What can I (M28) do about my alcoholic husband (M24)

What are my (M-28) options with an alcoholic husband (M-24)

I’m out of options here and I feel absolutely gutted. I need help.

Long story short, my (28M) husband (24M) have been married for a little over a year and have been together for 6.

He comes from a family full of addiction but most of his family got sober a long time ago. It isn’t beyond our understanding to know that he likely has a biological influence towards addiction.

About 3 years ago he found out about some traumatic events and has been in therapy ever since. About 2 years ago I noticed he was drinking a few beers every day. I brought this up and he denied it outright. This escalated to drinking up to a full 16 beers one night and I found him passed out in front of the running shower on full heat (my great grandmother died from alcoholism in the shower so this scared me).

He finally admitted to drinking every day (and drinking excessively in social situations). He told his therapist who doesn’t actually work with addiction but she’s doing her best (I don’t go with him to therapy for his privacy so this is exclusively based on his report). Since this point about a year and a half ago, he has come to hide his drinking. He will buy a 6 pack and drink it all the moment he gets home.

He started to lie about his drinking but I can tell every time he drinks. He slurs his words and sleep talks, sometimes he acts erratically, and sometimes he gets aggressive with the animals and with me. We went to a baseball game and I was in the isle seat. When it was time to leave we stood up and before I could grab my things, he was shoving me out of the way. This is so out of character. He is such a gentle and caring person. People describe him as a ray of sunshine or a Labrador Retriever.

Our relationship used to be so good. People including our own families have said how much they envied our perfect relationship. I agreed until recently. We fight every single time he drinks. He doesn’t even remember some of the fights. He just cries every time and promises to do better. I’m so jaded to them now and I’m just angry. It feels forced. He gaslights me about his drinking and makes me feel guilty saying concerning things about death.

A few weeks ago we needed to go down to the end of our street. He insisted on driving and I said no. I noticed on the way that he was slurring and acting strange. He had been drinking. He fully intended do drive us down the street while drunk. He said he didn’t see the issue because it was a block. I was furious.

I have made it clear that I am not okay with any of this and I don’t know if we will make it through the year. He blames being out of work and being bored for his drinking. We didn’t have insurance or I would have forced him to go to rehab. He is so against going to AA because he’s convinced they won’t understand his trauma. He’s gone to 2 meetings at my request. I offered that he could choose a different group or even a trauma survivor group. He passively agrees and nothing happens.

I don’t want to leave. He will probably die if I do. Either by S-cide, his diabetes that he refuses to manage, his drinking, etc. I also don’t think I could move on. He’s my soul mate. I feel so lucky to have found him. I never imagined leaving. But I can’t deal with this. When he’s sober, everything is fantastic and I feel so in love. When he drinks, I want to go to the courthouse and get divorce papers. The thought of leaving doesn’t exit my mind when he’s drinking. I can’t stop it.

He finally got a job. He started yesterday. He swore up and down that he would quit drinking when he could work. I came home 2 days ago and he was slurring his words. He smelled like beer. He swore that he didn’t drink (just his non-alcoholic beers). He denied it harder than ever. Usually he concedes that he had a drink. I made him check his blood sugar because I know that can cause issues like being drunk and it was 400. I let him blame it on the blood sugar and went to bed. I know that slurring only comes with low sugar.

Yesterday I came home from work and he was asleep. I kissed him and asked him about his first day. I noticed the smell of alcohol but sweet. He denied drinking. I let it go thinking I must be paranoid.

He’s at work now. We live with my mom because I was in school until recently and we couldn’t afford our own place with neither of us working much. My mom said she smelled alcohol on him yesterday. We both went around searching and found an empty bottle of wine. He drank the whole thing yesterday in the span of a couple hours. He also lied again. I haven’t confronted him on this yet.

I’m sitting here feeling sick to my stomach. Half of me wants to pack up his things and coordinate with one of his friends for him to stay at his house. I can’t sit still, I can’t eat, I am shaking. I’m so sad. This perfect thing feels ruined. I feel like taking all our pictures off the wall because I can’t look at happier times. My household agreed we should do an intervention. I think I should make him talk to his now sober mom about this.

We can’t afford for him to go to rehab with this new job because it pays so well and that’s where we get our insurance. He just started yesterday for Christ sake. Outpatient care is not an option for the same reason.

Idk what to do. What are some alternatives to divorce here? How can I help him? How can I help him accept that he is an addict? How can I save my relationship?

TL;DR: my husband can’t accept being an alcoholic after learning about a trauma he has. The problem is getting worse and he is lying about his drinking. My perfect relationship is ruined. I don’t know how to fix this.