I’m looking for guidance. My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years. About a year in, we hit a rough patch. Trust issues developed over things he did and we’ve been working through things. He’s actually participated in couples therapy with me. I feel like he’s putting in the effort to make things right. Until recently…
Long story short: he has picked up DJing as a hobby. He went to go interview for a position at a club without discussing it with me at all. He came home and told me he got offered the position, and I later found out it was going to be at a *strip* club. I am not comfortable with this because 1. His history with being disloyal 2. I don’t want part of that lifestyle. He’d be working every weekend on top of his full time job, our until 4am, drinking, around groups of people I don’t want a part of. This all happened over a month ago.
I expressed how I felt and he agreed it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship and that he wouldn’t accept the job. I found out today that he never told the club this, and they’re under the impression he’s a resident DJ there. He messaged them saying he’s free to start this week.
He never told me any of this and I feel blindsided. He’s now telling me that he isn’t going to take it, but he didn’t want to tell them yet because he’s afraid he’ll lose out on other opportunities if it gets around the DJ community he declined the offer. He said he was planning on messaging them in private (not the group chat) and just hasn’t gotten around to it. He also is saying he’s going to tell them the reason he declined it because of me.
I feel super annoyed and frustrated that he hasn’t been honest.
How do we proceed with this?
Tl;dr my bf told me he didn’t accept an offer for a job, but then I found out he did.
7 comments
Uhhmmmm yeah he was not planning on declining it makes no sense to do it last minute like that makes it better. I think he was planning on just going and dealing with you later. He clearly doesn’t respect you and I think a breakup is overdue. I thought this post was gonna be about an office job and I was prepared to be like wow thats really inconsiderate to not tell your GF of two years, but it’s AT A STRIP CLUB. And he CHEATED?? Yeah no. There’s nothing worth salvaging here imo
It’s one thing for him to take a job that you don’t feel comfortable with. That’s a conflict between two valid perspectives, and would take some honest and respectful conversation to be able to understand each other and find common ground on an outcome that works for both of you. But…
>I expressed how I felt and he agreed it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship and that he wouldn’t accept the job… He messaged them saying he’s free to start this week.
…It’s another thing that he blatantly backed out of an agreement that he made with you. I can understand how that makes it very difficult to trust him in his new wave of promises and reassurances. If he can’t recognize how the way he’s acted so far has affected you, I’m not sure how much progress you’re going to make with him on holding him accountable on his new plans.
…And that’s on top of the existing distrust you seem to already have about his past cheating.
I’m genuinely wondering whether a DJ has TIME to do shady shit when they’re working. Like from a labor perspective. Is he getting tipped out? Are they giving him breaks? Shift meal?
like my hunch is that it’d be super weird and counterproductive for strippers to seek out the dj for attention because they’re AT WORK and they need to maximize tips. I don’t think they’re gonna hand out a free bj in the back for ya boy but I could be wrong.
now would I be worried he’d spend too much money there on drinks and shit and end up taking home like $3/hr and being a total trash goblin on the weekends who doesn’t have energy for anything? Absolutely. Thats way more of a problem imo.
You’re expecting honesty and transparency from someone who has previously shown you they lack in those areas.
Why are you trying to polish this turd into 24k gold?
If he is going to cheat, he doesn’t need a DJ job at a strip club to do that. You either trust him or you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him then, why are you with him? Does he need the money? Is he doing it for fun? Does he want to switch careers? Have you made plans to get married?
Guys cheat when partner isn’t taking care of them. But some guys will cheat regardless, in which case he’s probably already been cheating if he’s in that category.
You could be supportive of a guy wanting to work more to make more money
OP, please stop kidding yourself. He’s still lying to you. Taking the DJ job at the strip club is him setting himself for the next opportunity to be disloyal, and excuse it as had too much to drink and one thing led to another. Don’t tell him you are uncomfortable anymore. He knows and doesn’t care. Tell him it’s ok to go to his new job. If you live together, move out while he is “at work”. If you don’t, and you have stuff at his place casually start taking stuff home this week. Put his stuff in a box and leave it at his place while he is at work DJing. Leave him a note, and tell him that you are happy for him that he gets to do what he loves (DJing or other women…take your pick) but what he wants for his life is not what you want for yours. You don’t need to be made to feel guilty, because he wants to be out there doing whatever. You have already wasted 2 years on him, are you really going to continue wasting you life away waiting for him to do right by you?
I stopped at DJ. not really but you should get out.