I’ve heard something like the following advice from numerous sources:
> In order to find a good partner, you need to find someone you feel like you can be yourself with, someone who feels like *home*. When you find a connection like that, attraction will grow. They may not initially seem like your usual type, but that kind of connection will create an attraction of its own.
I’ve heard some form of this advice from my therapist, my friends, therapists who post content online, people on this subreddit, older people in my life — it seems pretty widespread. I’ve always struggled with it because, while it sounds wise, it just hasn’t matched my experience. For me, attraction has always been about a more-or-less instantaneous response to someone’s body; it’s either there the moment I see them or it’s not. This form of attraction can be thought of as shallow because it’s the kind of thing you can feel for someone you’ll never meet (a photo online, a movie star, someone on the street), and in a relationship, it can fade with time as age changes our bodies. Just for convenience, let’s call this Type I attraction.
I’ve always thought it was impossible for Type I attraction to be created by virtue of an emotional connection I have with someone if I don’t feel it initially. It’s either there instantly or it will never be there, barring drastic changes to someone’s body. So I never understood how the advice above could possibly be true.
I think I know what that advice is talking about now: it’s *not* that Type I attraction gets created later on once you’ve developed a strong connection. It’s that there’s a different feeling, a different form of attraction, that can arise for someone you have that deep emotional bond with. It’s a feeling of being deeply drawn to someone, of feeling at home with them, that’s not just a look-at-those-curves caveman-brain response. That doesn’t mean it’s not physical, but it’s not solely a response to physical features. It’s being drawn to someone emotionally and physically because of *who they are*, not just what they look like. Let’s call this Type II attraction.
There’s someone I dated for a couple of months this spring, and we’ve remained friends since I broke it off. I ended things earlier because she’s not my normal physical type, and as much as I liked and admired her, I was worried that down the road, after the honeymoon period wears off, not feeling Type I attraction for her would mean we would lose our sexual connection. I certainly never thought she was *un*attractive — she’s very pretty — but she doesn’t have the specific features that turn my head from across the room.
But after the time we’ve spent together, I’m beginning to feel something else about her. I look at her and feel drawn to her physical features — her smile, her smell, her body — but it’s not quite the same feeling as Type I attraction. I feel drawn to her not because she has the features that normally attract me, but because she’s *her*. I still don’t really feel Type I attraction for her, but I definitely feel Type II. And it’s extremely not platonic. She’ll say something wise or I’ll hear her distinctive laugh and I’ll think — why did I ever think it was possible that I’d not want to go to bed with this woman?
This is a totally new experience for me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt Type II attraction for someone before. Maybe this is what the advice above is talking about? I’ve always assumed that a happy relationship requires Type I attraction. Even if Type I attraction is doomed to fade with time, it needs to be there initially. But maybe I was wrong about that. Can a relationship work if it involves Type II attraction but not Type I?
27 comments
I’d say so! The type 2 attraction is much more stable and provides way more fuel for a relationship long term. Generally some type1 attraction is there from the beginning (and you do say she’s very pretty!) but I don’t think it’s required. I think a lot of friends to lovers stories would only have type 2
Congratulations. I’ve found that, too. It is the way to secure attachment for those of us with wonky nervous systems. It takes a few months of training the brain to shut up about how boring it is; I’d never experienced it before, but recognized how good it could be and became stubborn about not ending it. Very glad I did, now.
Act on it.
You are spot on, you need to jump on this! Wonderful way of describing this. Even as a happily married couple, both me and my husband still experience Type I attraction to other people. We both know that it’s JUST attraction or chemistry and means nothing as far as personality or compatibility. Type I attraction led me to date more than a few men that were not a good fit for me.
I could tell you were a guy because men are very visual and I don’t think it’s wrong to like what you like (if what you’re after is a long term/life partner) but figure out what you want and don’t get distracted by just looks. Don’t date people you are repulsed by but attraction can grow. You may not end up with the hottest person on earth but the right person for you, attraction can grow. I was struggling with this with the person I’m seeing now but they’re such a kind, communicative, sweet person, the attraction is growing more and more.
In an ideal world I’d get it all, a supermodel with brains, a kind heart, matching values etc. And, I’m also okay having it all but the looks which will fade, so long as I’m attracted enough, that can grow. And, with certain people, they make up for it with their playfulness and sensuality and how fun they are in and out of bed (which sometimes with hot people, you just don’t get).
>I ended things earlier because she’s not my normal physical type, and as much as I liked and admired her
I think you ended that too soon, if anything after the honeymoon and solidifying things more is where the attraction grows where you don’t focus on looks as much, whether they were super hot or not to begin with. I’ve been with super hot people that were as interesting as a white wall, actually a white wall is more interesting. I also stayed with super hot people way too long and we both tried to make it work when we were clearly not compatible and if they were not hot, I’d have been out of there so fast.
Also as someone who has chased looks and chemistry in the past, spoiler alert it never worked, I wasn’t looking for the important things and their hot looks and my physical attraction was a distraction from that and tbh, was mostly feeding my ego and need for some sort of status. Something to think about for yourself as well.
Such a cool perspective on this, thanks for sharing!
A friend of mine used to date a sweet, hot and really intelligent ex-Argentinian model with bomb face and figure, we all liked her and she was, actually, a grea girl – I knew that he was more attracted to her physical features than her personality, though. It wore off in a year time.
He then met that short, curvy, stubborn cute-faced blodie girl looking totally opposite to that model with completely different features and demeneour – guess what, they’re 3 years in and getting married soon. Second girl is all about that friendship/home/familiarity bond rather than instincts.
It never made sense to me why he would “settle” with this second girl after the previous bombshell he had – now, it makes sense that on many levels he, actually, upgraded in terms of long-term bond and happiness potential.
fwiw, what you describe as Type 1 and Type 2 attraction are considered Primary and Secondary attraction (I read about it when learning about demisexuality): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality
> Can a relationship work if it involves Type II attraction but not Type I?
I guess it depends on what makes up your attraction algorithm. For example, I consider myself demisexual and am only “truly attracted” to someone if I’m emotionally attracted to them but for me physical attraction is a piece of it too. If I’m not physically attracted to a woman, I wouldn’t consider going on a date with her. But I know some other people would consider going on a date with anyone, regardless of looks. Maybe they’re just saying it just to say it, but I don’t think it’s necessarily _untrue_. Ultimately, how much physical attraction and emotional attraction are taken in account to our entire _attraction algorithm_ is different for each of us. There are some people who only care about physical attraction and they’re not “wrong”, they’re just different than me
also I don’t think necessarily “Type 1” attraction is doomed to fade with time. I think it can change over time, but I think a lot of relationships fail because one or both of the parties stop caring about trying to be attractive…either by getting out of shape, by not caring about how they dress or look, etc. and then the other party becomes unattracted to them, sex stops and there’s a major issue in the relationship. Type 1 attraction can and should always exist throughout a relationship but it requires work…it requires exercise and eating right and trying to look good because, at least to me, sex is always a part of a relationship and if there isn’t sexual compatibility, the relationship is at risk. Type 2 attraction should always be there but same with Type 1 in some form. If I like someone but am not physically attracted to them, we’re not partners, we’re friends
Great post!
It’s nice to see someone THINKING about attraction, dating and mating… and sorting things out in a written format.
Your Type I Type II thinking is interesting I don’t follow all your logic but if it works for you go with it.
The only thing I would add is plenty of people have a normal Type they always seem to date. Those Types seem to have the same relationship arc (an arc like – attraction, dating, boredom, end). Your therapist and other advice people seem to be indicating that your normal relationship arc is driven by the past type of woman you date. Maybe. Maybe not. What is happening is that your initial attraction is NOT leading to long term coupling.
I would say if your desires now are more long term coupling with a partner. You need to concentrate on not repeating the cycle that has led to attraction then discards in the past. It’s possible with this new woman you CAN have a longer term thing. But most likely YOU need to FIX YOU and your apparent problems with long term coupling.
If this woman has had long term relationships in the past perhaps she can help you do this. And maybe THAT is the Type II attraction you are feeling – the attraction to a partner who knows how to have a long term relationship. Good Luck
You are correct. Type I is typically there from the start while Type II is acquired through diet and lifestyle. Both need to be managed with medication.
I’m not a conventionally attractive woman.
I’ve dated a couple of guys from a culture where arranged marriage is common. I’ve found these men much more likely to compliment my soul.
I told one of them that I’m more interested in who someone is as a person as opposed to looks and he said something like “good. Physical attraction is just a chemical reaction, it fades and looks can change.”
I wonder if it’s something that’s taught more in a culture where you might not have a “type 1” attraction to your spouse, that “type 2” attraction- the kind that can grow, is the important type of attraction.
Anyway, if I had to label it I’d say I’m on the demisexual spectrum of things. I’ve never understood the idea of being attracted to someone based primarily on the way the look so I can’t relate! But it’s just something that came into my head when reading your post.
you’re growing up
I would add a third type, or maybe it’s a subset of your type 1, but not really the same. Your type 1 seems to be 100% based on appearance (as you said you can get it from just looking at a picture). My type 3 is when I meet someone (that I wouldn’t even necessarily find very attractive from a picture… or OLD profile) and there’s just something about them that draws me in. That’s what I call a spark or click or chemistry. It was there from the beginning with all my serious past relationships, even though some started platonically. It’s not really sexual, it’s just like… There’s something about this person that makes me want to spend more time with them and I think about them when we’re not together. I don’t get that feeling just because someone is really good looking and physically my type. I’ve turned down second dates with guys who were really hot but I just didn’t feel a click during the date (your Type 1). On the other hand, I’ve gone on to multiple dates or relationships (and really good sexual chemistry) with guys that I don’t really find objectively very attractive just based on a picture. I always say that I wouldn’t swipe right on my ex husband or my recent ex-bf of 6 yrs based on their OLD profiles.
This is what makes online dating so challenging for me. Liking a profile doesn’t mean there will be a click in person, and I know I’m passing on profiles where there would be a click in person, but there’s no way to tell which ones those are.
I’ve tried to go on second dates with guys who were nice and reasonably attractive but didn’t have the click, and it didn’t build for me. I can’t exactly give any random person a few months of my time to see if it will come. So now I just see how I feel the next day – am I thinking about them and want to see them again? Or were they a good date but forgettable?
Yeah, I can’t relate to “type 1” attraction. It’s not a thing for me. I’ve never been physically attracted to a person I didn’t know, including celebrities and nude bodies… no reaction whatsoever. Doesnt matter body type or gender. Nothing. There’s someone I’ve been with that I was around every day for over a year whose features I never even noticed until we started speaking. Now he can just *exist* and I’ll be eyeballing everything from the way his eyes bend with certain moods to the way he stands.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m going to assume “type 1” is some kind of biological imperative to reproduce that I just don’t have lol
A cautionary tale if I shall – I had a boyfriend a long long time ago, admittedly I was an older teenager turning into a baby adult so perhaps I was missing a certain level of maturity, but we’ll never know.
Anywho, I initially did not have any sort of “Type I” attraction towards him, however, “Type II” blossomed and Type I then followed to a certain extent, kind of how you describe your attraction to the lady in your post. However, when we started to drift and the Type II attraction faded, so did the Type I attraction and towards the end, sexual contact became pretty unpleasant for me. I’ve always wondered that if an independent Type I attraction had been there, perhaps that would’ve left some fuel on the fire to kindle Type II attraction again, but alas, we just burned out.
Since then, I always promised myself that I should date people that I have at least some form of Type I attraction to, that is independent from my Type II attraction to them. YMMV, but just thought I’d share – best of luck 🙂
My experience is that Type I drives lust and Type II drives love. While the systems are in some ways redundant, I think that redundancy is really helpful for having a healthy relationship. For example, like you said, partners can get old or gain weight and Type I fades, so you can rely on Type II. Sometimes your partner can hurt you without meaning to or otherwise do something silly and that can make Type II go away for awhile. If you know you want to keep the relationship, it’s good to be able to lean on Type I for a bit here while you build back up together.
I have tried to have relationships based purely on Type II and those have inevitably devolved into close roommate-type situations when the relationship went through a tough spot, ultimately leading to breakups. But ymmv.
Really well said! I’ve begun to experience Type II attraction with the guy I’ve been dating for a couple months and have never had this with anyone before. I thought he was handsome from the get-go but he wasn’t my “typical” physical type and I’m so glad I went outside of my normal patterns because I’m unbelievably attracted to him now both physically and who he is as a person.
The difference in this relationship thus far and ones I’ve had before is really incredible. I’d say don’t pass up the opportunity to date this woman if you’re attracted to her as a whole person. That Type I attraction continues to grow from there and is truly amazing.
I don’t think I feel type I attraction at all. At least not in a physical sense. I can appreciate people looking good and being aesthetically pleasing, but I don’t find it attractive. There’s a very big difference between someone being good looking and someone being attractive to me, and that’s 100% personality.
I’m only able to find people sexually attractive if I’m interested in them, if I know them, if I think they’re ‘my type of person’ in terms of my ability to talk to them, to laugh with them, to be playful with them, to debate themselves, if they can teach me something. It’s a multifaceted thing I have no idea how to explain exactly. I’ve never had a celebrity crush or anything like that, since I can appreciate some of them being good looking, but since I don’t know them as people, I can’t imagine or patron wanting anything of a sexual nature with them.
The reason I’m into my boyfriend is because he’s an amazing person I really enjoy. I like him so damn much, on top of also being in love with him. I think the fact I like him so much is part of the attraction, and part of what makes him go from a good looking man with an impressive physique, to a drop dead mind melting, heart stopping hottie for me. I go weak in my knees when he smiles at me.
I’ve pretty much only dated men I never had a strong physical attraction to and it’s never turned out for me. it could be that I didn’t like them in the relationship, and this is also true (we grew apart instead of closer as time went on), but I found myself getting less attracted instead of more. aka I’ve never experienced this type 2 attraction revelation (and honestly I’m over attempting to, physical attraction is honestly the first thing I pay attention to now bc I want to date someone I feel attracted to physically).
That’s an interesting perspective, and I think I’m currently in your former boat of type 1 attraction being a prerequisite.
Of course, I’ve met almost all the women I’ve dated in recent years through dating apps, which skew almost exclusively to type 1 attraction. It’s undeniable that the apps have changed the landscape completely, and I think that change is rooted in type 1 attraction. And we have so many options, so why should someone invest themselves in one person online when the next is merely a swipe away? The pace and intensity have also changed, for better or worse—food for thought.
Congratulations on finding someone who you feel type 2 attraction for! May we all be so lucky someday.
For me, this switch just came with maturity and, after defeating cancer, I fully realized that nothing physical is ever guaranteed. That initial burst of attraction you’re referring to is more lust than anything else. I think as we age, we tend to place more value on the emotional and intellectual (rather than physical) aspects bc those are the real indicators of a long-lasting relationship. Beautiful people are a dime a dozen. Emotionally intelligent people seem increasingly rare. What you’re experiencing now is more akin to what I consider romantic love.
Edited for typos.
So this type II attraction is legit how attraction always used to work for most people I’d say. It’s a beautiful thing, and you should continue to lean into it/embrace it.
Far from the standard, the type I attraction probably has come to predominate the current scene because of social media and dating apps, which privilege shallow, homogenous standards of physical attraction. We’re all too happy/willing to lean it, and naturalize it. (I say this as someone who probably scores decent enough for other people in type I attraction lol)
Type II is a much better set up for a sustainable relationship and love. Type I is good for hook-ups, I guess, and getting an ego boost when you get the sense that someone feels a type I attraction to you. Which is going to make you happier in a more durable, interesting, and rewarding way?
I want a partner I can be myself around n not pretend to be a woman I am not
Yes. And the shocker is your relationship will be STRONGER. Because your attraction is now based off things that don’t fade with time. Don’t mess this up OP! This is what everyone is looking for.
Welcome to the other side. It rocks. 🥳
As a female here, I’ve always experienced both type I and II attraction. It just depends on the context. My first relationship and guys I’ve met on apps, rarely any of them are based off of type I attraction. Most of them are from type II.
I personally think type II attraction is significantly longer lasting because you truly love the person who they are rather then their physical appearances. We all grow old and at one point, you have to love the person for who they are and not how they look. But my understanding is men and women function different. For most men, they need to feel some sort of physical attraction in order to pursue the relationship. For women, that is the case for some, but most of us are aware that we are not wired that way. Perhaps it’s due to biological aspects as well, such as child bearing, that make us more cognizant of other factors in a partner. For women, most of us at one point in our lives realize that as we develop stronger emotional connection with someone our physical attraction also increases for them whether we had the initial attraction/spark or not.
For the few guys I was interested in on the dating apps, I was not very interested in their appearances as they were not my type. However, it is their values, personality, and such that I was attracted to that eventually led me to being interested in them.
I’m glad you discovered this though because I think that’s a start to a very healthy relationship!
I suspect as time progresses you’ll merge your “Type I” and “Type II” attraction and just call it attraction. Attraction is about so much than looks. And yes, in my experience your “Type II” is not only enough, but usually far more powerful than “Type I” given time.
I feel like you need to watch the movie Shallow Hal.
The short answer is yes. Just like you can have a Type I without a Type II attraction.
>She’ll say something wise or I’ll hear her distinctive laugh and I’ll think — why did I ever think it was possible that I’d not want to go to bed with this woman
To me this is attraction in a sentence. Relationships are complex – it’s not just hey she’s hot okay let’s go. Or hey she’s super smart or charismatic. That’s why it’s dating – you’re figuring out if the depth of your attraction to that person can sustain time + obstacles.
I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t to date someone who developed a type II attraction as you described it. If someone told me this is how they were attracted to me, I’d break it off instantly. It’s very damaging to be in a situation where your partner isn’t actually physically attracted to you. The feeling is immediately apparent on both ends. I contend that physical attraction is *always* important, and you can have physical attraction while also liking someone as a person, so you should strive for that.