I met this guy online. Our first date went sooo great, but he was a little too pushy for my liking about sex at the end of the night so I stopped talking to him. He reached back out a month later apologizing, and saying he’d still like to get to know me with sex off the table. I had a good vibe with him, so I decided to try it out. Also I appreciated that he was willing to put his ego aside and reach out. He told me he was nervous about whether I’d reject him again.
He’s been really respectful and we’ve gone out 2 more times in the last 1.5 weeks. I’ll add he’s new to the country, trying to establish himself, and works from 12pm to 12am as an Uber driver almost every day so his schedule is crazy & I’m trying to be understanding. But it’s kind of hard to make plans. (He is a pilot in his own country but working on his American license).
On Tuesday, he asked if he could come over the next night if I felt comfortable. I did, because I felt ready for sex. He came over around 9pm, we watched a movie, had OK sex, and he spent the night. I think the OK sex was largely nerves.
That was Wednesday night & he’s in consistent communication with me since then. When he was over, he mentioned we should go to an NBA game since he’s never been & that he would like to take me on a flight as soon as he gets his American license (he is a pilot). So things seem ok. Now, I really like this guy.
But I’m nervous about some things. How do I tell if this is just a hookup to him? It’s hard because I know for a fact he’s constantly working, and I don’t want to pressure him for dates & push him away. At the same time, I’m not sure how great I’ll feel if all of our hangouts are late at night, at my place ending in sex.
So far, he’s initiated each of our get togethers (2 dates were for drinks, and the third was at my place). I want to say something like “so when can I see you again?” but I’ll be honest – I’m terrified to do that. I feel like any time in my past that I’ve started trying to initiate things, it’s resulted portly for myself. In theory it should be fine – we’re all equal. In practice I find that as soon as a men know you want them, they back away or start taking you for granted. I also don’t just want to be a booty call but can’t tell if thats what this is given his schedule being a real thing. How do I figure this out!?
Should I just wait it out and see if he asks to do something again? Is this just a hookup?
Tl;dr how do I know if I’m just a hookup and should I initiate a date?
6 comments
Just ask when he wants to go out next. One time isn’t gonna hurt. And only the future can tell you if it’s just a hookup to him. If he only asks to come over/have you over at night that’s your sign.
Drinks isn’t really a date. Especially since this is not his country, the customs are more traditional. I agree with the other commenter that you could initiate the next encounter. I strongly recommend a date that doesn’t involve going back to someone’s place. Get to know the guy for real.
> How do I know?
You ask.
Ask what he’s looking for, if he’s interested in dating or in keeping things casual / a FWB type arrangement. It’s an important conversation to have and it will help you feel less anxious about it.
“I want to let you know that I’m looking for something serious.”
Tell him that and let him respond. If he tells you anything other than that he’s looking for the same, then you’re probably going to be hurt
> I don’t want to pressure him for dates & push him away.
Yeah, it sucks when the person you’re into asks you out… (not trying to be a douche, but think of the implications of that fear)
I think your intuition is spot on: if he were truly interested he’d be locking down proper dates (or at least some kind of non-hook up date), you wouldn’t have to be asking him, and his work (uber driving where he sets his own hours) wouldn’t be such a big deal. When you’re into someone you make time, or at least make them feel reassured.
Wait it out, and only hang out if it’s not late night drinks.
You ask “I really enjoy spending time with you – what are you looking for?”
>I want to say something like “so when can I see you again?” but I’ll be honest – I’m terrified to do that.
I know it’s taboo in our dating culture to ask this, but trust me, not asking early means a loooot of time and hurt later on down the road (potentially).
>I feel like any time in my past that I’ve started trying to initiate things, it’s resulted portly for myself.
How did they result poorly? They ended? In the grand scheme of things – that actually isn’t a poor result. I means that you were no longer wasting time on someone who didn’t want what you want – a relationship.
>In theory it should be fine – we’re all equal. In practice I find that as soon as a men know you want them, they back away or start taking you for granted. I also don’t just want to be a booty call but can’t tell if thats what this is given his schedule being a real thing. How do I figure this out!?
So there are a few outcomes here: a.) the ideal outcome: he feels the same way about you! and will make time for you apart from his work schedule and you’ll go to an NBA game and he’ll take you flying when he gets his license. YAY! b.) you tell him how you feel, he’s not looking for anything serious, and you end it because that’s not what you want. or c.) you tell yourself you’re ok being his booty call, invest allll your free time into him, don’t date other guys, and then end up massively hurt.
Take my advice: if he is “not looking for anything serious” for whatever reason, DO NOT PROCEED. Say “thank you for your honesty, but I am looking for a partner. good luck getting your license!” Save yourself the time and the hurt. I really hope that you’ll get option A!
But the only way you’ll find out is if you ask. I know it’s a little scary, but it’s worth it to know what you’re getting into – a “situationship” is not someone worth wasting your time on. Sending love <3