My husband & I got married 3 years ago. When I was a teenager I was told that due to medical complications I may never be able to have children but after two years of trying and fertility treatments I’m now halfway through my pregnancy with our miracle baby.
Unfortunately because of some complications I had to cut back on my hours at work (it’s very physical). My husband offered to pick up more hours to compensate, so he has been working a lot more in the past 2 months and coming home later.
I couldn’t see that anything was amiss. Things were the same as they’ve always been. He always brings home flowers, food, things for the baby, coffee, he’s always sending me thoughtful and loving texts through the day. The gaps where he was unreachable were explainable.
But this morning he sat me down and gave me news that rocked me. He told me he’s been having an affair for the past six weeks and that his affair partner just found out that she’s pregnant.
He says that if she decides to keep the baby she’s going to raise it by herself and that they mutually agreed to end the relationship already. He wants to make things right.
I don’t know how things can ever be right again. He just wants to move on from what he is calling his “transgression”.
How do I ever forgive him? How do you deal with the unthinkable? How do I learn to live with the idea that my child’s sibling might be out there somewhere someday? Most importantly, how do I learn to move on like he wants me to?
37 comments
Wow, OP! I’m so sorry you’ve been out in this position while pregnant.
I’d be so pissed that I’d tell him that, “sure, I’ll forgive you for this transgression, but that’s only if I get to have my transgression 6 months after the baby’s born. You’ll have to put that it in writing, too!”
There are a few subreddits that can help. r/supportforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity. Honestly, the way you describe his delivery of the news is that he wasn’t too upset or remorseful. If he’s trying to put it all on your shoulders as far as forgiveness and change, then don’t trust anything he has to say.
You have a right to be angry, hurt, sad, etc. being pregnant can make these feelings even stronger. If you can, talk to a therapist on how to address the situation because you’re the one who needs the support. Tell the husband that he’s paying going to pay for it, too!
He needs to take responsibility for his behavior. Apologizing to your family and to his family for his behavior would be a start for him to show he’s taking responsibility for his behavior. Always remember, he chose to cheat. He could’ve chosen not to, but he didn’t because he was being selfish and it was all about him. If he tries to blame you, walk away from the relationship because he’ll do it again.
Congratulations on your upcoming baby! It’s a special time! I’m so sorry that your @ss of a husband couldn’t respect that.
*How can I move on?* I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to get past it. Cheating once would be enough for me to leave forever. He’s already trying to gaslight you by downplaying it as a transgression. Even worse that he wasn’t using protection with her. He risked getting you AIDS, hepatitis, cancerous HPV and about 100 other diseases. He risked it even more because your immune system is worse when you are pregnant. That asshole put your AND your babies lives to get his dick wet. Let that sink in. That’s not forgivable to me. Cheating is abuse. I guarantee this isn’t the only selfish or abusive thing he’s done. I wouldn’t even be surprised if this wasn’t his first affair. It’s the first one he got caught. He was still bringing flowers home? Like a sociopath with no conscience? There’s a reason that when there’s a 15+ year age gap the divorce rate is up to 95%. Was she even younger than you? Also, I’m sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated like this, ever. You need to get her up evidence and get ready to leave, even if it’s after the baby is born. You really need to have your provider run every sti test they possibly can and as soon as they can get you in. There are many diseases that can hurt the baby in utero.
I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be okay having a baby with a man who just abandoned one.
I would
Dump him
Your husband is a red flag.
You don’t get over a cheating husband. You just don’t.
He’s extremely sure that you will forgive him because he picked you due to your age difference, those 16 years are very telling in this scenario.
The way he talks about his “transgression”…he’s diminishing what he did in a patronising way because he knows that you would probably fold due to manipulation.
You might not feel it that way right now, you’re in it too deep…but he’s a cheater and you shouldn’t forgive him. He probably cheated before and will continue with the cheating after.
Best advice that I can give you?
Run and don’t let anything behind.
I don’t know if you feel comfortable BUT think about your options, specially the ones that will allow you to have a FRESH start without being trapped or linked to a cheater.
It’s hard but nothing will improve with him.
If you were the cheater, he wouldn’t say it was a “transgression”…he would be calling his lawyer and kicking your ass on the street.
Personally, my husband’s infidelity is what ended our marriage. You can have a happier life with you and the baby and send that cheating dirt-bag on his way.
Or, you can try couples therapy. Be sure to find a counselor who specializes in infidelity.
I would be convinced he’d cheat again. He had a hot young woman at home and he cheated anyway. What’s he going to do when you’re sleep deprived and touched out with a baby?
It’s not just his choice. You have a say on this too.
Personally, the baby would get my maiden name & I’d serve him with divorce papers and child support.
first red flag? a 39 year old married a 23 year old. second red flag? he started an affair while you are pregnant. girl… run.
It sounds like he has no remorse and the only reason the affair ended was because she got pregnant. How could you possibly trust a man like him. It sounds like he is minimizing his affair. If she keeps the baby and they still work together, I highly doubt he will completely cut things off. She’ll be in his life from now on. Are you okay with that?
In these situations you have to be SURE that you’re going to stay. That you want to. Because it’s a hard painful slog.
He has to be 100% in putting the work in for reconciliation.
I wouldn’t recommend it. I stayed, but I’m childfree, and you can’t use my method for coping…I became an alcoholic.
Good luck.
I bet it’s not the first time and won’t be the last.
Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.
Never stay with a cheater.
Get him for child support.
>how do I learn to move on like he wants me to?
He’s in no position to be making demands about you moving on from his adulterous choices and the fact that he will be legally obligated to support the child — meaning his choice to rail at least one other woman while married to you now affects both your and your child’s future.
He wants you to “move on”? Too bad, so sad. You don’t have to move on. Call your mom and your best girlfriends, tell them what’s going on, and get their support. Pregnant, stressed and alone is no way to deal with a cheating dickbag. Get your support system in place first. Then decide how to protect your interests and your child’s future.
If he can abandon that child he can do the same to yours.
Forgiveness is hard and adding an affair child to this mix makes it worse. You will never trust him especially if he stays at that job. He can also be gaslighting you and telling you he be involved with that child but you will never know.
Think about yourself. Lean on family and friends. This affair is going to add more stress to an already high risk pregnancy. You will also be more at risk for PPD. Speak to your doctor and try to take it easy.
If you choose to separate stay quiet until your ducks are in a row. Speak to an attorney, separate finances, get valuables and important papers out of the house, and get into therapy.
I wish you a safe delivery and a healthy baby.
It’s a daily occurrence now that we get a post where a girl married a guy 15+ years older than her after meeting at a suspiciously young age, and now he’s cheating after she gets older.
How noble of him and AP to end things /s
First I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Especially after everything you’ve been through. Second, just because he wants to move past this and wants you to too doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t get to decide because he lost any right to do so when he decided to not only start something with his AP but when they didn’t use protection.
I hate to say this but you didn’t suspect anything and he acted completely normal. That truth is broken and I have a feeling it will be extremely difficult to not second guess anymore.
Speak to a lawyer about custody and what not. If you need to, stay with him and get your ducks in a row. Once you’re ready move on from the relationship and divorce him if YOU feel that that is best.
At least learn not to get into relationships with men with that big of an age gap. It’s no surprise that he lies and cheats on you. You are now left with the fallout from being naive. Now wise up and get what’s owed to you and your baby before the money get dispersed to the other family. Get a lawyer.
Faaaaaaaaaake
Call a lawyer.
You move on away from your absolutely creepy predator of a husband 🤮
An entire human is not a transgression. The fact he will also have a kid and be willing to leave it in the dust is pretty fucked up too. He sounds shit all round.
Forgive him? You don’t. I’d be gone so quick, it’s not even a question. I don’t understand how people are willing to gamble on reconciliation, especially with a pregnant partner, it’s such a blatant signal of epic disrespect. He’s not going to suddenly find it after all this time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but the first red flag should’ve been him being in his late 30s nearly 40 when you were in your early 30sz
Tell him you want to call the AP. Get her side. He has been lying to you, so you might as well see what she says.
I however would never be able to trust him again. I would always think he was up to no good. Just look at how well he hid it from you.
I say milk him for everything you need until you are good and healed after you give birth but still keep him at a distance. Then once you are back to work and in a routine you divorce his cheating ass.
23 and 39. Yep that’s all I need to know.
He doesn’t get to have an affair. Get the AP pregnant and then decide you will move on. That’s not how that works.
Wow, he sounds just awful. He’s just abandoning his kid AND expecting you to be happy about that?
Cut ties now. He’s already told you to not expect him to be a parent if it is at all difficult, why tie yourself to him more?
RUN
I would consult with an attorney about your options. Do you have family nearby? If so, I suggest moving in if you have a good relationship with them. He cheated on you while he knew you were carrying his child. He gave zero fucks about your or your child then. And now it’s easy for him to turn his back on his other child. I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheated again.
I suggest regular STD testing. There can be a delayed positive result so keep testing until you are in the clear.
Take care of yourself and your precious baby. Good luck to you.
You now know you’re married to a man who cheated on his wife, and who will abandon his own child for the sake of a relationship.
You get to choose between staying married to the slug, or “just” coparenting with him. Nice of him to give you such awesome options.
Do you have family you can stay with, or who can stay with you after you kick him out?
You deserve so much better. So does your child. My heart goes out to you.
Keep the baby, dump the cheater.
Divorce. Have your baby. File for child support! At least you got your miracle baby and blessing out of this.
If she hadn’t have gotten pregnant, would he have come clean or ended the affair? Most likely not. It’s not an easy situation but IMO I think it’d be easier raising this baby alone than with this man.
If anyone ever finds themselves pregnant and their partner has cheated, do not have sex with them again during the pregnancy. Immediately inform your doctor. You will need to be tested and closely watched. Untreated STDs when pregnant is very dangerous.
Nope, I’d bounce. He can pay child support for 2 kids he doesn’t see because he will try find the next person to manipulate.
I don’t think you would ever trust him again. Get a divorce and file for child support now before his affair partner does.