First, I should note that it has always been this way. Second, I spoke with her about it a few years ago. For about a month or so, she made some efforts to touch me. Afterwards, I gave subtle hints like “I really liked it when…” but I don’t know…I guess I want her to want to.
I long to give her pleasure, often give her oral sex and/or use toys. She orgasms uncontrollably during foreplay. But when it comes to sex, she just lays there and receives it. Often she seems to enjoy it, but her lack of participation makes me feel like she’s uninterested. I’m not well endowed, only average – hence the reason I give so much effort into foreplay. I just want her to be interested in me…to touch me.
It’s painful to write this. Thank you for taking time to read.
31 comments
You seem so open with what you want, which is really great. I think you should keep the dialogue open on her end and keep asking her (in a chill way) what she likes, and what she wants from you next, it’s possible that you’ll start to mesh if she feels more open. Lots of people have to learn how to have good sex and maybe she needs you to teach her. Or, maybe there’s something else going on that’s causing her to not participate. Maybe a direct, yet gentle question may open her up. Don’t assume she knows what turns you on every after all these years.
If she’s going “Starfish” on you, maybe you need a change of venue. Bend her over the back of the sofa, or good, old fashioned kitchen table sex.
If subtlety isn’t working, you should try a direct approach. Don’t make it weird. Just say what you want.
Any childhood trauma? Bad relationships before you? Only one conversation about it in 20 years? Does she have any interest in seeing a therapist?
“If she wanted to, she would.”
I would reframe your thinking – foreplay is part of sex. A big penis does not help women orgasm or feel more pleasure all of the time.
Maybe encourage her to do foreplay with you too? Maybe encourage her to not orgasm until you are inside her sometimes? Once I orgasm I’m often done with sex so if she is orgasming before you get your pleasure going that could be the issue.
I wonder if you all could also open up her finishing you off in other ways that are not Penis in vagina sex.
She honestly may just be lazy. I sometimes notice I just lay there and don’t do much…, but it’s not cus I’m not enjoying it, I’m lazy lol
I’m amazed at this many replies and no one has even said the “M” word yet. She’s menopausal dude. Most women have a sudden decrease in interest when their hormones are suddenly lower. She might be getting dryer and intercourse more painful. There are a lot of treatments, most commonly topical estrogen which is a life saver, but if I’m right, sex will probably never be as good as it was.
I’d recommend some reading for the both of you. The book Come as You Are is a great place to start.
this is probably just the behavior she knows and feels comfortable with. it takes effort and some confidence to be fully engaged in intimacy. you will probably have to express to her the importance of what you feel. i know you want her to *want* to, but assuming she wants and loves you, which it sounds like she does, she will want to change to benefit you in this way.
When she’s laying there, roll her over so she’s sitting on top of you, then put your hands under her thighs and lift and lower, lift and lower, hopefully she’ll start bouncing on her own.
You are not alone brother ..30 years in the same bag here. 53 and menopause has arrived.
Luckily I’m a very, too very, understanding man. So … nothing since before the summer.
Talk to a sex positive therapist together.
You said it has always been so. It may just be who she is.
I dated a woman like that for a few years. Eventually discovered a few kinks that really turned her on and things got much better after that. Maybe ask her what would get her hot and bothered.
Could it be that she has performance anxiety? Like she’s scared of making a fool of herself, be rejected, criticized?
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Have you tried talking to her about it?
Actually, not many women can orgasm in PIV, but they certainly can with clitoral stimulation! I’m glad you’re willing to do foreplay to provide orgasms for your wife, you’re a good man! Keep on doing this !?
Forget about penis size, it is overrated in my opinion. I don’t think she’s uninterested, maybe just … Complacent? You said you’ve been together over 20 years and that’s a long long time to get to know someone’s body. Have you had a conversation with her about spicing things up in the bedroom, trying new things together? ? Make it clear that she’s not boring you, but you’re afraid of boring her.
Buddy… over 20 years. 20. Plus. Years. Like what do you think is going to magically change at this point? Why didn’t you discuss this prior to getting married? You said you brought it up a few years ago, so at a minimum, for 15 years she was under the impression star fishing was fine. Now you want to change it up. That’s kind of on you as you knew what you were getting into and chose to accept it.
You can attempt to have more discussions around it, but at the end of the day you are the one changing expectations, not her.
41 years with my wife. I could have written this word for word. I have found that while my wife enjoys sex and orgasms multiple times during foreplay, her love language is not a physical touch. And she is a people pleaser. So she doesn’t want to initiate in fear of doing something wrong, which I’ve told her isn’t possible, but It’s hard to convince someone with deep-rooted feelings. I’m glad I can make her happy, even ecstatic during sex, but sometimes I just feel unwanted.
I’m not sure how adventurous you both are with positions, but that might be a start?! She can’t starfish if she isn’t flat on her back. There’s also things like a bullet or other stimulators. I’m not sure if she’d be open to visiting a sex therapist, but if not you can get all sorts of like position books and play position roulette each time. It’s fun and might get her out of her head a bit more.
How comfortable are you both with talking about sex? The fact that this has been happening for 20 years shows this is what she thinks sex is supposed to be like.
There could be a lot of reasons for this. Penetrative sex could be painful and she’s hiding it. Maybe she’s embarrassed and doesn’t know how to behave. Maybe she’s lazy because penetrative sex isn’t pleasurable for her—and that has nothing to do with size! Don’t feel bad about that. Some women don’t feel any pleasure from penetrative sex. It’s the same place a baby comes out of—there’s not a lot of nerves in the vagina to begin with, or else childbirth would be excruciating.
It could be the length of time spent in penetrative sex vs foreplay. How long is the penetration going on for? I have a friend who endures 45min sessions of just pounding, during which she feels no pleasure at all. In fact, it’s painful. So yeah, she’s unenthusiastic about sex.
Does she feel comfortable telling you what she likes and doesn’t like? Most women lie for some reason lol. Theyve been conditioned to feel a lot of shame about what they like or feeling pleasure at all. A lot of women are adept at faking orgasms. Which is all completely awful and unfair for the man.
It sounds like you really care about her pleasure. You sound like a great partner. She might have unresolved issues and trauma from just being a woman and existing as a sexual object for male consumption that has nothing to do with you. It can come from how important women in her life have talked about sex to her, often before she met you. This all affects a woman’s ability to “perform” during sex.
In general, it helped me to realize that we don’t have to enjoy sex at the same time. We’ve completely separated our orgasms—mine during foreplay, and his during penetration. I try to act like i enjoy penetration, but sometimes it sucks and is painful lol. I still try to make it a good experience for my husband. He gets I’m trying. I show physical affection, lust, etc. for him in other ways so he feels desired still. I try to act like im REALLY enjoying sex, but given how much I genuinely hate penetrative sex, you best believe I’m being a starfish 😂 a very passionate enthusiastic starfish, but still a starfish. That’s what works for us. That’s our compromise.
In general, I think 20 yrs is WAY too long to go without actively talking about what you like and don’t like. Your feelings seem very hurt, understandably, and that sucks because likely she has no idea how much this is bothering you. She can’t change something if she doesn’t know how much this means to you. It could be because she’s fighting her own demons secretly from you, just as you’re fighting this demon discretely from her. It could be lack of imagination on her part (what sexual media does she consume, if any?), it could be boredom, it could be that she’s a pillow princess, etc etc.
The real problem here is you need to feel sexually desired. You need to communicate kindly that you dont feel desired, and together, you need to talk about potential solutions. Maybe starfish sex is all she feels comfortable with, but she can make you feel desired in other ways during sex at different times, or throughout your daily lives. Be open to creative solutions.
And you guys need to be talking about sex waaaay more than every few years. Problems during sex need to come up more—my husband and I talk about it every time lol. If you communicated something very painful for you a few years ago and she only made changes for a month, this means you guys are not talking about it enough. She doesn’t know how important this is to you. She just doesn’t. For you, it must have taken a lot of courage. For her, it probably barely registered.
If she loves you, then she wouldn’t treat you like this if she understood your pain. She is likely ignorant. So your job is to help her understand. And then her job is to try to make you feel desired, and if she has reasons that make that difficult, you both can work thru it together as a team.
Does she feel sexy? I used to be an animal in bed and on top was my favorite position until my ex-husband told me I needed to lose weight because I was no longer attractive. I went from feeling confident to just wanting to hide under his body with the lights off during sex. I’m not saying you have done anything egregious, but maybe she has long term performance anxiety she needs to deal with.
Honestly, you might be wrong she might just be lazy in sex. I am like that too most of the time I just lay there 🥲 it does help when my husband changes positions then I get more touchy and creative. But try doggy and change position a few times and if she is too lazy to change the position then you got your answer she is lazy. I am trying to work on it! I love sex and masturbrate everyday even if I have sex. So it’s not like I have low sex drive and my husband is great in bed but I am just lazy. I enjoy our sex life a lot. So she might be feeling the same.
You knew she was a dead fish 20 years ago. They don’t get less dead they rot.
Have you tried turning her over ?
Why did u overlook it for soo long?
She’s been starfish for 20 years and now you realize it’s an issue ??? Genuine question, how have you dealt with that for 20 years 😭 like I’m genuinely wondering and mean no ill intent. 20 years is crazy man.
You need some new moves.
It might be that she is just having sex because you want it not because she does. I would talk to her about it. Her libido might be low. She cares enough about you to have sex even when she doesn’t want to but I can understand not wanting to have sex with her if she’s not going to enjoy it. Communication is key. I’d ask her why she’s not getting into it as much as she used to
Try a different position. Also, be specific about what you would enjoy and then be adoring when she responds.