So bf and I are in a LDR and have been together for about a year and a half. We had always planned to close the distance this October, however at the end of August it seemed like he got cold feet and decided that he wasn’t ready to move (gave all sorts of excuses). About a week later I was planning on visiting anyway because we had a huge trip coming up together. When we met in person I tried talking about it more with him and he seemed kind of uncomfortable/reluctant to. He explained to me that usually after the “honeymoon” stage wears off in all of his relationships he bounces. When I asked him if it was because the relationship was becoming too comfortable for him he said yes. He also explained to me that it is difficult for him to express any “negative” emotions (which I took as he can’t be emotionally vunerable).
Anyway we went on the trip for about 3 weeks everything seemed okay? But when we got back I had asked if we could revisit the topic, but he said he was “too exhausted”. So I let it go. He’s had a pretty shitty schedule with work and typically works 12hr night shifts. So I let him know again about a week later that I was worried about us and wanted to talk about the relationship because I felt distance. He assured me he loves me and would make time for me after his last shift before he gets several days off.
Well after his last shift, I called trying to talk to him. He stated that again he was too tired. We got off the phone and I saw that he was online to play video games. I called him again asking if we could play together? Or spend time? And he told me he wanted to do his own thing.
I’m so ready to give up. But I’m really just trying my best before calling it. I really do love him, but this behavior is so different than how he was before.
TD,LR
LDR BF has been different/distant after telling me he changed his mind about moving and explaining some of his feelings. Trying to communicate with him but he’s too exhausted and does not give me time like promised.
3 comments
Where was the three week trip to? How many trips has he taken, to where? And who paid?
I had a similar thing with my ex, down to everything being weird after a big trip abroad. After the trip he told me that he was freaking out because we’d been dating for 8 months and everything should be falling apart but it wasn’t. This was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a pattern of his. He also said at the time that he very much wanted to stay together and that we just needed to give each other patience. Four months later he flip flopped on moving in and then broke up with me. I had spent that time trying my hardest to make commitment not scary for him, which didn’t work, clearly.
Some people pull through these things, some don’t. Sounds like it’ll take a big internal change for him to pull through and I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change the outcome if I’m being totally honest. Just ask yourself how much you’re willing to put up with in terms of distance and waffling (I would not be okay with the flip flop on moving to your city after a year and a half, personally). I personally feel that I lost some dignity in my efforts to be patient with my ex, and it got me less than nowhere. In the end, the most attractive thing a partner can be is totally sure about you.
I did not mention it but we are both 29 and in the same field of work.
Another comment he mentioned while I was trying to talk to him before the trip was that to him “logically” we work well together.