For background, we first started talking about the possibility of marriage/engagement only two months ago, although we had been dating for over a year by that time. Not only had we not talked about marriage, but we hadn’t talked about any details whatsoever about a future together. Neither of us have been married before.
I had been hesitant to bring up the future with her because I knew I wasn’t sure yet, so she was the one who finally brought it up 2 months ago. I discovered that she is 100% ready to get married, and she discovered (to her great disappointment) that I was still unsure. She had assumed I would be 100% ready. Furthermore, she told me that she wanted to get married by this coming February because her mom would be visiting soon from out of the country and would be heading back home in February. So the time from which we first started discussing marriage (August) to her ideal marriage date (February) leaves only 6 months for me to make up my mind, get engaged, plan the wedding, and have the wedding. The main reason she gives for insisting on a rapid timeline is concern over her biological clock. Both of us do want to have kids.
I was completely freaked out and caught off guard by her proposed timeline. I’m a very analytical person, a classic overthinker and prone to heavy anxiety over big decisions. I told her my ideal timeline would be to get engaged by February, not married. I felt this would give us enough time to thoroughly discuss our future before getting engaged, and enough time for me to feel comfortable about the decision.
Neither of us have been willing to bend on our ideal timelines. I still feel like I need more time. She believes I’ve had plenty of time to make up my mind, not only from the 2 months we’ve been talking about it, but also due to the prior year+ that we were dating but not talking about it. While both of us have been trying to assert our preferred timelines, one difference is that I’ve at least tried to express empathy and my understanding of her needs, while I can’t recall any time she has expressed any empathy for my needs on this topic.
On Monday we met up and she told me that she can’t bear to wait any longer for me to decide, so she issued an ultimatum for the end of this week to decide whether to break up or to commit to the February marriage. I’ve been in an anxiety-ridden, depressive state all week from the pressure. I definitely don’t feel ready to make a decision, but I also don’t want to miss a chance on what could potentially be a great future with her, just because I was being indecisive. I also don’t want to hurt her.
Any advice on how best to navigate this ultimatum? Do you think she’s right that I should have been able to decide by now? I appreciate any advice, including if there is some way to navigate this situation while honoring my need for more time, and her need for a decision.
**TLDR:** My girlfriend and I (both never married before) waited for over a year to finally talk about marriage. When we finally did (two months ago), we discovered she is 100% ready, and I am still unsure. She insists that we need to be married by February, I’m asking for more time. On Monday she said she can’t wait any longer and gave me an ultimatum that by the end of this week I need to make my decision (commit to a February marriage, or break up).
45 comments
Her ultimatum is not healthy, but if I was 39 and wanted kids I wouldn’t wait more than a year for my partner to decide if he was serious or not.
Say yes, or break it off. Those are the choices. Seems pretty cut and dried. We planned and executed a wedding in four months, so time’s not the barrier you think it is.
Sometimes waiting six months to make a decision is too long. If you hit the discussion hard you can do all the talking you need in a month. Then if during that month you decide you’re not ready you two part ways.
Well shit why don’t you guys start talking about what your future looks like? Finances, religion, kids (number of kids, private or public school, parenting values, stay at home parent or nanny?), retirement plans, dream house, plans for elderly parents, lay it all out. You’re asking for time to discuss your future but why aren’t you actually having those conversations yet???? That’s obviously the only solution here. If you don’t align, then it’s a no and you’re not wasting any more time. If it all aligns, then cool you all figured it out early. I would also ask to do a trial of living together for a month before a proposal to see what that’s like. If she can give you an ultimatum, you can give one too
If you’ve been together for a year and can’t say this is the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, let her go so she can find the right person. I understand not wanting to rush the wedding but if you’re not sure today and you are freaking out, you won’t be sure a year from now.
I don’t care for ultimatums but I can’t really blame her. 39 and you both want kids. Perhaps consider a couples councilor /pre marital counseling to help even the playing field and have them opine on the ultimatum here and help you guys talk about any concerns / issues.
She is in her late 30s. How long did you think you’d have? If she wants kids her biological clock is not just ticking – it is a screaming siren. After dating a year at this stage you two should know eachother well enough to know whether you two are compatible and whether marriage is something that you want.
She wants you to shit or get off the pot because she sees 40 around the corner and wants to create a life with someone. If you do not want that, please let her know ASAP so she doesn’t waste more time with you. Time is NOT on her side when it comes to having children at this point.
Both of us do want to have kids+I am still unsure at 42 never married=you DON’T want kids and want her to be your childless loveslave until she’s barren. She shouldn’t waste a day and should get a sperm donor. PS-it’s hushhush in the US but sperm quality declines too. Your biological clock isn’t on your side either.
In less than two years *your* probability of having a kid with autism goes up three and a half times. Your quality of Sperm went down three years ago. Her chances of getting pregnant naturally go down every 6 months. This is quite literally also probably your last shot to have a family and kids. You are lucky to have anyone at your age bracket. Its now or never. You will regret her walking away, way more than you will regret having a chance at a family. If you were thinking about marriage this early in a relationship, you must be pretty serious about her. Maybe you could get some therapy to deal with the anxiety?
Op, I’m sympathetic. But you are 43 and she is 39. It is not surprising that she should have expectations that you will figure out your compatibility much sooner than if you were younger.
Think about what you want to know that you do not already. What do you need to discuss?
What information do you not have? Do you seem like in general you can resolve differences? Her unwillingness to compromise on this seems like a problem but is she like that on everything?
Do you agree on the big values of your lives? Basic approaches to money, priorities, family, activities, moral values, charitable giving, religious beliefs?
You might want to go through a pre-marital counseling course where they walk you through these questions.
Then really ask yourself- why could I not make a decision about this today? Do I have legitimate concerns? Am I just slow to decide?
If you can figure out the decision making, then just plan a small courthouse wedding with a few people. You can always have a bigger celebration later.
I’m sure others will have different advice. You are in a bind, I’m sure.
You’re in your 40s, she’s almost there, you’ve been together a year. It’s not outrageous for her to bring up marriage or move on. Especially if she’s not childfree. She’s being a little abrupt about it, but honestly I’m not entirely surprised if you come across like the post that she’s wanting to push you to make a decision.
What makes you not know if you want to get married? Why are you wanting a large time between getting engaged and married? By getting engaged you say you want to be married – a longer engagement time is more or less when you need time to plan an elaborate wedding. What’s stopping you from moving forward? What do you believe will happen in the next 4 months that you’ll be ready then?
You’ve been talking about it for 2 months now after one year together, but it sounds like your only reason against it is that you need more time. It’s not crazy that she’s thinking that if after 2 months of thinking about marriage if you’re still unsure – you’re just unsure.
Honestly I think you need to do some big soul searching on why, exactly you’re unsure. And what, exactly, you want more time to do. Just a vague “I need more time to be sure” seems like you might be stringing her along.
Are you not sure you want to marry her or you want to marry in general?
(A) **If you are not sure you want to marry her by +1 year then you should move on. You are wasting her time when YOU BOTH WANT KIS!!!!**
– Men +40 who have kids => more likely to have a kid with autism
– Women: She is almost at an age in which you will need IVF which is expensive, plus it brings a higher risk to her pregnancy.
(B) If you don’t want to marry in general, then you should stop with your dream of having kids and just have some friends with benefits or date women who don’t want to get married. If you actually want everything but cannot commit, then go to therapy.
You are too old to not have that figure out and start “freaking” out. You said you want kids! Do you think she can keep waiting until she is 45 to have a kid or are you going to get pregnant?
>I felt this would give us enough time to thoroughly discuss our future before getting engaged
How many months do you need to discuss? You have been together +1 year and don’t know each other? Just start discussing and if you agree, then have a court wedding and very small so there is no planning needed, no need to tell people with months of anticipation or anything. You can find a compromise like that.
Wait, so you want kids, you’re in your 40s dating a 39yo (so she’s already fighting the clock), already been together for a year, and still not sure about a future with her? And you call yourself an analytical person? What have you been analyzing for the last year? Where did you think this relationship is headed?
Good for her for not letting you jerk her around. If more women had an internal timeline like your gf does, we’d have a lot fewer ‘my bf hasn’t proposed to me in 12 years’ kind of posts. Because at the end of the day you avoided talking to her because you’d rather keep peace and waste her time than just let her know your concerns and risk it. So again, good for her for seeing this.
The way around the ultimatum is to really think about what you what and give her an answer next week. If it’s a no, it’s a no. You both will move on to other people more suitable for you. Stop being so selfish
She’s 39 and wants kids. You might not be ready, but she can’t wait around forever for you to decide. Pretty sure once married she’ll want to move forward with having kids soon too. If you are unsure of her or if you want kids, despite saying you do, you are just wasting her time.
I get wanting to be sure, but if you aren’t now then maybe she isn’t who you want to marry. I mean you love her and see a future or your don’t.
Don’t worry about making a decision that won’t hurt her. Just worry about making the right decision. If the right decision it hurts her that’s unfortunate but it’s part of life/relationships.
And honestly, it sounds like the right decision is to say that you cannot get engaged/married to her within her time frame. You shouldn’t have to be a nervous wreck over something that is supposed to be joyous and full of love.
I don’t think she’s in the wrong for sticking to the timeline she believes she needs. And I also don’t think you would be wrong for sticking to the timeline you think you need. It’s just an unfortunate reality that your timelines cannot fit together. Nothing to be done but accept it and move on.
Reality is that a small civil ceremony doesn’t take huge plans…
To me all the men shocked about a woman wanting to get married rather quickly when they are in their late 30s/early 40 make me laugh because they will also say they want kids. Well there’s only so long she can do that with you… so yeah, decide what you want.
Please don’t waste her time if you’re not sure.
You are dating a 39 year old woman you want to have children with. Do not waste time she doesn’t have. Either move forward or let her loose.
You want children? Dude, you’re forty-three years old. If not now, when? When you’re fifty?
You are unsure, cut her loose.
Uhhh she’s 39 dude if she wants kids she can’t waste time on a dude who isn’t sure about her.
You are a classic over-thinker, you want kids at your age, and you never considered marriage or a timeline for kids or marriage?
Dude. Get your head out of your ass and stop wasting your own time
Dude, she was almost 38 when you met and said she wanted kids. How long do you think you should wait?? Are you aware that sperm from older men results in higher percentage of birth defects in children? Cardiovascular, facial deformities, genital deformities, chromosome defects, higher rates of autism….. and men over 50 are 25% less fertile than younger men. So your clock is ticking too.
You are 43 years old how are you still not ready for marriage 😭
If she was the one you’d know by now. The fact that you’re still feeling unsure gives you your answer. She’s not the one. It’s not fair to make her wait until February to tell her what you can tell her now.
If the idea of marrying someone makes you feel this way then I don’t think you should marry them.
That said you’re 43 and say you want kids…mens sperm also declines in quality with age, when exactly were you planning on children??
Sperm over 40 increases the chances of Down syndrome. Her chance of getting pregnant decreases significantly, including the likely hood of complications for a female getting pregnant for the first time over 36. I mean I detest ultimatums, but it sounds like hers is based in reality—on the fact she wants a child.
Maybe discuss if the two of you are open to adopting so marriage and a bio baby will not be an issue if you want to stay with her? At this age, you would think a year would be enough time to know, either way.
Don’t ever make a decision because you’re in a hot box. Tell her you’re committed to working towards marriage but not under an ultimatum and a forced timeline. If she leaves, she leaves.
It’s hard to imagine someone in their 40’s being this clueless. Do you want to build a life with this person or has she wasted a year with you? At 39, she needs to try for kids NOW.
Come on dude, I’m younger than you (34), dating a woman younger than your partner (33), and even I know that you need to have an eye towards the future. My partner and I started talking about where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted to have, the way we wanted to raise said kids, etc, after only 2 months.
You’re freaking out after a year? The ultimatum is a lot, but it sounds like she had to give it to you because you think time is no big deal. Because it isn’t to you. You’re a man. You can have kids at any time. You could ostensibly wake up at 60 and decide you want kids. Shit, Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are about to become fathers again at the ripe old age of 83.
You say you’re 43, but you sound like a man-child in this post.
If the idea of getting married isn’t a ***Hell Yes!*** for you, it’s a Hell No.
If you aren’t sure then the answer is no. You have to decide how you want your future to look, and what is best for you. Best of luck OP.
Listen to yourself. You have been depressed since the ultimatum: try to put your finger on what your animal instinct is telling you. The thing is that it is difficult to know a partner going out on dates where you are in your best
Light. The simple question is: is life better or worse with her in it. Why did she wait to 39 and you so long ? Are you career people? You absolutely should not get married to please her mum. If you have doubts then air them to her. You need to communicate your own needs, or else she will bulldoze you through life.
When somebody gives you an ultimatum, I always think they’re at the very end of the rope. Like they’ve already made the decision and they’re hoping at the last minute that you do some thing that changes their mind.
Obviously, if you don’t wanna get married, don’t get married. Just let them go and move on with their life.
Well you aren’t sure so cut her loose. With the right person you’ll be sure.
You guys have a lot to discuss prior to deciding to get married; finances, where you will live, how you plan to spend your lives, retirement, religion if appropriate, household chores, and then comes children. The children discussion involves finances, education, religion if appropriate, who is staying home and for how long, what values you wish to instil, usually how many, etc. If you are both on the same page after all this, then you can be fairly sure about getting married.
If you’re not living together then you’ve had no chance to practice what you have preached. Many people find that their partners are actually different people in cohabitation.
Your girlfriend is wanting a geriatric pregnancy. She is reaching the stage of her life when pregnancy may not be achievable or if she falls pregnant it’s harder to keep the baby and the risks for her own health increase. I completely understand that she is desperately wanting a child before it’s too late. She needs to understand that it may already be too late. Would she be happy to marry if you never managed to have a child? It sounds like she only really wants a baby and this is why she wants marriage.
If you are unsure about marriage then you should not do it. Ensure that you have fully discussed all items on the agenda before forming an opinion about yourself and your potential wife. If you are unable to agree then you must let her go and try to find someone who is willing to impregnate her
Boy math is being 43 and wanting kids one day and continuing to date someone he’s “unsure about marrying”
Like, dude. You don’t decide you’re ready to have kids and they spawn immediately. It could take a year or two of trying for kids, then almost a year of pregnancy, before you have an infant. Do you want to be almost 50 with an infant???
Tbh I’d leave you if I was her. You’re 43 and still having commitment issues? Hell no.
A year of dating is too soon to decide to get married. You don’t even know the real person within that time frame. I wouldn’t submit to that kind of pressure. I do feel for her because of her age/wanting babies, but it’s just too soon.
Personally when I’m faced with an ultimatum, I choose myself
If she gives you an ultimatum like that, the by all means leave. These shouldn’t be ultimatum’s to begin with
Don’t marry her if you’re not ready. Break up.
>Both of us do want to have kids.
Yes, decide now so she knows what to do. The time is ticking & you guys are entering a stage where it’s harder to get pregnant.
Dude, okay, what is the worst thing that can happen if you do get married? Do you think you love her? Do you think you live her enough that you two can relatively easily overcome any differences that arise when you start living together? Like how much house work each of you does and how you want your life together to be?
At this age a year of dating should be plenty? Did you get in this relationship with the idea that you are looking for a life partner or just because? Did you think what you want of this relationship? Did you two discuss that stuff earlier? She is right because if she wants kids at this age she doesn’t have a lot of time and if you want biological kids, neither do you
You’re 43, dude.