My flair is “vent”, but I’m definitely open to other perspectives.
TDLR: My wife’s best friend/male coworker is divorcing and now dating (a single coworker) and my wife is comparing and contrasting the newness/excitement of early dating with our cooling 20 year marriage.
Background: So my wife and I have been married for close to 20 years and dated for about two years prior to marriage. We have two older teens. We have pretty different personalities, but we balance each other out if that’s a positive. She was my first girlfriend, but she had a few long term, but unsatisfactory and unhappy relationships before me. We’re currently having an off period in our relationship and basically lost the spark (sex, intimacy, dating, etc). I like to think we’re both, in our own ways, acknowledging this and trying to fix it. She’s hearing more “alarm bells” than I am, but I think that’s partly down to our different personalities. She’s much more high strung and I’m much more even tempered and laidback.
She’s also been dealing with a lot of health concerns in the last few years and I think those concerns plus kids, and work, and aging parents are weighing both of us down. We’re both burned out.
Current issue: So the specific issue I’m writing about is this:
One of my wife’s best friends is also her male coworker. They meet at work a few years before we meet, but he was involved with his high school sweetheart at the time and it was totally platonic with my wife. We attended each other’s weddings. They married about year before we did and at that point many of her work friends were also marrying. They went through a really rough time with their babies (triplets) and ended up losing one triplet and were left with two children, just a bit younger than my youngest.
Up to about 6 years ago their relationship was confined to work. I don’t think his wife thought much about my wife and seemed to accept their friendship. My wife was definitely a good friend to him and the death of the one child increased their friendship. They always shared similar senses of humor and work in the same field so lot’s in common.
So about 6 years ago her friend and his wife had an oops baby. For various reasons we became family friends after this and hung out as couple friends. My wife always pointed to them as a “sold” couple and “couple goals”, if I can use that expression. Her friend’s wife began to love bomb my wife and they sorta became friends. His wife is very narcissistic, we’ve come to see that. About two years ago his wife suddenly became distant with my wife (360 degree switch from love bombing) and things culminated with the wife saying she didn’t love her husband, hand’t for years, and wanting to separate. She likely cheated too or did quickly after separating. The husband was blindsided and crushed. He’s actually a good guy, but was one of those guys totally focused on his life as a father and husband but didn’t realize his wife changed. Although I put more of the blame on his ex he’s not blameless.
He had a total breakdown and only now is he starting to come out of it. My wife supported him totally, but he’s always had the tendency to hurt my wife at times and could be an ass and forgetful and just obvious to her feelings. Once I actually called him out on something he did. But he’s also a good friend in many ways. Sorta hard to explain.
Recently he’s been flirting with, and now sorta very early dating, another of their coworkers. This woman is younger than him by about 12 years or a bit more and hasn’t had many relationships. Never married and no kids and still living at home with her parents at 31. No shame in that, but she’s in a very different place than a 40+ almost divorced man with a crazy ex and a father of three.
**My issue: My wife has been acting as his date planner and making comments how exciting the phase there in is and how he’s obsessing over this woman and being romantic. The upshot is she wants to feel that too.**
I get that things need to change with our relationship, but it feels unfair to compare a brand new relationship to a 20 year marriage that’s coolling down. He was very romantic with his ex and obsessed with her too, but that didn’t stop her from divorcing him. Deep down I think my wife would date him if things were different because they are a lot alike.
Her friend is a good guy and isn’t thinking of my wife in any way but a friend. His son and my son are best friend’s so it’s complex. I just feel added pressure.
Life can be so complex. Thanks for reading.
7 comments
Then make it exciting for her. Couples go through stages where it’s a bit stale but start dating her. Ask her out, plan things, vacations, dinners. Buy her flowers just because. Plan a couples massage. So many things that can be done to get that excitement back.
My first thought is your wife needs to cut back on her social planning for her friend and put more time into your marriage. You may have to step up with date nights or romantic get aways. I think a marriage retreat would be good for both of you, to discuss your marriage concerns with trained counselors available. If your gut has some concerns, then you should have a sit-down discussion with your wife. Like you mentioned, she could be getting starry eyed over helping her friend in a new relationship and dreaming of that for herself. Communications is key now.
updateme
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Tell your wife to spend a little time planning out your dates. She can have exactly what she’s planning for her friend. Literally, exactly what she’s doing. 🤦🏼♂️
A few have said this but surely if you’re wife wants to feel this in her relationship then she should be concentrating on your relationship not her buddies
You’re focussing on the wrong thing. Allllll this history in your post when all it needs to say is “my wife feels our relationship has lost its excitement”.
Instead of hearing what she’s saying to you, you’re focussing on how unfair it is to compare an old relationship to a new one, but whether it’s fair or not is beside the point.. she’s telling you she wants to feel something that she’s currently not feeling.
Stop finding ways to believe that what she’s feeling is wrong and listen to her.
Plan dates. Make her laugh. Flirt with her. Get out of your usual routine. Make her feel beautiful. There’s absolutely no reason why she can’t feel all that excitement and joy from your relationship if you’re willing to put in the same effort as her friend is.
Tell her right now that you’ve planned a special night for Friday and you want her to be ready at 6.. don’t tell her what it is or where you’re going and plan something lovely for her. The anticipation will be lovely, not knowing what you’re doing for her will only increase that excitement. She’ll look forward to it all week with curiosity and happiness.. just like she did when you were dating.
Your wife is telling you something. Listen to her.
Sorry about the confusion. Time to put the big boy pants on and be the man you used to be. She fell in love you a long time ago. Remember it. Remember what attracted you. Now go and find that again. Look in her eyes and see her again. Quit being so self sabotaging in the marriage. Been married 39 years now and shes still my girl. Why? Because I deeply love her, always have. When I feel we’ve lost our way a bit, I get to figuring out how to get things going again. I’ll do the little things that mean alot to her. Love notes, poems, candle light dinners I make by surprise while I’ve sent her out shopping and visiting. Romancing her as if we were young. Quiet scented baths with candles, soft music and wine just for her, no expectations. Rekindling intimacy without sex involved. She NEEDS to know and belive in your love for her! She needs to know she’s more than just paint drying on the fall. Give her those googoo eyes again. Make her feel like she’s in an affair with a new man! Remember the excitement of getting to first base with her and bring it to the game! Dont sit in a bowl of soggy cornflakes and whine about what was. Do something, take a risk…nothing ventured nothing gained. Shes the love of your life, show her by actions not just words again.