you rush into things now you’re seeing the stuff come out that makes you say “hold on”. You offered a perfect compromise and solution and for whatever reason she’s not accepting it. Control issue much here? Dude, what are you doing….
She’s selfish. She should want you to go have fun and want the best for you.
She decided to join you. She decided you can’t travel if she can’t. She is a red flag at full staff.
From her perspective, if she is important to you, you’ll stay. Sounds like you want to prioritize yourself and your family over her. She is not your top priority.
That is fine, and if you weren’t serious, aka living together, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal all. But, she moved for you, so she is all in, and thought you were too. So in her mind, this may doom your relationship. It is what it is.
If you were further along, and married, it would be pretty shitty to leave your wife alone like that around the holidays. She probably just thought you were further in on it than you actually are.
How do you navigate it? Well that is entirely up to you. You decide what you want, and you do that. Don’t worry about what she wants. The pieces will fall into place.
Isn’t there a surgery to make joined at the hip permanent? To make it the most boring relationship possible.
THIS is why she ran after you to a new city. She wants to be in each other’s pockets. Pls reevaluate this relationship with this selfish and childish person. Can you imagine any sane, healthy person telling their partner *”nuh huh, if I’m miserable and lonely, so should you be as well”*. It’s insane. Your family comes 1st. You’re a grown man, don’t be controlled by her
You’ve offered compromises, she won’t budge. Go enjoy your holiday travel, my man. She will be fine without you
Tell her you’ll set aside the following hours (pick what’s best for her) to zoom. Then send a Turkey dinner to her house. Or a pie or whatever. Eat it together, maybe watch it’s a wonderful life together- there are some apps that’ll sync the same film on both devices.
But enjoy your time with your family too. And maybe introduce her – set a seat at the table and put an iPad there, propped. Might be fun.
She’d be depressed because you’d be enjoying yourself while she has to work?
This is not how a caring partner thinks. Be careful of this one, she doesn’t sound like a keeper.
It sounds like she’ll miss you a lot when you leave – which is a comforting thing to have at home. But her trying to control your choice there is weird. You are entitled to go without her seeing as this is such a new relationship. I’d just be firm that family time is important considering its long distance, and just insist on her letting you fly her out so its less time apart. thats such a good compromise so remind her not to be stubborn.
if she refuses to be reasonable, go without her anyways and let her drive herself mad instead of driving you mad.
She’s selfish.
That doesn’t sound healthy. You gave her an amazing offer and she turned it down.
That’s bizarre logic. You can and should travel. The notion that just because your partner is an able to do some thing means that you shouldn’t do some thing is completely illogical. I think it’s worth revisiting this discussion and explaining that, while you understand, she will be disappointed, it’s unreasonable to demand you not go anywhere at all.
How you handle it depends on what you intend to do. If you’re going to travel, you handle it by telling her you’re going to travel. She’s being pretty selfish by trying to keep you from your family, when you’re with her pretty much ALL the rest of the time.
And, it’s likely a test. And, she provided quite a lot of information about herself by creating this as a test.
You have plans, she can’t make it.
You need to decide if she is worth the controlling of your life.
>she’d be depressed to know that I’m enjoying myself while she has to work that week
This would have me run away as fast as I could.
How to navigate…well think about what she said there. How does it feel being together with someone that (at least on this occasion) gets depressed knowing that you enjoy yourself? Really? I think being happy for a partner if they are happy is precious.
Well, you offer a compromise, gets declined by her and a new door to hell opens when she not only decides what she will do but also tries to control you.
Run for your life and happiness. And freedom (to choose) also. Just my opinion, nothing more.
Take good care now and best of luck
You being happy makes her depressed?
WTF is wrong with her?
She sounds spiteful and selfish. Do you really want to be with someone like that?
It is okay to enjoy yourself while she is working. She is being jealous about it. Go to your trip and enjoy yourself a lot
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Are you looking for a relationship where you only get to have fun with her?
If so, this sounds perfect.
Y I K E S
Time to make her an ex. Just in time for the holidays!
Jokes aside, she can’t deal with you being happy while she is working (aka miserable) because she can’t enjoy the same thing? That’s not a good partner. It’s someone selfish and controlling.
She wants you to miss your family because she will miss hers. She doesn’t need a boyfriend, she needs therapy
Cut the weight tied around your feet. Damn!
I work in airline’s industry. I fly as often as I can , with the tribe and without. I take one ,I take the other . Sometimes the kids sometimes the wife. I’ve seen may men stay back , and withhold travel because of their wives, nervousness, anxiety, depression, trust or 101 other issues. Guess what these guys grow old and extremely bitter and resentful to their wives . 100 percent of the time.
I’ve asked them. Do you want to end up like that… missing life and opportunities to enjoy yourself?
She’s controlling tacitly.