My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, living together for ~6 months. Unfortunately I have had to have 3 different surgeries this year alone, and my boyfriend promised he would support me, but I don’t think what he’s been doing is good enough.
I have been off work collectively for about 2 months, unpaid since I work a casual position in healthcare and am a full time student. My boyfriend works at a retail cannabis store, and he doesn’t know how to manage his money, so I’ve been left to pay for pretty much everything except for his share of rent. I’ve burned through almost all of my savings and am at risk of homelessness, but my boyfriend just keeps brushing off my concerns. He can’t support me financially while I’ve been suffering from multiple health issues, if anything he has made my finances worse during this time. Am I expecting too much by thinking he should be supporting me financially?
The other main issue for me right now is the “help” he has given me while I’ve been recovering. He is generally a lazy person who doesn’t clean and when he’s home he pretty much just sits around and smokes cannabis while playing video games. He took a few days off to “help” me right after my surgery, not sure why as he basically just laid in bed annoying me while playing video games. During the last two weeks I think he has done one small load of laundry? I couldn’t even find a pair of clean underwear to wear to my doctor’s appointment today. Besides this he has done the dishes maybe every other day and has changed my cats litter once. Everything else (floors, counters, bathroom, etc) has not been touched for over two weeks now. During my first two surgeries he did absolutely nothing but sit around and complain when I asked him to make me something to eat, so I guess he has been ever so slightly better this time around but I still don’t think that’s good enough?
I grew up with an OCD father who kept a spotless house, he was also an incredibly hard worker. The rest of my relatives are super tidy and hard workers as well, so living in a dirty environment is driving me crazy. My boyfriend’s family is also like mine, so I am confused as to why he is the total opposite when I know he wasn’t raised this way.
Every time this has happened he promises me he will be better and he’ll change, but here we are. I’m pretty much numb at this point, and I don’t believe anything he says either so I’m not overly shocked that he has remained almost the same. At this point I feel like he is a child that I need to take care of/clean up after/pay for everything for, even when I’m supposed to be on bed rest and have been going into debt. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything.
I believe my expectations of him were the bare minimum a regular adult should do every day, but please correct me if I’m wrong. All I wanted was for him to keep the house ACTUALLY clean so it didn’t stress me out, and to support me financially (or even just not asking me for money would have been nice!). He has failed at both of these things and every time I try to communicate this with him he immediately jumps to how he’s been “so much better” this time around, my reply was simply “look around the house.”
I don’t want this to end because I love him and we have an amazing connection that I’ve never felt before, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore. I know I could eventually find a partner who actually supports me physically and financially, so I’m torn. Should I lower my expectations and realize this is how he is? Or should I keep working towards changing him. Or should I just leave. I’m just so tired, and I am starting to feel very resentful.
TL;DR! – my boyfriend lays around being unproductive 90% of the time and complains whenever I ask him to help me physically or financially while I’ve been off work recovering from multiple surgeries
7 comments
How does love make it okay for him to ignore you and blow off your needs?
And why is it on you to fix him and not on him to grow up and be a partner?
i saw this in a meme but it’s applicable here – is his potential in the room with us right now?
you and your partner may love one another, but that’s the easy part. do you actually jive together when it comes to living together, sharing responsibilities, etc? it doesn’t sound like it. you deserve to find someone who will meet you at 100%.
It should not be on you to “change” him. And someone who says they will change but reverts almost immediately back to their previous behaviour does not want to change. This is a perfect example of how love is not enough to actually sustain a relationship long term.
In the 4 months between when you moved in and when you started surgeries, how was he acting then? Was he still refusing to pay his full share, refusing to participate in basic house upkeep, and treat you like an overbearing parent when you expect things?
I internally cringe reading “but I love him/her” at the end of a post after the OP pretty much gave a dissertation on all the reasons they’re completely incompatible. Don’t feed into the hype…love truly does NOT conquer all.
You make him sound horrible. What confuses me the most is why a full time healthcare student would even consider dating a cannabis worker. You should tell him how you feel and ask him what he thinks should happen. Maybe even ask him what he considers fair to expect from him. Don’t forget to keep in mind that you may be seeing things very differently than him.
If you want a point of comparison I had minor surgery 2 years ago. My husband helped me off the toilet and helped me shower. Did all the housework. Made all the meals. Brought me endless cups of tea. He was happy to do it as he wanted me to rest.
I’d say break up, as he’s not going to change.