My BF of almost 5 years hasn’t been able to tell his kids (ages 19 & 22) that we are seeing each other. We are exclusive and I am the only person he has dated since he has been widowed. When we first started dating we were fine being quiet about everything since his kids were younger at the time and the loss was more recent (6mos). So much time has passed that now that this is preventing the growth of our relationship. We can’t do as many things together and our plans are often altered (or we can’t make any) because he can’t tell them he has plans with me or that I even exist. I’m worried if they find out he has been lying for so long. One of the kids is clinically depressed and on medication and he worries about them committing suicide if they get upset. He hasn’t told a single friend, any family or even a co-worker.
He recently shared with them he was THINKING about dating and they didn’t respond well. I love him and he is perfect in every other respect but I’ve lost patience waiting. I know it is hard to find a good companion at our age and I don’t want to be with anyone else. Although I think he an amazing person this situation isn’t allowing him to be a good partner or a good parent.
Should I give up? Does anyone else have experience with a widow and his kids? I feel like I am quietly quitting my relationship as I’ve lost patience and said everything I had to say.
30 comments
He should be in family therapy with his kids and perhaps a therapist who specializes in grief can help with the process. You being a secret this long is ridiculous quite frankly. Insist upon it. I would also insist upon meeting friends / coworkers because once again, that is ridiculous. The first 1-2 years is understandable, 5 is not.
How much time are you actually spending together if his kids are so young? Are you sure you aren’t there for just physical companionship? I wouldn’t stay in that situation. They clearly have a lot they need to work through as a family and that doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in.
He is being disrespectful to you! Sounds like he is using you too!! The turd is hiding you after five damn years, what a tool. Dump Him!!
“He recently shared with them he was THINKING about dating and they didn’t respond well”
Well, he’s either lying about that, or he needs to man up. HE is supposed to be the leader of the family, not the kids. It honestly sounds to me like you are wasting your time.
Weird to hide a relationship for five whole years. You sure he’s a widow?
How do you feel about being his dirty little secret? If he won’t tell his family, that’s what you are.
Honestly the kids sounds very immature. They’re adults, they should be happy for their father having another chance at happiness.
He needs to nut up and tell his kids. If they get upset, they can see a therapist.
>He recently shared with them he was THINKING about dating and they didn’t respond well.
that was disrespectful to you and to the kids. He should have just come out and told them the truth. Lying hurts everyone. Also, by thinking about it, it gives the impression that there might be dis-respect to his passed wife. By saying he is seeing someone who makes him happy, they might get excited for him.
Ultimately, the first relationship post widow is the hardest. Kids “blame” the new partner. It takes a lot of communication (even better if assisted by a therapist) to explain that you can cherish the time you had with your first spouse AND STILL find happiness with a new relationship. 2 happy relationships don’t take anything away from each other. Nor should someone be destined to a life alone if they don’t want that simply to avoid misplaced anger and pain of others.
>My (50F) widowed boyfriend (51M) **won’t** tell his **adult children** about me. **How do I end things gracefully and get my stuff back?**
FIFY
>this situation isn’t allowing him to be a good partner or a good parent.
It’s been 5 years and all your partner is doing is making excuses. He’s *choosing* not to take steps to be a good partner or a good parent. He’s *choosing* to keep you a secret because he doesnt want to make the hard decisions or deal with the difficult feelings or make the effort for you or your relationship.
He’s shown you how much he values you: you should believe him.
5 YEARS and he’s still not comfortable moving on. There’s being there for your kids and being so afraid of your adult children’s reactions that you’re paralyzed.
He is either an inconsiderate, dishonest, disrespectful person, or he’s lying to you about something. There is no “good dad” option.
So out of the two, which do you think he is?
Give up. He’s wasting your life.
It’s understandable not telling his kids in the beginning to say….6 months. Since you started seeing him 6 months after he was widowed. But after that? No. Unacceptable.
And why can’t you meet his adult family friends and coworkers?
It can’t be over bc it never really took off. No one knows about you. His friends his family no one. You’re his side piece. Doesn’t matter if he’s no longer married. He’s treating you like a side piece so that’s what you are. Let him go deal with his grief. You deserve better.
I dont know anyone that would be ok with this. There’s an mtv show about it. “HELP! Im in a secret relationship.”
You should’ve gave up by around 2 years tops. Yikes
I can’t believe you’ve put up with this for 5 years. I could see doing it for one year, but not 5.
>I love him and he is perfect in every other respect
I…in what respects? You can’t do things together, full stop.
I’m sorry to only be telling you this now, but 6 months after he became a widower was waaaaaaayyyy too soon to be getting involved with this chap. You’ve now been together for 10x as long as he was single. You’ve been with him for 10% of your life. There’s no timeline for anything changing.
**Please** stop wasting your time and energy on someone who is either not willing or not able to reciprocate. You deserve to be able to go out to dinner with your ‘partner’ if that’s a thing that you’re interested in doing.
How old are these kids?
yup
I am a widow and I say you deserve better than to be someone’s dirty little secret. After the first year, it was too much.
It is very likely that this isn’t about his kids at all. I think he is the one, who isn’t over the death of his last wife. 5 years is a long time.
He has created this mess by tiptoeing around his children’s feelings. That mess doesn’t disappear even if you leave him.
He hasn’t even told friends or coworkers about you? Sheesh. That’s a big red flag to me.
Tell him, the kids are just afraid of the change, not actually the fact that he would start dating someone “new”.
They still learn from him and his current message is “do not actively look for ways to make yourself happy, rely on what others think” without realising it.
They would start accepting the situation if you fave them with the actual situation.
Girl. It’s called therapy FOUR YEARS AGO!!!
Five years and still nobody knows
I’d be quite skeptical that someone who has kept you a secret for 5 years is telling you the real truth about why.
No one in his life knows about his partner of FIVE YEARS, OP. I would be really wary of being the partner of someone who could hide you like that.
Even if he’s telling the truth and he’s afraid to emotionally damage his children or something…that doesn’t fix anything. There’s no timeline, no progress in your relationship. Nothing.
You should’ve left years ago, but you can still do it now.
If he fears that reaction and consequence with the kids, they should have been in therapy a long time ago, and the next best time to start is now.
I can’t see him being able to tell the kids that it’s been going on 5 years without destroying their trust in him.
I am really sorry but I don’t see any positive outcome for you right now.
Personally, I would end it now but stay cordial.
You deserve to be with someone that doesn’t hide their feelings for you from people, that’s no way to live.
Don’t hold out for a reconciliation, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you heard from him again in a year.
Are you absolutely sure he’s a widower? How do you know? Have you seen the obituary?
Point is, he may very well still be married and telling you a line.
I’m a little late to this party but I wanted to offer perspective that isn’t just “fuck that dump this guy”.
I think it must be an incredibly difficult situation for him. In those six months before he met you, with a 14ish year old and a 17ish year old who lost their mother, they probably felt very much like their family unit was alone on an island in their grief and their pain.
And then he met you and you helped make that island feeling go away for him, but the kids would have very much still been there emotionally. I’d think your boyfriend feels a bit of guilt for beginning to move beyond a death that for his kids, at that age, how do you even begin to think about moving on? Of letting go of your mother?
I agree 5 years is a long time to keep it from them, and I agree they should seek family counseling so they can all begin to heal. If you love this man, there’s a way to stand by him through this in empathy, rather than laying down ultimatums and bullmoosing him into giving you what you want.
I’m sure he wants to do right by you while also doing right by his children and at the moment, those two courses of action seem to stand in stark opposition to each other, and how is a man to choose? Logically his children know that their dad will move on and find love again. But emotions are sticky and weird and take awhile to let logic see the light of day.
Good luck, I hope y’all move forward peacefully.