I am getting married in six months and want to go into it in a healthier space. Right now our sex like is definitely not ideal as we don’t have sex very often (mostly due to my past trauma).
So what happened to me?
I was assaulted when I was 19. He bled into me due to how hard it was and from that point onwards I would have chronic UTIs and need antibiotics. He then tried to come after me with a weapon and a protection order was made. Never had any therapy or help from my family.
A year later I was fooling around with a guy and said I didn’t want to have sex but was doing other things. He then went inside me for a few seconds and told me that was what I was missing out on. I left feeling very confused and uncomfortable. The UTIS continued and I connected sex with pain, fear and uncomfortableness. I went from being someone who loved sex in my 17-19yo years to bristling when people try to do it.
Around 7 years later I meet my fiancé who is the most wonderful, caring, loving man. He waits for months to have sex because he knows it’s hard for me. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be able to want sex and do it weekly and feel safe and connected.
I’m going to tell my doctor everything tomorrow and ask for help. I will speak about my trauma and try to work on it. But does anyone else have any advice, things I could read or listen to, wise words?
TLDR – I was assaulted a few times and it’s affecting my relationship and sex life and I want to fix it
3 comments
First off, I’m really sorry this happened to you and I wish you nothing but the best on your road to recovery.
To be honest, this is extremely delicate topic and your doctor/ or even a therapist can offer more than ideal info on how to proceed then us keyboard therapists on Reddit.
If I could offer any help, it seems your fiancé understands the circumstances and has his and your heart in the right place. Continue to speak with them and keep them involved in your healing process. Sharing those moments, even if very vulnerable, will help you heal and also give your fiancé a opportunity to further strengthen the bond you both share.
All in all, congratulations on your engagement and I look forward to seeing you continue to prosper on your journey!
Be patient and gentle with yourself. Talk to your doctor, also get into therapy and work through the trauma, it won’t make it all go away but it won’t be so overwhelming anymore. It sounds like your fiancé is the kind of guy who is going to be there for you and support you through this.
Depending on where you live, there’s a ton of amazing resources for different ways to treat trauma, from yoga to psychedelics to EDMR. The book the Body Keeps the Score is a great one to help you understand the effects of trauma on the body.